2004-11-09 - 10:53 a.m. A Day in the life of the Dildo Today on the way to the train, Unclepumpkin and I almost steped on a dildo. At first I thought, man, that looks like a dildo. But no it was a dildo. It was a penis will balls. That was fleshy and rubbery looking. And don�t worry I didn�t touch it. There are some things you don�t touch, even with your shoe. One of those things is a dildo you find on the street. Here is why. 1) It was outside Blaine Beauty School If you need a cleared explanation of the dirtiness that could be involved in a sexual toy being left outside in a street/sewer area, take a cucumber, drop it in a sewer grating, leave it there overnight, stick it in your ass, and then consider if you want to serve it on a salad. The more interesting question is: How did it get there? Scenario One: The Wheel and Deal I picture some Latino man pulling up to Blaine Beauty school rolling down the window and shouting, �Hey Ladies, who wants to run up me my ese ladies today?!!� Or something more horrible ethnic. Then he takes out this dildo and starts waving it at the ladies smoking outside Blaine beauty school, and tosses it at their feet and peels off leaving a cloud of smoke. And no one touches that shit. Scenario Two: The Drop A woman is walking home from work, and she is wearing a skirt. It falls out of her and she doesn�t notice. Scenario Three: The Fight Two people are fighting in their car. He just bought it and think it would be hot to see her use it in the car. She�s wearing sweatpants and is not very interested in trying anything like this in 30 degree temperature. He keeps hassling her, and she just says fuck it and rolls down the window hurling it out of the car. It comes to a giggling rest on the sidewalk. Scenario Four: The Botch A girl is headed over to her boyfriends with a special surprise. In her impatience it falls out of her purse as she�s putting her T-pass back, and she loses it in the street. She curses when she arrives at her boyfriends and he calls her a tease. She freaks out and they break up, and she runs back to the train, stepping over the discarded dildo never noticing the mistake. Scenario Five: Enough is Enough There is a guy, who has been keeping the dildo in his car for years, and decides, its just not going to happen. His fantasy of picking up a Brazilian Chick who just happened to be that horny, has ended, and he tossed the dildo out the window in disgust. Scenario Six: Upgrade She just got her new Rabbit Delicks, and decides that in with the old and out with the new, or something like that, and throws it in the public trash so that it can�t be seen as exclusively hers.. However, a raccoon smells it, and drags it to the Blaine Beauty school where it dies of hairspray poisoning.* * Since there was no dead raccoon, this isn�t a likely theory, because who would clean up the coon, without taking away the Do. Scenario Seven: The Brave Little Toaster The dildo came to life to explore the world and save his friend from capture. His best friend PP Pocket pussy was captured by an evil highly allergic anarchist nymphomaniac pedophile who was plotting to use sexual toys on human pets to liberate them sexually, and soon after they would use their newfound sexuality to burn their collars and march on Washington for animal rights. Meanwhile the evil AANP would be capturing the unattended children who no longer have their precious pet�s teeth and wicked allergies to protect them. Dildo knew that he had to stop him and time and traveled by bouncing down the road. He made it all the way to the Beauty School hoping to reach the train so that he may get to PP before the ANNP could unlease his plot. But at the school, I walked by and Dildo knew that he couldn�t be seen moving so as I came along he went limp.* * This is the most likely theory | |||||||||||
