2004-07-01 - 8:42 a.m. Sam Rammy Last night I saw Spiderman 2 in the rowdiest theater I had been to since I went down to the Rt 3 Cinemas to see Half Baked. The people sitting next to me were awful. The kids in front of us talked on their cell phones too each other, the guy next to Shelly IM�ed someone the whole time. Kids were running up and down the aisle, and then besides the rude comments yelled, someone set off a stink bomb at the conclusion of the movie. A stink bomb?! So I am not actually going to talk about the movie which was better than the first. I am going to talk about the guy sitting next to me. So I get there pretty early because I am an OCD Nazi and drag people to movies early so we don�t miss anything and get good seats. As I pick out the �perfect seat� I wonder what the hell is going on as this guy and his pregnant wife decided to sit down. But the theater is pretty empty, and this guy sits down right next to me. Like, listen�RIGHT NEXT TO ME. It�s like there is a bench and the guy nestles up in my armpit. He asks his wife/girlfriend/mistress/mom what she wants to eat. I think, oh good, he probably is going to come back and sit on the other side of her and not be an idiot. Whoa, I was wrong. This guy is an idiot. I knew this, as he talked about Spiderman 2. He really hoped that �Sam Rammy� (and this can only be truly appreciated with the Boston Accent) was directing this film. I mean, sure I can accept that. But he proceeds to say the name Sam Rammy 30 times, like some sorta cultish chant. Then, mercifully the trailer begins, at which point the foreign guy comes in by himself and parks it next to Shelly. He then whips the phone and texts away. Who cares, he�s a euro trash guy who just paid 9.50 to IM �culorgrrl69� from a darkly lit noisy movie theater. Anyway, so the trailers begin and Moosehead, the idiot who thinks Sam Rammy (even I get upset at this mispronunciation) also directed the trailers. He thinks that the director also directs all the trailers. He is beginning to hurt my brain. But to continue that, the wife is just pregnant and regretting it. I lean over to Shelly and say, �If this was a first date, this guy would be doing horrible. Too bad she married him.� The then trailer to �National Treasures� comes up. This is a movie where Nick Cage is an Anti Treasure hunter who tried to protect Egyptian gold that the founding fathers hid the mad to on the back of the Declaration of Independence. (WTF) It�s a Jerry Bruckheimer movie. The guy leans over to the wife, and says, �Looks like a kids film.� Deadpan serious. From anyone else I would say, he�s joking, but he�s serious. Then the shoes come off. Now I don�t know about you, but the top three places I don�t want to be barefoot are as follow. 1) Movie Theater 2) Pool of Hydrochloric Acid 3) Erupting Volcano I mean could anyone PAY you to take your shoes off in a movie theater. Well stinky big foot dumb ass is making a show of it. I swear I can hear his epidermal layer stick to the floor. So then the final trailer is �Seed of Chucky� (and I am sparing you his constant dialogue in between). Right before the end of the trailer, when everyone knows this is the Chucky movie�he yells out, �I bet this is the Chucky movie� then when it is. �Oh wow. I just had this feeling. This sixth sense. I knew it was Chucky. This is weird. Wow. Do you know Chucky. I guessed Chucky, and there was Chucky. I�m gonna see Chucky.� Now listen, if he was actually mentally handicapped, fine. But he wasn�t. He was a big dumb guy, who was kinda good looking. That woman blew it. He probably was a jock in High School, and now her prize is the booby prize. I will just list a few other notables during the movie. �I didn't know spiderman could fly� �I think they are going to make a Three-quel� (the wife/concubine corrected him saying �a trilogy�, to which he said, no, a threequel is a sequel to a sequel� �He�s gonna go in there and find stuff (verbatim) Ah. Right again!� �Spiderman needs to get that villain� �I bet you he�s going to win� I was just waiting for the �You mean Spiderman and Peter Parker are the same person!� to hurl myself head first into the crowd. In the end, his last words from a voice I never wish to hear again, �This guy directed better than that Sam Rammy.� I had Shelly shoot me in the parking lot. | |||||||||||
