2005-06-14 - 3:48 p.m.

Bad Bad Movies

So I love amazon.com because when I am looking at something it often times recommends other things similar things to look at. Take for example if I was looking at Citizen Kane, Amazon would recommend Casablanca, a similar classic type movie piece from the same era.

So I got to thinking. What if I was looking at a piece of shit book or DVD. What would it recommend? Would Amazon try to get me back on the right track and steer me towards a good movie? Or would it peg me as a man with no taste and send me into Friday the 13th Series?

And then how would Stephan Spielberg feel if customers that watched Gigli also liked Schindler's List? (or being called Stephan for that matter)

Anyway, the following was that experiment.

I will set the entry up in the following way.

1) The Name of the Book or DVD
2) A Snide comment from a random internet person
3) Customers recommendation.
4) My Comment

Lo's Diary by Pia Pera -- Anyone attempting to rewrite Vladimir Nabokov's 1955 masterpiece ''Lolita'' -- from the perspective of the baby vixen herself -- is asking for trouble. But did it have to be riddled with bratty lines like, ''I love people who are good-looking. I can't stand ugly people''?

Customers who bought this book also bought
� Vladimir Nabokov's Lolita: A Casebook (Casebooks in Criticism) by Ellen Pifer

I�ve neither read the book, nor the classic. I just heard it was really bad. It would be like going back and doing Citizen Kane through the eyes of Rosebud. Incidentally, that�s two Citizen Kane references already. I am WAY past my quota.

A Walk to Remember Nicholas Sparks -- Boy meets girl. Boy falls in love. Boy and girl become orphanage-visiting do-gooders. Girl has secret. Boy evolves. Novel reads like a bad ''Afterschool Special.''

Customers who bought this book also bought
� The Notebook by Nicholas Sparks
� Message in a Bottle by Nicholas Sparks
� A Bend in the Road by Nicholas Sparks
� The Rescue by Nicholas Sparks
� The Guardian by Nicholas Sparks
� The Wedding by Nicholas Sparks

Now I�ve heard of being into an author, but it seems that if you read Nicholas Sparks you ONLY read Nicholas Sparks. Really now! And who is looking forward to �The Rescue�Guardian-Wedding� over done Romantic indulgences which are destine to be made into (lifetime) movies.

Gigli -- I thought The Godfather was boring. No story! The characters were flat and stinky! Gigli, on the otherhand was totally fab! Ben Affleck and J Lo were so hot and steam-filled. I loved them. And Al Pacino was obviously much better in this than he was in Godfather, and I thought Brandon Marlo would have been much better in Gigli, had he been cast.

(we would like to apologize to) Customers who bought this DVD also bought

Angel Eyes DVD ~ Jennifer Lopez

Not a single bad Ben Affleck movie made the recommendation list. I bet Angel Eyes is a gigantic piece of shit as well. The quote, I liked, because if he was kidding that�s pretty funny, and if he�s not, that�s even better. But back the Angel Eyes�who wants to see that movie? I had high hope for J-Lo after Out of Sight, and The Cell, but its just really hard to buy singer/actresses.

Supernova -- I have had the misfortune of being subjected to many bad movies throughout my life. I like to give all types of movies a chance. Just I can be pleasantly surprised, I can also be visually and intellectually tortured. This movie proved that.

Customers who bought this DVD also bought:
� Dream Lover DVD

Supernova still holds the �worst overall movie� I have ever seen. I take budget into account. If you shoot a home movie for 1.75, I expect to see a movie worth 1.75. For a 50 million dollar budget, I�ve never seen anything worse than Supernova. EVER. And the best part is the one guy who bought it (cause he thought it was a NOVA special) also bought the semi-sweet romantic Dream Lover. Tre Weird.

You Got Served -- I deserves to be recognized as one of the worst movies of all time because that is what it is. It is horrendous. Whoever allowed that movie to be released into theaters as well as the writer, all of the actors and the director of that movie should be punished severely for making me watch that failed attempt at a decent movie.

Customers who bought this DVD also bought:
� You Got Served - Take It to the Streets (Dance Instructional) DVD
� White Chicks (Unrated and Uncut Edition) DVD ~ Shawn Wayans

This movie is one of the worst (number 21 worst) movie ever made on IMDB. Why? Watch it and it comes off like a Richard Simmon�s video with a plot. And the plot is worse than a Richard Simmon�s video. Its fun to watch from the sense that nothing makes sense, the editing is awful, the acting is corny, and the actors exude as much talent as a popped blister. If you want that, rent a soft-corn porn, and at least there will be something to look at.

Son of Mask. -- I haven't seen it yet so I can't say, but I was just surprised to see this film in the bottom 10 worst movies of ALL TIME! I mean, there are some REAL stinkers on that list! So is this film really THAT bad?? I mean, not even "Gigli" or "The Master of Disguise" is on the worst 10 films of all time list!! If this rating is true, then I am afraid to find out how terrible this must be!

Customers who bought this DVD also bought:
� Elektra (Widescreen Edition) DVD ~ Jennifer Garner

And to tell the truth, did anyone think for a minute Son of Mask was going to be good? The answer is no. And it is selling on Amazon for 22.95. I hate to say�I bought it. That and Elektra.

For more on the worst movies ever check out the Bottom 100 films on IMDB.

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Finally, since we are on bad movies! Which one of the two New Sci-Fi Channel Orginals would you rather see.

Contestant 1: What if we remade Jurassic Park, for no money, and instead of dinosaurs, we used Ice Age Creatures. BRILLIENT!

SABERTOOTH ATTACK!

Contestant 2: What if man went to far, and we took the plot of Jaws, and mixed it with the plot of Deep Blue Sea, and the Fly? What if we made a movie about a Smart Man Shark who hated scientists! BRILLENT!

HAMMERHEAD FRENZY!

take that mansquito!

before - After

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