2005-09-02 - 3:20 p.m. Christmas Catalog: Gifts You Instantly Regret
If you missed yesterday�s update Men Will Wear Anything well today�s next segment is �People will buy anything.� This is a list of things from the catalog that I could see people buying and INSTANTLY regretting. Case in Point.
There is a rule somewhere that says the men, at birth, must choose to like EITHER Golf or Fishing. At least that�s what the gifts shops would have you believe. I mean, I like NEITHER Golf NOR Fishing. But I do like clocks and this my friends is one ugly clock. This clock makes College dorm room posters look like art. I mean, think about it. Lets say I liked Star Wars. Would I want this clock with Chewbaccas all over the place? No. It�s an ugly clock. Speaking of ugly.
The purpose of this �game cube� is to pick up games around the room and store them. Now, I assume this is because we think that games being left around the floor makes the room look messy. Do you need this? I personally don�t think that this cube is going to make the room look any better looking! Its hideous! And who has like a box full of games out at anytime anyway? Unless you are shopping for The Riddler I don�t think this �gift� is for you.
Finally!!! Now I can think about drawing an inside straight as I masturbate in the shower. Poker has gotten out of control. What guys pulls the trigger on this one? Here are the criteria for buying this 1) Man must be a bachelor. (because no women would allow us to do this to the bathroom) So I want a show of hands on how many men out there, who are single, would have a bathroom theme and order from a catalog. If you are a bachelor, it�s not because you WANT a bathroom theme. It�s so you DON�T have to have a bathroom theme. You want to leave your wet towel on the bathroom floor. You want to play online poker while on the can. You don�t want you toilet giving you betting odds!!! The best part about this is the description. The Poker Craze Invades Your Bathroom !!! Hey, at least they are honest. It�s a CRAZE, and it�s INVADING your bathroom. Who wants their bathroom invaded? I'm here to tell you that the only thing you have to do to stop this invasion is put down the pen, and close the checkbook. *Whew* That was a close one.
This self described �Hilarious Gift� will make the perfect treat for Uncle Al, clean and sober for three years, just to remind him why he isn�t allowed to drink anymore. Are these cute? No. This is something you buy at Spencer�s Gifts, AKA the store where EVERYTHING you buy you INSTANLY regret. My girlfriend doesn�t even allow me to go in there anymore. And honestly, what do I need in there? Do I need a fat girl calander? Do I need a giant beer bottle? Do I need to get caught looking at bikini posters and try to play it off like I�m looking at the hemp poster? Do I need a blacklight? How about a strobe light? There should be a sign on the store that says �No returns. No reason. No how.�
I included these because they are Moving on.
When your princess can�t pick just one to emulate, she can have all four! Seriously though, was Belle a princess? I thought she was just a nerd. And I love �Sweet Dreams Await in these Super Cute Nighties!� Honestly those arms are not cotton. Those are sheer. Who can sleep in sheer? That�s going to kill your skin. Breakout city. Maybe it won�t matter when you are sleeping in �.
Big Dreams inflatable beds. Cranky kids are inevitable. I would blame parents for buying a thirty dollar bed, but I blame Disney for these kids incepted nightmares. Frankly if I want my kid to have a good night sleep, its not in an inflatable bed. I will bed them on the old fashioned m-a-t-t-r-e-s-s. The ONLY advantage is the easy cleanup after a bed wetting incident. Can you imagine the poor child in the sheer princess contraption, wetting herself in the cheap inflatable bed? I think Jesus got better sleep on the crucifix.
Switching Gears, can I complain? -( I have been for a week now)- I know this is a cheap catalog, but can my Angel get a booty, and My Bad girl get a chest. Honestly. Have you seen a flatter �Bad Girl?� How about a more bootyless Angel? These two should have switched. And girls, why do you buy these? I THINK its to attract attention to that region? Am I wrong? If something is written on a girls butt, I am going to read it. I am a scholar. I can�t help it. It might be a warning sign. What if it�s a clue? It could be the difference between life or death! [ As good as these are�they all have failed as good excuses for staring at a girls backside. Alas.] I�m gonna get jeans with �Boss Hog� written across the Zipper.
Elmo scares the shit out of me. I was too old when he got big, and two young when he was primetime. Now they are trying to convince me that he�s gonna say something different with every outfit? Thats Horse Hockey. Check it out! click on picture! Sample: [Side Note: Rectory. Interesting name don�t you think] Nude Elmo -- Oink Oink. (Now they aren�t even trying) Elmo is sick.
Instead of getting you dead pet taxidermied, why not get an �old lady� dog pillow. Who�s Grandma didn�t have one of these ugly ass duck/dog/cat pillows on their plastic wrapped couch. The best part is this is a TWO PAGE SPREAD! That�s like the pull out girl in nudy mags! This means this is a HOT SELLER! Who is buying this? ONE of my readers has to confess to this! The other thing that I wonder is � are their repeat buyers? Probably not right? So who keeps buying these? Am I the only one who wonders this?
Finally, one of the most offensive gifts in the catalog� Senor Moments. No this isn�t �When was the last time you puked in your sleep� this is �when was the last time you didn�t shit you pants while you slept.� Instead of asking �Pick the gay one� and the answers being, �Andy Dick, Dennis Rodman, Anne Heche, A-Rod� the answers will look more like, �Ethel Merman, Steve McQueen, Milton Burrel, and Laurence Olivia.� They claim hours of fun? Hours? fun? We are talking about old people here! It�s Senor moments! The Game so Tacky, that you�ll lucky they�ll forget who gave it to them! Were I to make this game, I would just mess with the old folks with questions like. Kids should be: People do things Things are better Who gets goes through more diapers? The proper tip on a bill that comes to 46.95 is Senor Moments, the game you are bound to forget! | |||||||||||
