2004-06-23 - 8:37 a.m. Zombie Survival Guide We were talking yesterday about Zombies. We being my housemates. You see� we were talking about what we would do in the event of a Zombie apocalypse. And this is serious business folks. Zombies will kill you. They are dead. So there are a few stages to said apocalypse, and I will now make up the phases and the survival tips to surviving a Zombie attack. --Phase 1 The first Zombie. For some reason you will never encounter 8 zombies your first time. There will only be one. And you will be getting the mail and bang�zombie coming at you. What do you do? Step 1: Do not try and fight the zombie. He�s gonna beat you. Go inside and shut the door and get help. Step 2: Don�t stand near a window. Zombies love windows. Step 3: Get a weapon. A kitchen knife isn�t going to cut it. I am talking a WEAPON. A bat is good, but a katana is better. A long object to poke the zombie with is key. Think distance. Don�t get up in the Zombies grille. Step 4: Take out the first Zombie by immobilizing it. Remember a zombie that can�t walk isn�t nearly as dangerous. This isn�t to say he�s not going to stop coming, he�s just not nearly as tough to take out. Step 5: Move to phase two. --Phase 2 Supplies and barricades. There is never ONE zombie. It�s a Zombie apocalypse. The clock is ticking. Don�t worry how Zombie number 1 found you�the rest are on their way. This phase is the most important phase to survival. Step 1: Assess your house. You need to know your choke points and where Zombies are coming in. For example, in my house, we give the zombies the basement. We might barricade the first floor if there is time, but the second floor is our primary defensive point, and the third floor is our last stand. Step 2: Break off into teams. Three teams. a) 1 team for securing the house. Get someone smart to do this. A flighty person will forget to secure the attic. This team goes to Home Depot, buys lots of wood and nails. They take out all entrances. Here is the most important step. TAKE UP THE FLOORBOARDS ON THE STAIRS. Zombies can�t climb, you can�don�t give them a walkway to walk up. b) 2nd team is on weapons. Make a list. Go and get them. Remember, FIRE IS NOT YOUR FRIEND. Lighting a zombie on fire only leaves you will a zombie on fire. They will burn you alive in your house. To my knowledge, no zombie has ever been able to use fire without the help of a stupid human. You want weapons that you can use. Shotguns, katanas, pitchforks. Blunt swinging weapons and small piecing weapons aren�t gonna cut it. You can�t STAB a Zombie??!!? Buy more weapons than you need. c) 3rd team is on food. Remember, the zombies will probably kill the electric company people, and the water company people. Running water will probably not be a problem, electricity probably will. You might get lucky and they will leave the power on, but zombies apocalypses tend to knock out power by accident. Anyway, get food. Not meat. Pasta, can food�.things that last forever. You will probably die of hunger or thirst if you secure your house right, so this is a serious priority. Step 3: Game plan. Make sure everyone is on the same page, make sure you know your exits. Figure out who is going to go crazy. If someone freaks out�.two words: Zombie Chow. Level heads people. Don�t panic. Make sure you have a good escape route if things go wrong. A way to get to an escape vehicle. Have it loaded with supplies. Hide weapons at fall back positions. You will lose your weapon�have backups. Step 4: Look to your left and right. These people will probably die. This is a Zombie attack. Things go wrong. Accept it. Step 5: Make sure your team is in Whole Hog. No one goes to their parents�goes to their boyfriends...oversleeps�or tries to reason with the Zombie. Everyone else is dead. The government isn�t coming, the military might be alive, but they aren't coming to your house for a long time. It�s just you and your companions. I recommend the buddy system. If you are alone�you will die. --Phase 3: The Attack. This is the part where the Zombies try to kill you, and its time to see if your prep work paid off. Did you Zombie pit work? Or did it backfire? This is when you find out�the hard way. Step 1: Don�t be a hero. It doesn�t matter if you kill 20 Zombies�there are 4000 more outside. Kill only those Zombies that are an immediate threat. This doesn�t mean that you shoot one that�s looking at you funny. It means shoot the one that learned how to climb. Step 2: Save ammo. You are basically living through putting yourself in a cage. This is it. If you want to die, kill yourself. If not always remember that you are doing this everyday for the rest of your life, and if you want that to be a long time, save your ammo. Step 3: Save food. You must accept hunger. Ration yourself. If anyone is eating more than they share, you might want to try and kill them. They are as dangerous as a zombie. Step 4: If the Zombies break through your first line of defense, and they have you in a corner�you are probably going to die. Try to prevent them from ever being able to get to you. Don�t worry about getting out. It�s not like you are going to go see a movie. Zombies are at the movies now. Step 5: Zombies have three main weaknesses. a) The zombie is dumb. It can�t open doors. It doesn�t solve problems. If one gets smart�kill it. They will fall for the same trick 1 million times in a row. b) Zombies don�t have goals. They just want to get you. Don�t give them a path to get you and they won�t. They will just moan all day about it. c) A Zombie that can�t walk can�t get you. A zombie without an arm, can�t grab you. A zombie with out a head, will die. Step 6: Zombies have three main strengths. a) They are already dead. They don�t really care about dying. b) The aren�t going anywhere. They have all the time in the world to get to you. So one mistake, and they will eventually find it. c) They are durable and can take hits. Only slicing and explosive weapons really will stop them. --Phase 4 Survival Step 1: Once the zombies are at bay�if you got this far, you must make sure to maintain your barricades, and stay on Zombie alert. One false move and they will get you. If you killed to many, and the bodies stack up, they can use that to get to you. A canyon may seem like a good idea, but eventually they will fill the canyon with bodies to climb and walk on. Step 2: Food. Like I said before this will be your worst enemy. Eat sparingly. Step 3: Boredom. I hope you bought cards, because life is going to be pretty boring until you die. It's you, your buddies and Zombies. There is only so long you can talk about zombies. Step 4: Don�t leave the house�you will die. If someone starts to go crazy�kill them. If someone eats too much�kill them. This is lord of the flies on Zombie island. Rules are different. You gotta play for keeps or its curtains for you. But remember make sure you AGREE to kill someone, if you just shoot someone you will be the next to go. Step 5: At a certain point the zombies will reveal a weakness, and you must exploit it to destroy them all. It could be they melt from salt. Or they are scared of cats. Whatever it is�this is a list for surviving, not destroying hordes of zombies. --Phase 5 The Aftermath This is when you are left with a few girls and you get to have lots of sex and you can loot stores Step 1: Loot all stores Step 2: Move into a nice house, never go back to the one you were in Step 3: Have lots of sex and repopulate. | |||||||||||
