2005-09-01 - 1:28 p.m.

Christmas Catalog: Men Will Wear Anything

The Gump Shops Early.

The Gump says: �Christmas is coming.� And when Christmas is coming, it means catalogs need to be looked at and presents need to be bought.

However, I shouldn't be the one allowed to buy gifts.

The next three entries will be all from the Lakeside 2005 catalog.

I surmise the people that design gift catalog�s have the following credo, �we have no idea what we are selling.� That�s not to say that they are stupid, or that things in their catalog�s are crap. That's only half true!

In fact, I respect the catalog because what it does: It gives you glimpses into what people might be buying for each other.

(As a note, you can click on the pictures and make them bigger if you would like, and most the times the humor is in the fine print.

I call this series, �Men will wear anything.�

This is because men will wear pretty much anything? If its comfortable a male -in his natural state of leisure- will put anything on their bodies. I don�t care if the shirt says �I poked a cows,� or �Mungo-Wiccan Rally 99�� we will wear it unless it has the following properties.

1) It is of unmanly color. Forget holes, stains, or general damage. If the shirt is pink, purple, or teal, we probably are going to leave it in the back of the closet.
2) If it doesn�t fit. While this may seem to make sense, men have the habit of saying �oh I�ll wear that� or �I like that shirt� but we know in our hearts it doesn�t fit. We won�t wear those shirts. But we will keep them forever, never to actually wear the shirt.
3) If we are publicly mocked There is a difference between nagging, and mocking. Nagging can actually INCREASE a shirts value as now men associate that with defing the spouse and will wear it to be fresh. Now if I went out to a bar, and a complete stranger said �what dead homeless guy did you pull that off of?� I will indeed never consider wearing that shirt again. Girls, wanna get rid of that 3# Nascar Shirt your man always wears? Just have a hussy say, �That�s the faggiest car shirt I have ever seen,� and in the trash it goes. Its better than if you shit on the shirt. If you shit on it, we could say, �a little bleach will take of that!� but if we associate it with public humiliation, its forever discarded.

In short, men have no sense sometimes. Sure, occasionally we pull through, but it was probably thanks to a girl. Now, catalog�s know this, so lets look at what they offer the men.

Here we have a pretty standard jacket. Its not that ugly. But honestly, there is nothing nice about it. [As a note, the man seems to be carrying a couple logs. I don�t know what that is about. In what situation would you need two logs? If you are building a fire, you need more. If you are moving wood, you bring more. He�s carrying those logs around like a trapper-keeper. This bothers me.] The mistake here. In the upper left hand corner. The �Camo� color. This also known as the �mistake� color. It�s the person who picks �midnight blue� for his car and gets purple. Guys fall for camo. We think �it�s manly. Chicks dig manly,� or �I could carry logs in that.� Whatever we think, it ends up being stupid. And 30 dollars later we have a jacket we never wear again.

Men love football. Men love girls. Men love girls that love football and what better way than a football Santa hat. A football santa hat? WHAT!?! Ho Ho Ho Touchdown! This makes no sense. Can you imagine the look on the girls face when she�s given a Green Bay Santa hat? Plus this is a football hat that makes the guy look GAY. One of the KEY things to remember about football is there are no hats! None. They wear helmets. And men, if you buy this, you won�t be getting any more tight ends.

If you give a guy a free t-shirt it�s like goddamn gold. That man will think it�s like getting a Roles Royce for eating a butterfinger. - No downside - But for gods sake, who wants to wear a shirt about their car? There is no winning! Let�s say you WANT at BMW. You wear the shirt, and the girl thinks �this guy has a beamer� and then you take her home in you Tercel. Lets say you have a beamer. It�s like wearing the concert shirt at the concert you are at! She�ll figure out you have a beamer when you drive.

And a Jeep shirt?

What IS that? What are you trying to say when you wear that? I like Jeeps? I am a Jeep owner? I want you in my Jeep? Me and my Jeep are friends? Does that say something about you like �I am pro-outdoors, but anti-environment.� �My car can go off-road where I can kill you in a quiet spot where no one will find your body?� What girl will be like �finally, my Jeep man dreams have been answered!� This shirt is only bought by 30 something�s whose marriage is on the rocks and they screwed the gas tank of their jeep late one night.

(thats a mistake BTW guys. Trust me ...)

The Description of these pants are �for sleeping, lounging, or WHATEVER! How about �for not leaving the house. Comes in only XXL or XXXLx2. What kinda outing do you wear these to? A poker tournament? I�m pretty sure everyone�s gonna call that bluff.

Since I own a pair of pants this bad ( a Christmas gift from my mom who I guess thought I didn�t get out of the house much) The only time I will wear them is when I think I might get a high five from someone.

And those high fives aren�t �nice one man, up high.� Those high fives are �keep reaching for those stars, dreams do come true� that you give to SPED kids. I find I often have to look ashamed and say something like �their from my mom. ( or grandmom if it�s a really horrified look )

Or the guy catch-all, �its laundry day.�

How Genuis is that phrase? It's Val Kilmer Real Genius bitches.

On �laundry day� you can wear high heels, sweatpants, and a hypercolor shirt, and once you utter "laundry day", you�ll get a lot of �I�ve been there buddy, stay strong� like your dog just died or something. Its fantastic.

These are generic pieces of shit. You get three guys, white, black, and the Mulatto/Latino/Chinese/Indian/Eskimo light brown. Slap on numbers, and boom, ornament. Don�t waste my time. My unborn daughter made better ornaments with her sawdust in shop class.

For the casual commando. Are the deer stressing you out? Did you bunk-up with an officer last night? Do you live in a demilitarized zone? Are you tired of wearing your girlfriends pussy pink robe?

Yes, men are this dumb.

My favorite is not only are they labeled, but its color coded. That�s white for the face, and color disguising brown for the anal area. In general this is a good gift for a bachelor, since I say we wash our towels once a YEAR after we used it to wipe up beer the night before. Lets keep the butt germs with the butt germs, and the face germs with the face germs.

Finally, a prime example as to WHY men should never catalog shop alone.

I LIKE this. I might BUY this.

I see �bear shitting in the woods� jokes all over the place.

I see myself pretending to hunt bears on the toilet all while wearing my camo fleece robe, football Santa hat, over my Hyundi T-shirt, my poker pants around my ankles, and trying to claim to my girlfriend that is the reason I was in the bathroom so long.

Either that or that its laundry day.

before - After

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