2004-06-24 - 10:45 a.m. Werewolf Survival Guide It�s Monster Week. And you know what that means. (I am riding the coat tails of the zombie entry?!?) NO!!! ( yes) It's time for What to do when defending yourself verus The Werewolf. Where as you almost always have a zombie apocalypse when you have zombies, this isn�t so much a worry when dealing with your local lycanthrope. Werewolves, though they can multiply quickly, are not usually part of an apocalypse, which in the end, makes them much less of a threat to civilization. However, they are a much greater threat to your personal well being than the slow ass stupid zombie. Most zombies are brain eating retards, werewolves are fierce and agile killers. But they can be dealt with. Let�s break it down. Werewolf Threats --The werewolf is a nocturnal animal and thankfully this means you never have to worry about being hunted like a Klan member in Compton, at least during the day. This doesn�t mean to let your guard down though. You see werewolves are weird and may have a cult associate with them, which could create a problem during the daylight hours since cult members probably like to hog tie you to a pole. --The werewolf will be bigger than you. It�s stronger, and its faster. It has huge jowls, and massive claws and teeth. It will kill you before you can say �hay popie.� --It�s also a hunter. Where as Zombies just wander around try to manhandle you and maybe make your brain into a sort of milkshake, the werewolf is much more sly. Good night vision, a great sense of smell, and a bloodlust that would shame Jenne Claude Van Damme are just some of the things that make the werewolf your greatest nightmare. --Lets also not forget the most sickening part of the werewolf. It�s lycanthropy. That�s the dieses that infects you and turns you into a werewolf. Which solves your problem of werewolves...but not in a good way. (for those bitten please see :Werewolves, how to eat a stupid human.) Werewolf Habits The moon is the primary thing you have to pay attention to here. Without the moon, we are pretty sure there won�t be a werewolf. If there is, no one has really ever lived to tell the tale. So break out your calendar and circle the full moons. These are werewolf days, and by that I mean nights. Now for some reason, much to our chagrin, werewolves upon transforming from man to beast let out a blood cracking howl. This is essential. This gives you at least 10 to 15 minutes before your toast. Now in an urban environment, werewolves are less common. You are much more likely to encounter one out in the woods or in a rural area, if you are to randomly encounter one. However, you might be selected to meet up with one via knowing a werewolf. I will get to that in a second. Werewolves don�t fuck around. When they come for you, they break through the door, come up the stair, and eat you. Either that or they jump through the second floor window in your bedroom and just bite off your leg. These are some serious fuckers. Taking up the floorboards will only piss them off. Werewolves and you You probably will never be attacked by a werewolf, but reports say that ninty percent of all werewolf attacks are by someone you know. How to spot a werewolf in your life. 1) Does Johnny the mailroom guys report waking up in weird places naked cover in blood? Does he not remember what happened to him? Well, he might just be an Irishman, or a raver, but a third option is a werewolf. 2) Is he hairy? Does he have one thick dark evil looking eyebrow. Pay attention to the eyebrows. If they go from thin to thicker on the outside�He might be Robin Williams. But he also might be�a werewolf. 3) Is Tommy the IT guy drinking blood during breaks? Does he like raw meat. Does he drink Blue Moon. Well he�s probably a classy Vampire, but watch out�he also might be a werewolf. 4) Is Kippy the Manager, who has lots of people �quit� on him inviting you on a one on one dinner on a full moon? Does he have a tattoo of �Were-Wuff 4-eva� on his arm. Think twice before dining at his place. 5) Does you boyfriend talk about how Dracula is a pussy? Do his armpits smell? Does he smell like he just ate someone�s small intestine? Surprise! You're dating a werewolf! (note to self: new hit reality TV show???) You gotta keep your eyes open for the signs man. Keep a close eye for that kid who likes red meat a little too much and actually listens to Ozzy�s bark at the moon. Knowledge is the first key to prevention. Werewolf attack You have heard the howl. You gave a hairy hottie you number last night as Club Luna. The clawing at the door isn�t the cat. It�s time to act. Step 1: Get to the fine china. Get to the silverware you stole from your last dinner party. Grab a silver knife, and a silver fork. You are probably going to die, but at least scratch him. Step 2: Did you melt down some silver and make into bullets? No? It�s okay. No one does. Trust me. It raises a lot of questions when you shoot the Latino guy trying to steal your grandma�s welfare check with a silver bullet. But get a gun. I recommend the one you bought in case of zombies. Werewolves don�t like shotguns. Step 3: Get to a room, and barricade yourself in. If you can get through the night you are okay. I recommend the bathroom. This is because a) you are going to crap in your pants b) They usually have small windows. Remember, wooden objects are going to be shattered. You need a big metal object. A fridge�a washer and dryer. Best bet, drag the fridge into the bathroom, and have a snack as the werewolf tries to claw his way through in order to kill you. Plus you are in the bathroom, so again no soiling worries. Step 4: Most of us won�t have the time to do this, which means you need a better hiding spot. I would recommend in this case, a basement with a thick door, a small area the wolf can�t get too, like in between boilers and a brick wall. Also, you might to try the roof so that you can try and get in your car and drive away. Step 5: If the werewolf gets to you, slash with the butter knife, stab with the fork. Not the other way. Also pray to god because your going to die. Werewolf�s next day You stabbed him with a fork. You hit him with a shot gun. You hid in the fridge. The moon has gone down and the sun has come up�what now. Step 1: Identify the werewolf�s true form. When you learn who it is, I recommend insulting him. Spray paint...permament marker...something that really says...I hate you. Step 2: Kill him. Don�t pussfoot around. This guy is a werewolf, didn�t tell you, and tried to eat you. Don�t think you can �cure� him. This isn�t Mr. Wizard. This is Mr. Werewolf, and in my neighborhood, Mr werewolf gets a silver knife to the heart. Werewolf tidbits If you are in group and your attacked, someone will get bit�escape�and try to hide the bite. He will then later turn into a wearwolf. �I see this all the time. If you see blood, bite marks, or they start growing excess hair, kill them. This is High Stakes poker, and you don�t have time for a bluff. Girls can be werewolves too, but usually its guys. Girl werewolves can be identified through their slightly sweeter smell, love of chocolate covered human, and press on claws. Cultist will try and tie you to a pole and feed you to a werewolf to try and gain it�s favor. Stupid cultists� I recommend keeping knife up your sleeve just in case you get tied up. Then you can escape. The werewolf will eat a few of those dumbass cultists� so if you get out the ropes you will be fine. Also, they have to kidnap you, so be aware of how to avoid kidnappings. Just a note: Fat Kids are harder to kidnap. It�s a fact. Try to kill the werewolf before he changes. Change is bad. If you see one transforming, don�t watch. Run. Remember if you are with a buddy, you don�t need to outrun the wearwolf. You need to outrun your buddy. There are other forms of lycanthrope creatures as well. Not just wolves. All are just as dangerous. There is the werecat, the wererat, the werecheeta, the wereboar, the wereHowarddean, the werebear (wear bear stare), the wereteacher, the wereGuywhocutyouoffintraffic, even the werewife. Lots of wild �were� creatures out there. Make sure you kill them. Kill them all. Finally on that note, when you kill a werewolf he turn into a human. So you probably will go to jail. That's the real curse of the werewolf. So either figure out how to get rid of bodies, or just accept that tossing salads is better than being puppy chow. | |||||||||||
