2003-12-12 - 12:00 p.m. My Shopping List for YOU I have decided to do a Christmas Gift list. I will be mailing my gifts out right away�in fact, consider them �in the mail� as we speak. I am giving gifts to the people on my buddy list. aliisfunny -- Ali though funny and from Boston has been naughty and not updated in nearly 60 days. For that you get a lump of coal, which in three year will turn into a diamond. It will be a shitty coal diamond though, not one of those nice new carbon diamonds you can make from dead pets and people. aliop33 -- Aliop has been a very good girl this year, but it seems that she has had far to much scandal at work. What I give to you Aliop is a magic wand to make one co-worker disappear for one day only. You can use the wand only once per day and never on the same person in back to back days. You will, of course, receive the pay of the person you �poof� out for the day. Anniewaits18 -- My darling Anniewaits, I actually have purchased you a Present of Christ. You will find it when you arrive I suppose. So here is my tale to you. It�s advice. What you should bring to the castle in which I now live is your humor, your wit, and your patience. I am slowly realizing that the environment here will not be as fast paced as that of your land of plenty. We will show you good times, but I doubt it will be anything similar to what you were experiencing in the warm sun of San Diego. I look forward to your arrival. Hurry soon. bra2002 -- Why Kevin, I shall grant you three things for this Christmas. The first is some sort of superpower that you can choose. Turing yourself to water, metal, or Fire. (why? Cause wouldn�t that just be cool) Second is a Ninja Dentist. (Now that would be awesome) And Finally I will grant you the power to change the political power in any state accept Utah. Those goofy Mormons can stay conservative. cookie-bitch -- Cookie�it�s been 22 days�what�s up? Okay, well anyway to you I will give a popcorn tin of naught underwear from a store of your choosing. And I will even empty the popcorn out first. Crapstein -- Well for some reason I want to give you a bucket of oranges. I am not sure why. It was either a bucket of oranges or your own clothing line. But what would you do with your owns personal clothing line. Oranges are food man; and food can be eaten. cutie1083 -- Cutie, you get to star in your own personal Freaky Friday, where in real life you and your mother switch places and you two can see eye to eye, and then hug. The problem of course is that you will probably end up making out with your dad. But at least when it�s all over your Mom will understand you better, and you would have understand how lucky you are to be a kid. And you dad may still want to make out with you. datchery -- Datchery I am giving you a Stuffed Goat. dinguspie -- Well normally we don�t give gifts, cause you are a poor motherfucker. But this year is different. See I was reading about this �Gift of the Magi� thing in this book, and they were poor mutherfuckers too. So here is the plan, you sell your pubic hair, and I will sell my anal virginity. Then I will use the money to get you a cock ring, while you can get me a male hooker. We�ll cry for hours. Hours of love. drunklazy -- I will get you a new Prime Minister. A drunker one, who likes war less. And gives out acid to the poor, so that they �think� they have better lives. ebm -- Hello then. You are the newest to the list, and there for the one I know the least about. Hence I will get you a gift certificate. I will get you one to the CN Tower in Toronto so you can get one of those statues, and then put it on your desk and tell people you meet that this is the �worst gift ever.� elliorange -- Well it seems that right now, it�s school that you want to be over, so I think I would buy you 1) your books/supplies for next semester 2) One �get a �A� on a final without taking it� card, and 3) A nice big warm fluffy blanket � cause everyone needs a comfy blanket when snuggling. emiline220 -- This one is too easy, cause this poor girl needs furniture. I don�t think you ever really know how much you miss furniture until you don�t have it. It�s like your kidney in that way. So anyway; 10,000 dollars to ethan allen for you. That should get like a small table or something. gwensworld -- She�s not reading this cause she�s on a plane for like a year or something so I am going to say that she can have a tall slutty boy to ravage. That�s a nice thing to see under the tree. heyjude85 -- Oh my, Jude, for you I present a lifetime supply of plane tickets to Edinburgh. If I spelled that wrong I am talking Scotland. Scotland, Tennessee. horngoddess -- You get a chocolate horse that can fly three times a year. htmlclinic -- This is the site where you get HTML Help. So I will give it this Help? and of course�the gift of a robot. iamfalling -- A net�just kidding. A trampoline�again joking. I will give her lips as red as rose, a voice as clear as a nightingale, and if she should prick her finger on a spinning wheel she will not die, but sleep until loves first kiss. Or if some homeless guy shakes her a lot. Jessforyou -- Jess, I will give you the hottest outfit you could ever hope for to make all your ex-boys drop dead when they see how good you look. Merry Christmas. joeparadox -- Danellie. Besides a pair of Clay Aikens underwear for you to sniff in return, I will give you backstage access to him and his show. He can show you his best moves when you are backstage. kaybiff -- Why Dear Biffy, you need both Moontan lotion and more importantly you need a visit from Dr. Cube to come and whisk you away to the wonderful land