2004-12-14 - 8:35 a.m. TV in review TV in review The REAL Gilligan�s Island -- You have probably heard about this show, but you might not have watched it. The concept is that 2 sets of the same castaways are put on an island and they �represent� member from the original show. They are then starved and have to compete head to head until I imagine there are only one of each remaining. I don�t know what happens at that point, but I am hoping that they just actually leave them on the island, and that�s the �surprise ending�. You can�t sue if your dead right? Anyway, I like the concept of this show, given that it�s the most obvious Survivor rip off since Real World/Road Rules challenges. The twist is the people represent others, and I just get a little weirded out because they actually referrer to each other as �Mary Anne Amanda� or �Gilligan Gooner�. It�s got to be a contract thing, because you just don�t accept the nickname Mary Ann Amanda. It would be like calling Zach Mark Paul Gossinger. Anyway, the head to head match up is what interested me. The Professor This was a boring match-up to me, because it was an older guy vs this young gun, (who was obviously on there due to the lack of hot guys.) This is a no win, because if the young guy wins, he�s a bully, and if he loses he�s a wimp. Nightmare matchup for him. Ideally I think they should have gone with two young smart guys or two old smart guys, but I�m watching, not producing the show. Shockingly the young kid lost, so he�s a pussy. The Skippers They producers chose two skippers from Beantown. Skipper Jim and Skipper Bob. I think they should have picked two skipper Robs, and just gotten it over with because these were the same people. In their head to head, one fell down, and that�s what ended won and lost it for Skipper Rob. The Movie Star Now we are getting somewhere. Of course TBS has a problem. No REAL movie star is going on TBS period let along on a deserted island, which, of course, means their movie star can�t really be a star. Well, bravo TBS, you done good. Rachel Hunter, the definition of a non-star. She�s famous in my mind for three things. 1) She was a model 2) She might have tried to marry Rod Stewart, before he got engaged to Sir Elton John, and 3) I think she was in some major spank videos back in the day. In no way has she ever been in a Movie, or been a Star of anything except my late night fantasy. Second they got Nicole Eggart who in my mind had died. She wasn�t the �star� of Charles in Charge, she was the hot girl. She wasn�t the star of Baywatch. (hell she wasn�t even the �hot� girl on that one). And when you can�t out act David Hasslehoff and Chachie, you�re simply washed up. So one may ask which one is the bigger �movie star?� I think it�s a tie. It came down to the infamous male tie breaker. Which one would you rather tell you buddies you had sex with? I couldn�t decide. Nicole is hot and fairly recognizable in a pubescent fantasy girl sorta way, like the Sloane (Mia Sara) of Ferris Bueller�s Day Off�meanwhile Rachel Hunter was a model, but she�s older and might have also had sex with Rod Steward. It was a toss up. TBS had equal combatants. Incidentally, Rachael won the head to head, because she�s Australian. Mary Anne Much like the original show; these are the two Reality hotties. A movie star hottie has to have this crazy movie star unique look. It�s a done up look. Meanwhile, Reality hotties have to have some young school girl look, that�s good, but believable enough that you might actually think you know a girl like this. They have to be able to sweat, be dehydrated, and still look like they are ready for a frat party, but in a sweet way. The kinda girl that wonders if there is alcohol in the punch. She�s gotta be the cute girl who is never that pretty, but never really that ugly either. TBS got an actual farm girl, which I give them credit for, because the girl they got was very attractive, and was a real farm girl. She�s not THAT hot, but she�s cute and thin and totally into God. I mean it. She mentioned God like 5 times before her head to head, and 65 times after she lost. I mean, she talked about it so much; I would cringe at what TBS had to leave on the cutting room floor. For the other Mary Anne the producers just broke down and took the hottest girl they could find out of USC. Incidentally, this girl�s posed in Maxim and her mother was on survivor. This brings up an interesting question whether reality TV families can start dynasties like sports athletes have? Regardless of that answer, she�s the local hottie that everyone thinks they might have a shot with. In the head to head, I was expecting the hard working farm girl who had God on her side to defeat the College Coed. But I was wrong, and in retrospect, I realized that the lack of food and general nutrients from the anorexic sorority life gave the Maxim girl the edge on a desert island. The Millionaires This is an interesting concept, because they are a pair of actually married millionaires. I think this is the first time a couple went head to head in an elimination match, in an every man for themselves game. I think that the producers really dropped the ball on this one. I know the couple is really married in real life, but if they could have had the girls compete, get one eliminated, then they could have had a show down of the two men. And the prize wasn�t just staying on the island, it would be to make sure the other guy wasn�t pretending to be your wife�s HUSBAND! Mark Burnett would have never dropped the ball on that one. It would be like Temptation Island, meets survivor, meets great TV! I am still dreaming of this one and maybe they will pull it when they actually do the �TBS� Real Brady Bunch.