2003-12-18 - 2:48 p.m. God 2 Fervor Something ached in me. With my world thrown into question by the people who I had grown to trust I wondered about my religion. I grew up so fervently on such idea�s of God and the Saints. The beautiful image of an eternal heaven to await me upon death. I wandered out of the church, that day, on my confirmation, and got on my motorcycle and headed back to my house. I had a party there, and my parents and grandparents and cousins and family and friends were there. My mother made a big deal of it. But I was stuck thinking. I was glad that I went home alone, because I wasn�t in the mood to socialize. I know that if my grandmother said something as simple as �Do you like the egg salad� I would snap back with �my faith has been called into question by the most unlikely of people. My priest, my councilor, and my most religious peer. I don�t have time to even consider whether the egg salad is worth liking.� But I was alone, so the second disaster of the day could be averted. However, at some point I had to return to my party. After a few spins around the local neighborhood, mostly avoiding my responsibilities at home, I pulled into the garage, and went to the backyard. I was greeted by my relatives. Lucky for me the beer was welcome by my relatives first, so I was off the hook until later. All I could think about was what went wrong? Where did this start? What caused me to believe the things that I was now confirmed for? I decided to go to the source. My cousin, who was my mother�s sister daughter, was in attendance. She grew up in a different time than me. She was much younger, born in 88� when I was already 10 years old. I felt that perhaps, her innocence would help me discover where things started. And then I could figure out where they ended. She was sitting there, alone, in her best Sunday white dress. She was in 6th grade, I believe with the nuns over at St. Margaret�s. Now, her dad, my Uncle, was a Born again Christian. But her mom, like both me and my mother were Catholic. I don�t think though that the distinguishing features of what make religions different are too noticeable at that age. I wanted to ask her so many things. Things I wish that I could ask myself� But I started so simple. �Cassy, I was wondering, I know this might be weird, but what � what do you think about God?� �Do you mean what he looks like?� �Yeah, what does he look like?� Cassy took a deep breath, �A big old guy, kind of like Santa Clause. I know that he loves humans a lot, and I figured he was very old. But now I know that God is imageless.� Her answer didn�t surprise me. Most people always picture God the same way, like abduction victims always draw the same wacky alien. It�s imbedded in us. �Where did you learn he was imageless?� �They taught us a lot of things about God in school.� I wondered if this is something children should be learning about in such a way, but I suppose� �What do they teach you?� �They teach us about the how to live our lives in a Christian way.� The phrase rang clear in my ears because I had heard it so much myself ��Christians Way?� �You know, the Ten Commandments, and the book of proverbs contain a lot of wisdom as well.� I could already tell that she knew her stuff, even at a young age. I figured that I would switch up the conversation a little. �Well that�s a nice dress you have there. Is white the right color to wear to church?� �Well I wanted to wear the color red to honor god. For Jesus� blood.� �Whoa. Well maybe next time.� �Do you go to church often cousin Gump?� �I guess not as often as I should�think I am going to hell?� �No. I don�t think god would be angry. Just being around other believes is just a good environment to be in.� I realized that she wasn�t Catholic. But my question from before was still nagging me. The topic of my speech. Can Science and Religion Co-exist? �How do you think the world was created?� �I know how. Exactly as it is related in the book of Genesis. God spoke, and the universe was created. Foom!� She made a motion of an explosion and the then clapped her hands. To her, God created the earth exactly as it says. But that the problem; I want to learn about the beginning, but no one can agree. How did I first begin feeling this urge to find God inside me? How did this whole genetic soup begin? How do you ask this of someone ten years younger than you? �Do you think about God much?� �I think I do, but I'm not sure. I wouldn't know for sure without documenting my thoughts all day long, and if I did that, I would think about God continually, knowing that I was writing all this down. Did that make sense? It's like telling someone not to think about elephants, and they can't help but think about elephants. �What�s God�s favorite animal?� �I'm thinking dove here, but obviously I wouldn't know.� �Not the elephant?� �No, not the elephant.� I wonder if she thinks I am ten years younger than she is. I figured I hit her with a hard one. �Do you think that heaven and hell are real? Do think that we are judged on our actions?� �They're real places. It's quite simple. If you believe that Jesus saved you, you go to heaven. If you don't, you go to hell and live with Satan. Voila!� Was it that simple? It sounded so familiar and I could feel something inside me wanting to just believe it, and eat some egg salad. But at the same time I felt like I wasn�t even scratching the surface. �If your family died, could you love god? If you won a million dollars, would you love god more? What about if you got colon cancer? And if you think that you should love God the same no matter what; then why love god at all? What benefit do we have to loving God?� �If you believe that Jesus Christ died to erase your sins, then you really have no choice but to love God. He saved you from eternal condemnation. Also by following His commands, the greatest command is love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, and mind.� What fervor this girls has, and how tightly she holds onto to what she knows is right. Her eyes are bright with the light of righteousness. She knows the truth�at least to her. And then I remember, I too wanted to be a preist, when I was 15. I, until today, never really questioned God. She IS me. She believes the way I once believed? But I lost something today. I can�t figure out what, but the answers just don�t ring as true. She has reminded me of where I was. I feel awful for using her. �I am sorry Cassy. I am sorry if I was intrusive.� �No, I didn't think your questions were invasive. I don't understand how religion can be so private you can't talk about it. I mean you can have a personal relationship with God, but you have to be loud about it. It's so good you can't keep quiet. And even if you don't talk much, your actions should show it. I think sometimes people are ashamed of their religion, and that's why they don't want to discuss it. But your religion should not be something shameful, really. It's just what you believe.� �I don�t know what to believe anymore�� | |||||||||||
