2004-05-28 - 4:34 p.m. The Price is Right You�re kinda sick. You at home, school just wasn�t going to happen today. You woke up late. But not so late that the day is wasted. Breakfest is out, but your hungry, so it�s time for a light lunch. You sit in front of the TV, and you know the rest. Ricky, Maury, Montell, Rosie, Jerry, and the Soaps. You don�t want to watch that stuff. That�s when you flip over to a time honored tradition. A tradition so standing in America culture we take it for granted. It�s time for Barker�s Beauties and THE PRICE IS RIGHT!!!!! Everyone has seen it, everyone has loved it. It�s as American as apple pie. What I never understood was how so many people love it when it�s on at 11:00 during the week. My only excuse is sick kids. The Price is Right, for those who live in a box, is a show where frothing contestants scamper to try and �Come on Down� to win their shot at public humiliation as they try and guess prices of daily household goods. These daily household goods are presented to you by attractive women in swimwear, which I have always felt is more of a distraction for the participants. Round 1 � This is the stage at which one on the beauties comes out and shows you an item that is almost completely worthless to you. I call this �The Inventory Round� where some company ordered 10 too many safari chandeliers and donates them over to CBS. I have seen the most worthless crap in this round from a Railroad collection, to a pair of his and her surfboards. What is Grandma Granny gonna do with two freaking his and her surfboards? Anyway, you are competing with four other rabid contestants in order to try and bid the closest to the actual price without going over. Now this round is only interesting for two different reasons. The first reason is the �bitch� rule where the newest person goes first, and thus everyone else tries to screw over the new guy. So Grandma says 9000 dollars for a bottle of tide, Judy says 85 dollars, and Judy�s evil sister says 86 dollars. This show has some priceless looks like you just stabbed someone in the back. I am telling you, these contestants go from bubbly and cheery to �Jimmy the drunk just ran over my puppy.� The final reason is if everyone out there has officially blow it, the final person can be 1 dollar to make sure that he or she can be the lowest bid. Not that anyone ever blows it. My favorite are the double combination of the �bitch� rule and the �1 dollar� rule where the third person has a brain fart, and bets a dollar, and then the last person bets just slightly in between that ludacris bid of 13,000 dollars for the moped, and Rusty�s 1 dollar bid. I swear they should allow a cat fight when the combo happens. Round 2 � This is the part where the famous games are played. You run up and get to gyrate all over Barker, until you get even more excited over the game you get to play. I am serious. The contestants get more excited over the actual game than the price. �I�m playing for an 8 year old grill? Who cares! I get to see the yodel guy climb the mountain.� My girlfriend would literally die to play plinko. Not that I wouldn�t. You can get some serious cashola from old plinko. But I ask you � is dropping a air hockey puck down the side of a giant wooden board enough fun to make me want to puke?! You bet! I actually believe you could see wet circles forming in the contestants pants if the camera ever dared to dip that low! Of course every now and then a contestant gets strapped with one of those new �experimental� games that are just destine to get taken off the air. You can see the life just get sucked out of the contestants as �Capt. Fishbone�s Fishing for Fish� gets wheeled out like your handicapped prom blind-date. For the most part though The Price is Right sends the contestants into Beatles like frenzies progressively through the show. Oh I bet a dollar! Oh I didn�t think the car cost 50,000 dollars?! The key to winning isn�t necessarily skill, but just being the lesser of the dumb asses. Round � 3 That is until round three, which is the wheel of death. I say this because this is the truly random part of the show, where contestants get to spin the wheel of doom. The wheel is big enough to actually power the entire Price is Right studio for with one simple spin of an underpaid intern. God, my cataratic Grandmother could see the numbers on this thing from the back of the room. What�s worse is that they actually make the contestants spin the wheel! A lot of these people can�t make it up the stairs, and now they are going to try and spin a wheel that would give Grave Digger penis envy!? Plus you often have to spin it twice. I love it when someone gets 70 cents and Bob just shakes his head and tells that person to stand over in the circle until they inevitable loose. Finally -- Round 4. THE SHOWCASE SHOWDOWN!!! This is the part when the two lucky ducks from the Giant Wheel fight face off to try and not turn into the biggest dumbass. But trust me, this isn�t as hard as it seems. Here are the rules to winning a showcase showdown. Rule 1: Understand current prices I know that cars only cost 2000 dollars back in 1945, but a mustang is no longer a 3000 hot rod. Please, before going to the show read up on inflation, and take a glance at the Consumer Price index. Rule 2: Pass on the Living room set You might think�oh god, There might not be anything better�*WRONG* there is. The living room set is awful. It usually starts off with a jukebox, moves to some camping equipment, and just when you think you are getting an RV, nope� a bedroom set. Don�t be scared, just pass and wait for that shiny new easily priced trip to Hong Kong and Dodge Viper. Rule 3: If you think it�s 30,000 dollars, go under. Particularly if you bid second. I mean you already know if your stupid partner is WAY off. There is nothing funnier than the double over bid. Winning Price is Right is as simple as this. Wait for the other person to make a bonehead move. They will. Give them chances. And then move in. And finally a few miscellaneous notes: Have you noticed how there are only 3 types of people in the audience, and they all kiss Bob Barker. College Frat kids, because they are drunk, Old Ladies, Because why not?!, and then military people. Now I know defense of our country is �hot� right now, but it worries me that the military personal are so into The Price is Right. Maybe it�s me, but I just feel like they should be doing something at 11:00 during the day? Am I wrong? Also I would like to wish Rowdy Rodey Piper a farewell. The gawdiest man on earth fit right in with the brightest show on the planet, and he was the perfect voice for COME ON DOWN. Everytime I saw him I just kept thinking, didn�t you die on a plane with Buddy Holly? So until next time, this is Gump Hood telling you to remember, get your kids spaied and nutered today. Keep our pet population down! | |||||||||||
