2005-12-12 - 2:38 p.m.

Christmas: Snooping

This is the critical time people. The critical time for present snooping.

First of all its Monday, which means that the presents that were bought this weekend are fresh and clean and somewhere in your house � but more importantly�they are unwrapped. There is absolutely no way that someone who made a Sunday purchase has already wrapped the present they are intending to give to you.

Why are unwrapped presents important? Listen up. Here are the general rules for Christmas snooping.

1) Never get caught.
2) Never tear the wrapping paper.
3) Always act surprised.
4) Always pay for your sins.

If you are a snooper, which I am not, it means you hate waiting for the �fat man� to �deliver� the presents to you. The presents are in the house, now the question is �where are they� and �what are they�.

If you have a male present buyer, the �where� should be easy? In fact, you might stumble on them by accident. The truth is the really good hiding spots will be reserved for the porn, and no man worth his salt will compromise that location with presents. More likely the man will place the presents in the closet with a sweatshirt over them. The really crafty man might use a clean folded sweatshirt realizing the dirty sweatshirt would actually attract eyes to the area as a place that needs picking up.

Some other bad male hiding spots include:
-Under the desk (plain view)
-Under the bed
-Outside (in the snow)
-In the trunk of the car

Femens tend to be the trickery of the genders. You see the femens know about these locations in the house that the mens never go. The linen closet. The �nice� room. The Laundry room. The Femens side of the closet. So as a mens, the goal is to just think of a place in the house you never (want to) go. If you are really expecting a big gift like an ipod, check the bathroom behind the tampons. Normally the pons are like a magical shield of mens repellant, but in this one case, give it a shot. Just wear gloves.

So now the next question once you have discovered the hiding place is �what are they�. Now if you have acted quickly the present isn�t wrapped and voila you have satisfied you carnal need of denying your significant other or parent the pleasantly of surprising you (that�ll show em). However, if it�s wrapped, you must resist the urge to tear into the present like a shark to a surfer.

Coming home to wrapped presents unwrapped is the third worst way to start off Christmas.

The second worst way is to discover that your father is actually part squid and he�s laid eggs in you for Christmas in a strange incest related nocturnal invasion.

The worst being Christmas with the Cranks.

If you have discovered the present wrapped you have three options.

1) Risk the worst Christmas since �Squidmas�
2) Try this on the presents, which is the best way to remove tape without really having to redo the present. It honestly works. If you don�t have time for the Jiffy steamer, pour yourself some whiskey and use a humidifier. The whiskey�s just cause who doesn�t like whiskey?
3) Check the credit card statement. Now the real reason that I don�t recommend this is because you never know what you might find. Maybe you�ll learn your husband been spending a little too much time out at the aquarium. Maybe you�ll see your wife has bought you both matching sets of Scooby-doo underwear, and you are left waiting weeks dreading Christmas, and thinking of the implications. Then Christmas comes and no underwear. You are left for the rest of your life wondering if she returned them or if maybe she�s cheating on you with a giant talking dog.

My point: sometimes snooping hurts everyone. Sometimes Snooping ruins lives. Sometimes snooping ends lives� So remember this Christmas snoop with care�.

And that means DON�T GET CAUGHT!

The name of the game isn�t �rummaging�. The house isn�t supposed to look like the FBI team couldn�t find the file in the house, so they trashed the place�.everything is supposed to look normal.

For things to look normal you MUST feign surprise. If you aren�t a good actor, well, maybe you shouldn�t snoop Sherlock. Remember the benefit of snooping is to satisfy YOUR curiosity, NOT to disappoint the person who bought you the present.

So you must act surprised and pay for your sins. That is to say �if you found you were getting absolute crap for Christmas, well, grin and bear it! You snooped, you pay the price.

Don�t ruin Christmas with your chumpy half smile. Otherwise Lucas the Christmas land-shark will fly up an airvent and bite your stinky bah-humbug pecker-head off.

Incidentally, I think I'll be top google search for �Christmas Squid Sex�

before - After

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