Things that I should be selling on Ebay.
1) My soul. Listen. My soul could fetch at least 5 dollars. Someone out there will pay five dollars for the sick fantasy of owning someone�s immortal soul. I should get on this. That�s good beer money.
2) Lottery Tickets. I bet that you could resell lottery tickets for more than a dollar. People are that dumb. Be like �I live in a small state like Rhode Island. You have a greater chance to win because there are fewer people. Only 1.50.�
3) My organs. Listen. This is a good one. When I die, I donate my organs�TO THE HIGEST BIDDER! I mean they are MY organs. I can sell them to transplant patients right? --- On second thought maybe I should have a lot of sick kids�that�s it. I�ll adopt sick kids and sell THEIR organs. BRILLIANT.
4) Childproofing a house � For a low fee I will guarantee your child will not die on your house -- the catch is that the fine print I take the kid and sell his organs. Get the organ money AND the childproofing fee. BLOODY BRILLIANT!
5) My Friendship. Sure its free now, but I�m cool enough where people will pay to be my best buddy. I mean I�ll send them emails and stuff and maybe write a Blog about them. This is worth 8 dollars. Maybe I�ll even write them missed connections.
6) Pregnancy Tests that say you pregnant for April Fools day (or to save the relationship.) It is okay ladies -- No more need for ice cream binges! Now I just need a pregnant girl and like 50 EPT�s. And trust me, I know a few pregnant girls.
7) Pictures of my nipples with butter on them.
8) I think that I could sell inflatable sharks. I mean this. I see a market for inflatable sharks. Listen�everyone loves sharks, but can�t get a tank for them. So I will sell fake sharks. Plus you can hug an inflatable shark. (I�d like to add, why don�t we sell FAKE inflatable sharks with REAL skin. Just cover the insider with plastic, and then use real skin. I�m doing this.)
9) Fake Fish tanks. It�s like the shark idea on fish steroids. We are talking like an empty tank with balloon fish and a big fan blowing those bitches around. It�s Fantastic. It would be like CRAZY fish flying around instead of boring dopy fish.
10) Margo Kidder. I think I could sell Margo Kidder.
11) The thing that I was thinking was you could somehow make money off of the Ryan Seacreast �out� signoff, which I personally think is the worst 2 seconds of humanity. Literally, I think the atom bomb on Hiroshima took more than 5 seconds to fully explode, so � Seacreast Out � is probably the worst two seconds in the history of the world. I feel the money could be made on the bet of that. I bet you can�t find a worse 2 seconds in the history of humanity than when Ryan Seacreast says �Seacreast OUT�. I want Brian Dunkleman back.
12) Sock Puppets that look like Cats. I would make them sing at www.mycatcansing.com and sell them. All I need is socks, whiskers, and people who think singing cats are funny.
13) I could sell cyber sex. I could be a cyber prostitute. Instead of my body, I would be selling my mind. And cerebral is sexy ladies.
14) My autographed copy of JFK�s brain. It�s a really Funny story on how I got this.
15) Smores. People want Smores but are too lazy to make them. I could make them and ship them. I might slip a snake in a few. I said that because Smores aren�t funny. But snakes are funny. I am changing this to an idea of selling chocolate Snakes with Marshmellow filling. This is my worst idea yet.
16) I don�t know if I could make money at this, but why does the Easter Bunny lay eggs? Isn�t he a mammal? What about the Easter Lizard? Just cut me the check for the millions I�m going to make now.
17) A virtual reality machine. Here is the pitch. So virtually real, you won�t need real money anymore. Be your own �virtual� bank. Of course when they realized that its just a football helmet filled with chloroform and I rob them when they are knocked out, I doubt I will get repeat customers.
18) Sex with my wife. I could sell this because I am not married.
19) Giant Mutated Mice with teets filled with mutated mice milk that you could drink or puke up. You know�whatever you wanted.
20) I could sell a boomerang chainsaw. It doesn�t SOUND like a good idea, but that�s because it isn�t.
21) Finally I want to sell advertisements on Ebay. This is really genius. Follow these steps.
a) I make an auction saying that the winning bidder will get to advertise whatever they want.
b) I alert media to this strange bid where the winner is just paying money for nothing.
c) The media in turn advertises the bid, and begins to make news.
d) As it makes news companies follow the bids. Some decided to big to be a part of the news.
e) Everytime a company bids a higher price, they get free advertisement. So companies continue to compete over winning the big, thus getting the more and more advertisement.
f) The auction ends with one company winning. Even the losers win, but the winner wins the most. But not as much as I win.
Unless of course you do it first. Shit. This idea is copywritten. Hahahaha. Bastards.
