2006-02-24 - 4:32 p.m. Ugly Girl/Pretty Girl There is one truth in this world --- men are pigs. I consider my friends some of the more respectful guys on the planet, but we can still very much be piggish dudes with our minds in the gutter. Its part of being male I think. More to the point, here is a story about Gump being that pig. I was on the train in the morning riding to work. This particular day I was with my significant other and it was a nice day out with birds singing and the sun heating up the 22 degree winds. We got a double seat together because it was an empty car and I had picked up the metro (which is the free paper they hand out on the train). When I was done with the paper (which is honestly before I even look at it) I put it down messy on the seat next to me. If you know me, you know that I have strange habits when it comes to public transportation. This is a comfort decision. A seat with a messy newspaper is a less desirable seat than an empty seat and thus there is a lower chance of someone sitting there. When choosing seats I try to quickly make the best decision based on this as well. Sitting next to a seat with water in it�etc. I won�t go as far as �sitting next to the wino� because it�s the wino. Incidentially the paper trick back fires with the wino. He sees the papers and thinks �Mmmm FOOD!� and then sits there and passes out on you. Ah�the T. Anyway, this very large girl came in. Okay, that�s not fair. She was HUGE. Even though she was under 30 years old�and I�m not trying to be cruel � but she was easily 300 pounds. One of those people that have a breathing problem just from moving. I felt bad for her, but I�m also totally repelled by her and I see her eye the paper seat�now the only remaining seat. She doesn�t go for it. I am relieved. I don�t have any issue with how people look or live their lives on their own, but the T becomes the nexus of unwanted human contact and I must say I start becoming judgmental in that setting. If you sit next to me and I have share space with you as our legs touch or arms rub in an uncomfortable dance of mutual horror�I�m not as nice as normal. If you are touching me, I get to judge you. Gump Rules in action. This girl stands�as another girl spies the seat. I see her look at the seat with the papers all over it. She�s probably in her mid 20�s. She�s very thin. She�s very pretty and attractive wearing standard female western business attire. I dare not go into to many other details because my sig-other reads this and --if I could detail her outfit from heels, to pinstripe pants, to a button up pink blouse underneath a suit jacket � I�d be in a lot of trouble. Something takes over. Its instinct. I�m under someone else�s power, ever so briefly. � I pick up the papers and clear off the seat. I�m pretty sure my wiley wanker just got me busted. As the feeling passes I realize what I have done. I�ve got a handful of papers�an attractive girl who just saw me lick the boots she walks in, and a girlfriend who has an eagle eye. I didn�t have much time. I ditched the paper right at my feet. The excuses started forming. �I wanted a thin person next to me�they take up less space.� �I felt bad about leaving my papers there� �I thought I knew her� �I thought she was you!� In general I learned over the years that my excuses get me two things. A quick laugh. The laugh says �Gump you are funny�.funny if you think I�m buying that� Then the pain. Excuses are done. I resort to plan 2. Pretend it never happened. I didn�t look at that girl again. She could have been on fire and I would have ignored her. Victoria Secret music could have come on and I wouldn�t have budged. Eyes on girlfriend. And all the while I am mad at myself. WHY! Why does this happen. Why do pretty girls get men to do anything they want? The poor heavy girl who just wanted to sit! Poor me for being a stupid man and is about the suffer my gender�s universal fate. Shelly resisted. At first I thought maybe I fooled her. But there was a smile she had that said �better not slip up cowboy.� I got off at my stop�and didn�t look back. To me, the pretty was dead. Later I brought it up and apologize to my girlfriend explaining the situation as a grotesque primal reaction that only verifies my theory about men and women. She replied with a simple �its amazing you men run this world� and I have to agree. I was a total screw up. And I really must admit I�m ashamed of it, but it�s a fact that it would probably happen again. Any guy who tells you they don�t bend the rules for attractive females is gay. And its not even like the girl asked for it. I�m a taken, happy guy WITH his girlfriend and I still clear a seat off for her? Shelly said she was surprised I didn�t shine her boots. I was too busy shinning the interior of the doghouse to have that register. | |||||||||||