� Incidentally, when they get to �TBS� The Real Hogan�s Heroes� the world will end. (remember this is the same network that shows Friends from 8:00 to 10:00. Like anyone wants to watch 10 hours of David Schwimmer a week.) Finally the namesake of the show is the biggest mismatch in reality TV history. They had the proper quota of hot girls, old people, bitches, snakes, and men and woman. The final problem, only one of the professors was hot, and 4 of the girls were. Now, that means unless a millionaire is hot (and he�s married) they need another good looking guy. And what they did was get this cute doofy guy who girls would think were adorable, and then and out and out Gilligan look-a-like who was barley able to walk without tripping on a coconut. They had them go head to head, and it was like Shaq vs Shawn Bradley. You might like the idea of a complete moron on reality show, but frankly, if I want to watch someone get humiliated I�ll become a New York Giants fan. All this crazy reality TV makes me want to do a reality show of actors playing doctors and actual doctors in completion like the old family feud used to. Except the challenges would be three fold: trivia, pop culture trivia, and then a final challenge of who can look better during open heart surgery. It would make millions (in lawsuits). America�s Next Top Model You know there is something about a show when a friend says �this show is ruining my life�. They were having a marathon, and it was an amazing thing to watch. It was like back in college when the real world would be on all weekend and people would start watching and the crowd would keep getting bigger. She was watching, and then her boyfriend started talking about it, I got sucked in, then two more roommates, and by the end her parents were watching. There isn�t much to this show, except the typical reality human drama element, but instead of real people, it is a show of these on the edge desperate near death models. Guys will watch for hot girls. Girls will watch for the mega-caddy bitch factor. You will both stay for the train wreak. One guy got hooked when I told him this one model was almost blind, and he was like �How is she able to model then?!� To which I replied the cream dream of every producer around the world, �well, you�ll have to watch.� VH1 Countless List shows In the world of reality TV, there is no lower common denominator than VH1. I swear to god they aren�t even trying anymore. Have you seen what they put on? They don�t have VJ�s. They have hosts that segway into list shows. �Lets see what the 10 most awesomely awesome songs with the word �pants� are!� When Dave Holmes is too good for your network, you know you have hit rock bottom. Now listen, I am not even going to try and tell you that I don�t watch. I do. But just because the kids like the crack the Drug dealer gives them at recess doesn�t make it right. And who are the people on these shows? Have you ever recognized one of them? We were watching the other day, and we recognized �The Donnas.� And that was it. There was a guy who was listed as a writer/editor. Who the hell ARE you? Don�t be surprised one day to see �Gump Hood� occupation Blogger, on VH1. Actually, let me just say, that if I recognize you on a VH1 countdown show, and you aren�t a member of my family, you made a bad decision. D-list comedians won�t touch that show. You have to actually have no talents to be on a VH1 Countdown show. None! You can�t be good at anything. I saw this coming though. When a channel�s most successful program is pop-up video, (which is basically imdb for your music on TV), you are not going to be a creditable network. I liked pop-up video. But I am sad to see it so perversely twisted into shows where anyone has an opinion about anything. VH1 is like the white rice that you get at a Chinese restaurant. It�s not that tasty, its just food you can eat when there is nothing else you like left on the table. Death of the Sitcom Reality TV is here to stay. It wins out over the sitcom because of the cost effectiveness. Survivor pays out 1,000,000 dollars to its participants. It doesn�t pay writers really. It doesn�t pay actors. When you compare it to its competition of Friends, where each cast member was making like 400,000 an episode, plus the writers, well, you see what reality TV is here to stay. The only thing the sitcom has left to offer us is comedy. Reality TV takes care of the drama, sensuality, tension, heroes, villains, and mystery (the not knowing what is going to happen). But you can�t force funny. I have laughed at Survivor, but there just isn�t that much humor, beyond someone like Robb from the Amazon, who is just naturally funny. But all that remains for the sitcom is the absurd and the clever social commentary. | |||||||||||
