2004-07-14 - 9:41 a.m. Mystery Writer 2 Mystery Writer X here! I have had discussions with many people regarding Gumphood in preparation for my stint here as ghostwriter and I have gathered the following information. Through the land of the Internet, it�s quite possible that you are not aware of some of Gump�s idiosyncrasies. For those that know him personally you may be too aware of his oddness but I feel the knowledge must be published. Behold: Ten things you never knew about Gump and are afraid to ask! 1. Accents: On occasion and without warning he will break into an accent � British, Southern or otherwise. He once told me that when he was a waiter he would wait on people using different accents. As his friend, I needed to advise him that sadly � his accents actually aren�t good � they are lousy � some people humor Gump and say � �oh yes � splendid accent� but they are lying. Gump � give up the accent. 2. Food Issues: None of his food can touch other food � if a French Fry touches the chicken � its thrown out, if corn gets on the potato, both will suffer � I believe Shepard�s Pie would be a hellish nightmare. 3. Flair, Gumpy likes to have a bit of flair. Let me give you some examples, when cutting a steak the knife is flipped around and tossed from right hand to left hand then back to right again then finally the steak is cut. When crossing the street, Gump will do some spins and then some skips. Gump does entertain however because nothing is more funny than the rare, rare (read: very drunk) moment when he smokes � it�s a very European method. 4. Jiu Jitsu. Ever since Gump has started his new lesson of martial arts, we have all suffered. Any time one is within Gump�s reach, they have received a �wrist grip� or a �finger bend�. Additionally, his flexible wrists amaze him � while we all need a redeeming quality, a flexible wrist is not winning him a Nobel Peace Prize. And I quote from Gump �how far back can you bend your wrist?� Not your best pick-up line Gump. 5. Misnomers: As you may have read Gump likes to call things by a different name for example Cod Cape (better known as Cape Cod), Sun Tan Lotion (when he means sunscreen), Jin Jitsu (when its really Jiu Jitsu). Sometimes its funny � mostly its maddening. 6. Wine Coolers: Gump lives for wine coolers � the fruitier the better � he pretends to like beer but really lives for the Bartles & James wine coolers. His favorite is passion pink but will sometimes delve into the mango flavor. He also prefers to drink out of the bottle with a straw (of course the bendy straw!) 7. Pinky Fingers: Gump likes his pinky fingers � so much that any time he is drinking his wine cooler he holds out the pinkies as if they are their own entity. Another odd wine cooler grip is he tucks his middle and ring finger under � so its like he is giving the devil horns to his drink. 8. Laughing: When Gump laughs he pees a little � and it doesn�t even take a big laugh � it could be a little bit of a chuckle. 9. The 80�s. Gump missed out on the 80�s. Besides his vast knowledge of transformers, he is lost. He thinks the Bangles sang �Hotel California�, Menudo means �open� in Spanish, Wham! Has something to do with the game show �Press Your Luck� and 867-5309 is his social security number. VH1�s �I love the 80�s� has worked wonders. 10. Counting: When at a red light, Gump has the need to count down like �3�2�1�green� thinking that the light will change � on rare occasions he times it right and the light turns green when he says �Green� and he thinks he is the shit that day. In conclusion, I have to say that Gump adds spice to his life and therefore has more fun than most, he is able to laugh at himself and still feel good - perhaps this quality is the one we all know best about Gumphood. | |||||||||||
