2005-09-06 - 3:29 p.m. Christmas Catalog: Worst Gifts Ever Ah Christmas in September. In case you missed the last two entries, I read a Christmas catalog and decided that catalogs are pretty damn funny. The first entry dealt with men�s bad dressing, while the second entry dealt with gifts you instantly regretted. This Entry is about the worst gifts you could ever purchase. Let�s start with this one. Let�s, for a moment, say this is superior to a jar in some way. Maybe it counts the money for you, and the diagram claims it says something like �Hi, welcome back.� I like friendly machines. � But are you really that interested in paying 20 dollars so that you can fiddle with this stupid machine eating your money, and spitting it back out! I have a hard enough time dealing with the aggravation at a soda machine, but sometimes I really want a soda! I am just trying to save money here, and it keeps spitting it out! If I want to have a hassle in saving my money, I�ll get a girlfriend. (incidentally before this comment, I had a girlfriend) Next, Okay, little Georgie loves fighting like Spiderman. He slaps on the wrists cuffs and he�s swinging from building to building. But wait, look again� There are THREE wrist things to Velcro together� I have two ankles� Only boys are allowed to play this game� There was a steamy sex scene in Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas�I have to assume that this thirst �wristband� is for my penis. Sure the kids got it for his foot, but why is that the only one that vibrates? Spider sense my ass� More like Spider Sex. Georgie is going to fuck like spiderman! Keep your children busy for hours as they accidentally explore their sexuality with �Spider-Man the game: Where Boys become Men� This one is just stupid. Who wants a giant stuffed letter pillow? I�d rather have�a pillow WITHOUT a hole in the middle. This is only acceptable if you have five daughters named Brenda, Andrea, Laura, Lisa, and Samantha. Then it�s funny. 1st. I should have put this in the �men will wear anything� entry, because this is a gift only a man would use. Look at the ADD of this device. TV, Radio, super bright lantern, flashlight (how are those two different?), emergency siren, and storage space. Some how those items count as 7 in 1. Bullshit Incidentally, who thinks the storage space is where you put the EIGHT DOUBLE D BATTERIES! Who needs this? Who has 8 Double D batteries? And they don�t even bother to include the batteries?. [ Batteries not included. Do you remember that movie? I think the movie was robot aliens take pity on old people and cook for them. Steven Spielberg produced this? Was this a real movie, or a strange dream? Who were the bad guys? Rust? I mean I just can�t believe that 1) this was made, and 2) I liked it. Now with all the twist endings Hollywood is doing, it would end with the robots being the drug induced fantasy of some old guy at a home, wishing that robots cooked for him. In the final scene he�d be chewing his own vomit.] Have you ever wanted to taste cereal all day? Look no further! No seriously though. Is General Mills going to start making lucky charm chap stick? What IS this? Froot Loops taste like pure �froot� sugar. Notice: �Froot� is not a Gumpism. It�s a real word that looks like Fruit, but is not fruit. Just like this is like a Cosmetic Set, but some bizarro freak set of glosses that give you weird cravings to listen to a talking Tucan, and possibly buy Camel Reds when you turn 18. No robber will ever think to look for the key in the Obese Cardinal with the screw off head. Why don�t you just put cookies in there too with a sign that says �Rob Me� on your house? Best line � �Enjoy a Tranquilizing Kaleidoscope of Changing Colors.� Do you really want to describe your product as �tranquilizing?� Soothing is an alternative that won�t remind the customer of being shot with a needle gun. �Are Lava Lamps too exciting for you? Get shot by the tranquil effects of our misting machine. Enters directly into the bloodstream, batteries not included.� The entire description is total rookie action. It tells how with �oils and lemon juice� the mist will add a fragrance to the room. Because I really want a device that can not only knock me out and tag me for research but also spills oil and lemons all over my furniture. Wait, let me spend 22 bucks to get the most cutting-edge light-shifting misting machine on the market. A device so numbing that it�s used in every nursing home in North America. Nothing says stupid like a machine that�s best ad campaign involves fake noises on the page. �Oh, the machine makes a �Beep Beep and a Ching Ching noise? Now I have to own it?� That�s pretty low, even for a catalog. Have you ever been to a car dealership and the salesman starts making engine revving sounds in the passenger seat? Wouldn�t you walk away right there? What if a Briss started making snipping and cutting noises when he was describes the circumcision? Next time I am out on a date, I�m gonna make kissing and humping noises to close the deal. See above. Except this is worse, because it claims these Piles of Walking shit have an authentic Roar? Then it proceeds to insult my humanity by writing not Roar but RoaRRR! as if two extra �Rs� are going to transport me back to the Mesozoic Era. This is just comedy Gold. Look. �Ferocious Electronic Sounds!� There is no possible punch line to that! �Moving Articulating Heads!� Is it going to debate you? Is articulate the right word here? Check out the picture with the eyes shooting lighting. Shit man, some dipshit mom�s and dad�s are disappointing their kids this Christmas. And don�t even think for a second that this thing is going to make it two days before it breaks. I can�t even look at this anymore. It disgusts me. For the piece de resistance, it was a tough call. The runner up is, �Learning tools for da Hood aka �I�m gonna go Grover Cleveland on your ass.� Seriously. The cheapness of this blows me away. Pretty much you are buying 43 knives, with sticky faces of presidents on them. What in the fucking world would you need this for? I don�t care if you are the goddamn curator of the Library of Congress and the idea of peeling apples with Woodrow Wilson gives you a stiffy, and the thought of cutting meat with James Polk makes you wet. THIS IS A SHITTY PRODUCT!!!! I can�t even understand how this was made. Who was like �Yes. Yes that is an item that will sell! Make me three dozen!� That man should be fired. This is a waste of time. If ninja�s were invading my house, and I had the option of owning this, or NOT owning this I would not own it, because the embarrassment of my death owning this gift is too great than my chances of living and defeating the Ninjas. And the grand prize for �worst gift ever� An effing Pet Stroller. 1) What animal wants to go outside in a stroller? If my pet was so lazy I needed to wheel it around, it�s no longer a pet. It�s a dead pet. I think the Knives are stranger, but the Pet Stroller makes me weep for America. And in the end, the reality that someone this Christmas will be trying to cart around their pet makes me sad for the U.S. I�d rather you took your money and bought crack. Because the crack might kill you. BONUS: I was thinking tell dad � Merry Christmas, but I figured I stick with the dry humor. If you think this is a good idea for my Christmas cards this year, please let me know. | |||||||||||
