2005-04-29 - 12:00 p.m. People Who Shouldn't Die From Chainsaws Here is a list of People you wouldn�t want to throw a chainsaw through. It�s based on the principle that some people don�t deserve to have chainsaw thrown through them, which would cause severe mangling of their innards. There are a bunch of different reasons. See choosing the method that someone dies is like Dante�s circle of hell. Throwing a chainsaw is like level 6. I am here to make sure that the crime fits the punishment. The Rookie The new pope -- Give him a chance! Sure he was party of Hitler�s Boy Scouts, but he�s a lot older now. You need a good reason to kill someone and an even better reason to toss a chainsaw through the stomach through His Holiness. The Monster Sometimes using a weapon on a monster will just make it mad. My monster nomination is the T-1000. Do you think that the T-1000 just would care if you threw a chainsaw at him? It would probably become part of him, and then he�d have a chainsaw coming out of his stomach. Incidentally, He�d kick the living hell out of the female bot from the third movie�just out of principle alone, but she just didn�t impress me. Where were your fem-bot machine guns lady? Lame. The Ian Zering Factor � Why this guy isn�t on the Surreal Life blows my mind. He has to be a used car salesman by now. �I was the only balding High Schooler in TV history! How�d he even get the job? Why didn�t Arron Spelling demand he get hair implants? Are you telling me Zering wouldn�t agree to this? What kinda leverage could he have possibly had in the 90210 contract negotiations? They could have worked it into the show! Next week on 90210 Steve struggles with hairloss, and Brandon grows a mohawk, and Kelly copes with the loss of loved ones hair. Anyway, the reason you wouldn�t want to throw a chainsaw is because this man is charmed. He doesn�t really have anything going for him but pure luck. To throw a chainsaw with the intention of Killing Ian Zering would be signing your own death sentence. Death not Ironic Enough The guy who invented Secret Santa/Yankee Swap makes my skin burn. Oh, I got a gift certificate for someone, but in return I get a wooden whistle that makes train noises. What the hell! The worst is a gift set of jellies. Not only do jellies FREAK me out, but lets get serious. Who eats that much toast. Anyway, the guy who invented ye olde Yankee Swap should died in a ironic way like while getting a liver transplant someone puts in him a can of mixed nuts. Dustin Diamonds Rule There are out of work actors, there are people who never should have been famous, and there are reality TV show �stars,� and then there is Dustin Diamonds. Being cast as Screech on Saved by the Bell was both the only and most surprising role he would ever get. This is absurdly obvious. He not just typecast, but he�s an actor who is so pathetic that people wouldn�t trade places with him. That�s low. I mean he�s got money and no one would want to be Screech. His life is over and throwing a chainsaw through him would be dishonorable and frankly insulting to such a pathetic wretch of a man. T.V. Show hosts Have you ever noticed how insanely likable TV hosts are? Could you get mad at Rodger Lodge? Joe Rogan? How about Jeff Probst or Bob Barker? No. Somehow hosting a T.V. Game show program makes you just really really likeable. I mean I swear they could put Osama Hosting the match game and we�d start to like him. �I�m thinking about something and I�m drawing a blank .� The exception is Louis Anderson. We should throw a chainsaw through him for hosting family feud. That�s a fact. Pet actors Do you really want to grind Benji in two? Milo and Otis? Rin Tin Tin, Lassies? That Darn Cat? The dog from Fraser, Eddie? How about Spuds Mackenzie? I mean these Pet actors are cute and cuddly, we don�t need to kill them with chainsaws! However I would like to see a list of actors that consistently work with Animals� I think those people might have a little John Deer Toss in their future. The other Six Dwarfs Okay. Each dwarf gets their own death due to the annoyance factor. Doc getting the least bad death, and Doopy getting the worst death imaginable which of course is being eaten by genetically mutanted human pigs without teeth. I nominate Bashful to get hit by the chainsaw. People who use the Nick Name Chainsaw In High school when they asked to write down the �name you wish to be called� I wrote down �Gumphood, would like to be called Chainsaw� in one of my word processing classes. The teacher then called me chainsaw for the remainder of the year. What a sport! Anyway, they really wanted to cut down their names from Gregory to Greg, or Valentine to Skip (true story). But instead I was called Chainsaw. One name. I used to sign all my paper�s �Chainsaw.� God I sucked. But my point is, if I was killed by an actual chainsaw, that would be to clich� and expected. I mean, I think that chainsaws should have been thrown at me, but I would have to die from like a falling tree. Who are some people you think SHOULD be killed by chainsaws? | |||||||||||
