2004-10-07 - 1:15 p.m. Worldly Creatures I wonder if people from Australia would have been weirded out by the North American Badger. I don�t think so. North American animals are pretty fucking pedestrian. They ate the evolution boring pill. Whoops, the garden snake. Whoops, the Squirrel. Whoops, the Blue Jay. BORING I went to the zoo the other day and like, the North America section was a snow cat (that was like sick or dead), a porcupine, and a fox. Like come on North America. South America has like 50-foot electronic snakes, a tropical bird that eats planes with its eyes, and flying sharks. And Australia!!! Those weirdo�s have the weirdest animals ever. Like its Animal island 2.1. All those crazy ass creatures have screwed each other for years until they became mutant animals. The wombat? The koala? What the fuck is a koala? Its like if a bear had sex with a possum, who then had sex with Teddy Ruxpin. I�m not sure who had the actual baby, but those things are weird. I look out my window and I see a deer. A boring ass deer. No horns, no antlers, it can�t breathe fire � it just freezes in headlights. What kinda superpower is that? If there was a continental fight of animals we would be so fucked. Asia would send in Bengalese tiger or the Kimono Dragon, meanwhile Australia sends in its Crocodile and like the Wooly Mammoth, South America doesn�t pull any punches and sends a giant Mothra like bug, and like this reptile that no one has ever seen because its just too fucking reptilian and most people just thought it was Paraguay. North America submits: the Fox and the porcupine. At least we would do better than Europe. Their best animal is literally the Prague Party Animal. I actually don�t think they have animals. (and after two world wars, if I were an animal I would get the hell out of there too.) Like try to name a cool European animal. I think the Yak *might* be European. I mean, Europe mostly imported animals from other countries. I think that Europe got way in the technology game because of this. I mean in Africa, you have the Kenyans. Amazing runners but this is only because they are running the fuck away from Vampire bats and Savannah Lions. Who�s got time for a 401k when a Rhino is ramming your house!!! Europe was like, we have the pigeon and the reindeer. Whatever� No seriously. I just googled it and got this website and low and behold Europe has the reindeer and the goddamn fox. Great job America we don�t even have the fox anymore. (speaking of which So. America doesn�t have the flying shark; that�s Australia, but you still can check out that giant plane eating bird down the bottom.) We lost the fox, but we do have the Beaver and the Bison. I love the Buffalo. That�s like the best cow shaped creature ever. The Wildabeest is a close second, but the Buffalo is just this freaking mammoth cow that BEGS to be ridden. Were I really rich, I would kill Ted Nuggent and ride his Buffalo. Then the man would try to put me in jail (for murder), but I would be riding around on a Buffalo, and they would have horses. My Buffalo would eat their horse so fast. It would just sink its fangs into the horses neck and GAME OVER!!! No reset button on that one copper. Then after I ate like 4 horses, they would just stop messing with me. But still, if there were zombie animals, how much happier would you be in Europe or North America? Fighting off the Were-beaver is a lot easier than the Were-Kimono Dragon. It�s a fucking DRAGON, good god --like it needs polymorphing powers. Why don�t you just teach it how to use a machine gun? Yeah, a sturdy log cabin would pretty much protect you from most zombie animals in North America. Anyway, I am gone from Tonight until Monday. I am in a wedding in another neighboring state. I can�t say too much about it other than it should be a good time. So have a great weekend everyone. *Cheers to weddings and happiness* | |||||||||||
