2004-12-09 - 11:24 a.m. More Bathroom Antics The Bathroom is a bad place. With the string of luck I have been having I would half expect next time I pooped for the toilet to suck me down into the pipes of hell. From which I would pull a Shawshank just to crawl out to be arrested for trespassing. This was worse. I had to go number two. While this is already too much information, I would submit, you need to know this to fully understand it. The TP in the bathroom gets replaced around 1:00, which means 11:00 is the worst time in the world because the TP is running viciously low. In fact, when I got there, there was only one loose spool left. By that I mean that the industrial TP dispenser was empty, and the backup roll was just hanging around loose. This usually could be bad cause some fools put it in pee puddles and such, but I was lucky (as it would seem) because it was in a great spot where it touches nearly nothing. This spot was stuffed in the handicap bar on the back of the door. So imagine me sitting down for what I thought would be a pleasant deposit into the sea bank, as I place the last remaining spool of toilet paper on top of the industrial style dispenser next to me to be there when I finished. The next part happened in slow motion. First, I finished my transaction just as I heard the door open. When that happened the TP spool slipped and fell onto my shoulder. With my one good hand busy attending to the separation of church and state (I didn�t want to pee on myself) my broken ass lame duck hand made a stab at the Toilet paper that was cascading for the floor. My hand was useless. It couldn�t catch a cold. The TP should have hit the floor. It should have been dirtied up by the icky floor, and forced me to go through a ply or two to get to sacred ground. But it didn�t. It hit my shoe. And it rolled off under the door out into the voluminous nether world of main bathroom area. This was the only stall. I bent down to find no visual contact. This spool had rolled. I was fucked. The guy in the room was no help either. I am lucky that he wasn�t waiting for the stall, cause he would have waited forever. I would have died in that stall before I asked him to toss me that TP. I had a water supply�I could live there for seven days if I had to. Lucky for me, he must have had some coffee, because he took a gigantic piss. Then he proceeded to wash his hands. Did I say hands? Cause I meant fingers. It felt like this guy was slowly massaging each finger with soap and then hand drying it. I mean listen, I know I don�t like things to be filthy, but you�re dicks not that dirty guy. Get a grip. He went through 6 paper towels! At least he afforded me enough time to figure out my plan. Plan 1 Except for the unforeseen problem of �I only have one hand.� So I waited for Charlie Babbit to clean up, and I position myself ready to pounce. My clothes were scrunched up, my ass hanging in the air. I�ve got TOPS 4 seconds to 1) located 2) reach 3) Grab and 4) Return with the booty. I caught a lucky break and saw the TP roll through a crack. That muther had rolled to China. I was undaunted. I burst through the door, waddling like a drunk penguin to the other end of the bathroom at which point I realized as I reached the spool and started pawing at the roll with my lame hand that I was once again, fucked. My good hand is the only think keeping this charade of being dress together. BUT without this good hand, the TP will never be mine. �I have to either drop the pants, or buckle up and walk out now.� I choose to let go, of course. I feel that the firing board would understand my situation, and have pity on me on the off chance my boss walked through the door to find his employee scuttling back to stall. Plus taking a wide stance kept my pants up, though I imagine the only word to describe how I looked was disgustingly ridiculous. I made it back in the stall, and everything was okay. I even didn�t have to use dirty TP. But next time I go in that stall, I will make sure the only place that TP is going is down the drain. Its been a hell of a week. Who knows I would have two entries in one day. Review Number 2 Much Better | |||||||||||