of Tokyo, for one week, and then you can return with whatever you found you desired, and you can speak perfect japanesse. Kerbang -- I�ll buy you a mug. kittybukkake -- What do you get the girl who has everything?!? A curse�that bitch. You best believe that if you have everything someone�s turning you into a frog, or putting you in a tower or something of that nature. lealoo -- Well I hate to do this but as a birthday/Christmas combo I will allow you never to get a birthday Christmas combo again. It�s a strange gift, but it will keep on giving. People will now treat your birthday and Christmas as if they were 6 months apart. As a secondary gift, I will allow you to install shockers in every seat on the bus, cause God knows I bet there have been times. liquidhuman -- Besides a book with lots of sex in it, a huge backyard for your new puppy, and people to pinch you everytime you stand up. They will also stick around for when you pass out. living-lulu -- In honor of your thanksgiving wishes, I hope that you, in fact, keep getting carded at bars, continue to get paid way too much for doing nothing, and have sweet smelling pee everytime you orgasm. I think I got one of those wrong, but I bet you still take it. lobsterchick --Lobster, I present you with the following gift. Since I sometimes don�t exactly understand what you are looking for as far as guys, jobs, sex, and the like I will give you this. I give to you the luck and talent that you will need to get that book you wrote publishes, and not only that, but that it become a platform to springboard your career. I am still impressed with the amount you accomplished last month. lollipoprock -- A diamond crusted dildo, with the man of your choice supplying the �leg work�. loriebug -- First, that the song �Santa Baby� be outlawed only during the winter season. Second, that everyone know your name, and thus you never need to wear a name tag again. And finally, a beautiful new home for you to move into right after Christmas, big enough for a family, but not too big so you get lost. Merry Christmas. mindquill -- First, to become the dictator of Kansas so you can get their head on straight. Second, a better babysitter. And third a polar bear that lives in a swimming pool in your back yard. misspinkkate -- That NYU gives you the answers to the dream you have. Mondocurio-- I was thinking some sort of elobrate bicycle thing that your dogs could ride around in with you, but then I realized that was dumb. So instead I will give you a new job, far, far away from your nut house and close to your real house. nofat-chicks -- I three foot pole that you are allowed to hit stupid people with legally. No one can stop you. If they are being dumb, WHAP!!!. No repercussions. peytonsplace -- I was thinking Legolas, in his whole getup, coming over to your house once a week to rub down your back and clean your house. He could use his elvish eyes to get all the spots you can�t see. He will wear only an apron, that says �Merry Christmas, from Gump� procrasto -- Continued happiness in what ever it is you have now discovered. reviewgump -- More time to do that which I mean to do. roklobster -- More parties, less work, and neverending glass of mixed run drinks. I think that sounds great� don�t you? sarika -- For the British Lass, I hope that her poetry gives her peace, and I will give her a American staple. I will give her a handgun. That way she can take over England, since I understand the Cops don�t even have them over there. scanzilla -- A wet and wild team of sexy, large chested, silicone enhanced Robots, to seduce Mr. T so that you can come back. scottwinters -- I will only give excuses. Bad excuses. spiraloutxx -- I will give her bottles of milk, Flutes, chains, a small llama, a wild dog, and hat that says, �If you�re not the Capt. You�re getting a Slappin� stinkycookie -- I hope that her cookie smells better, and that he sons recover to better than perfect health. stomper4x4 -- I really think she would enjoy a fishing trip with Clay Aiken. Have him all out in that boat, with all that fishing wire. He could even wear that school-boy blazer, and since love songs to you. I will also make sure he doesn�t know how to swim. unclepumpkin -- I�m getting you some weights so that you can work out�fatty. And a mug that says, �Whose Robin Graves?!� vickiediablo -- I am not sure what to get you Vikers. I mean, you have pretty much everything I could think of. So maybe I will just give you more hot girls that swing the bat in your direction. They can be of a size and shape of your choosing. Wllybere -- I would love to give you lots of notes and attention, but you seem to be around less. I hope you can remain grounded and have a happy and wonderful Christmas. It�s completely possible that you aren�t happy, but I really hope you are. Anyway Wllybere, since I understand you don�t hurt for money, I will get you another feline friend to keep you company. zoolegs -- And last, but not least; I will get you a pair of real legs�made of wood and newspaper. Then I will come visit you and your feline again. You know I am all about the pussy. But I hope that you have a wonderful hoiliday and get that job you were looking for. That and a giant banana that doesn�t look like a banana, but really looks like a peapod, but you know that it�s really a banana. Okay then folks, if I forgot anything let me know. Also I am doing Christmas Cards this weekend, so email your address if you want one, and I will see what I can do. If you get an e-card it�s cause I got lazy�or drunk. Either way, I�ll be happy. Merry Christmas�what are you getting me?! | |||||||||||
