2005-06-10 - 3:27 p.m. Grand Theft Auto: Bahstin Grand Theft Auto: Bean City. I love Boston. I really do. But there is one thing that I could say will never happen. They will never make a Grand Theft Auto about our city. For those of you that don�t know, Grand Theft Auto is a video game where you submit yourself to the underworld of crime and corruption and just become a repugnant fictional human. You screw hookers and then kill them for your money back. You chase Priests having sex with boys off of peers. You beat cops to death with giant dildos. The game is depraved. Everyone is a hypocrite, and you are the straw that stirs the drink of immorality. A fitting example of something that might happen is to be hired kill a guy�s ex girlfriend by lighting her house on fire, and then you would take a picture of her charred corpse. The game is racist, sexist, violent, homophobic, and misogynistic. It�s the newest form of Pulp Fiction, and its selling millions. I wrote about this before here They have made games about New York, Miami, and L.A. (California). Cities remaining could be a really good one about Detroit, (Rappers, Rockers, Biggest Car manufactures, and a large opportunity to blow up the CN Tower), Philly, (you have black white conflict, as well as bombing the Amish), and maybe even Arizona (the car stealing capital of America). But for the Northeast region, seemingly, there just isn�t opportunity for this video game to develop. I actually think that they could do it. Here is why you shouldn�t have a GTA: Boston 1) Too Small. Boston Proper can fit in Central Park. If they were going to do another city I might suggest Boston. The story line would have you starting off as a white Irish Catholic boy growing up in South Boston. I see you coming back to the neighborhood after being sent away to Military School. Your local group would show you how the area changed, and how all the rich yuppies were moving in. The first part of the whole scenario would involve torching buildings and beating up yuppies to take back the neighborhood. They could also make up a part where a Hispanic Group was also trying to move in due to low housing prices. The main villain I think would be three fold. A) A Catholic Priest/Catholic Church which would easily shown as villainous and corrupt. I�m thinking he�s molesting your brother while you were away, and now he�s enslaved as an alter boy. B) The Corrupt Governor who is bringing in big bad business to the local shop owners. You can be their champion, and C) John Kerry. As you rose in power people would try to bring you down and maybe threaten killing your mom, or sending your brother to P-town. I was thinking that the following mission ideas would be great for the Boston area as well. 1) Logan Airport. The worst security airport in the country. We are talking about THE airport where people got into planes and blew up the towers. Trust me. GTA would go there. Although I could see one where you had to stop terrorist from blowing up their plane, stealing it, and running it into another target. 2) The Gay Parade. There is a whole mission in which you as a member of Southie would have to kill the gays in the parade. Since you were from southie you could old use bats or bike chains. 3) There would be a sequence before game 4 of the ALCS championship where you numb up Mariano Rivera�s arm with a little Novocain. 4) You could have the rural area and Hanscom Airforce Base where you could swipe a Jet. 5) A mission called "hired gimp" where you would go around mission sodomizing the priest that got you when you and you're piers when you were younger. Part of the overall plot I think would be taking down the church. I could see a mission to Rome. 6) A Kill Ben Affleck mission. He�s from Southie, and he�s denied his roots, but he�s come back for a Sox game so its time to bloody him up. I am betting by the time this came out they could get Ben Affleck to voice this. 7) Since its Boston, a strong sports theme is key. What if the out of state evil governor�s orginal state�s football team the Horses (cough*colts*cough) where playing and so he kidnapped Bill Belichick, and you have to save Bill and get him to the game before the timer runs out. The best part of this would be when you saved him opened up the door and he�s in the back of the van reviewing film. 8) We are totally looking past the Whitey Bulger twist here. This guy was a huge mobster, and that�s part of Boston. You could start off working for him, and then end up taking him out and cementing him into the Big Dig, making people always wondering where he was. 9) You could meat a rival gang at Lexington Concord and the mission could be called �The sh*t heard round the world�. 11) Snow, cobblestones, and streets the size of cupcakes. Don't even tell me that won't be fun to drive in. 12) The Big Dig workers are totally corrupt and causing leaks in the tunnel on the Governor�s orders! Take them out! 14) The T system is huge here as well, so a mission where you have to take hummer through the streets of Boston chasing a criminal/target would be great. 15) Kicking the shit out of the nerds and snobs over MIT and Harvard could be a great subplot. I mean they milked the Zero guy�s store in GTA: San Andreas, and so I could see two rival nerd gangs between Harvard and MIT fighting it out for turf superiority. How funny would a giant nerd war be? What better place than Boston. 16) At the end, I think that you would do missions to the islands off the coast of Mass. I could see the Governor trying to escape to Nantucket hoping to fly away and become president, meanwhile John Kerry taking his Yacht out to Martha�s Vineyard to start his 2008 campaign. I could see democrats and republican�s both coming together to launch a Rocket Propelled Grenade onto John Kerry�s yacht. | |||||||||||
