2005-07-22 - 10:23 p.m. This is an Entry about Gumphood, hence, boring. I apologize, but this is a long unfunny entry that is whiny. Hey, its diaryland, I�m allowed. From there I started to let my humor come through. Then I allowed people I know to read my diary and I was happy with this, but in the end, it was an interesting decision that I made. The reason why its interesting is I am no longer allowed to specifically and objectively speak about myself. Let me take for example the following statement. --I can hit any shot on the table � This statement was made in reference to my ability as a beer pong player. This is because I know that when I concentrate and when I focus, I am virtually unbeatable. However, after I made this statement, a la Pedro, I am haunted with it as I play the game and it reminds me of something I don�t want to be. Cocky. I dislike the arrogance of the cocky, and despite my abilities and skills, I never really want to be recognized for them. I just enjoy having them. But I was drunk and I was asked �How good are you?� and I answered that I could �hit any shot on the table.� Which I actually should have said �If I need to I can hit any cup.� Need to. Something that is completely not measurable. �Clutch� What I mean is �if I care to, I can win.� Which sounds like �The game bores me, its mundane and I only win when I want� and the reality of that is when Michael Jordan shot his free throws with his eye shut as a challenge. I am not Michael Jordan. I am Robert Horry. The difference being that Robert Horry cannot play a consistently good game, but when the shot matters, he hits it. I don�t enjoy talking about this, but I am doing it because I am avoiding other things. I can�t describe the feeling, but sometimes things change and I am focused and I can just place the ball in the cup, or in the basket, or in the net. But I don�t control it. The situation controls it. It was demanded of me to �make this next shot� and I couldn�t. Why? Because I didn�t need to. It didn�t matter. In fact not hitting the shot was better for me because then maybe the chants would end. But I played in a Beer Pong Tournament last weekend against big time players. People who play in bars, played in college, and teammates that play every night. I hadn�t played in 3 months, and I was unstoppable. They lost, I won. The only game I sucked at was the finals. (ironic?) it was double elimination, and it didn�t matter if I won. I had a back up game. What am I? Jesus? Supernatural? The best player ever? No. But when it mattered, I won, and I won money, and I was feared. Enough about that. I am writing a lot lately. Not here. I have a job writing. But see that sentence above? Do you see a problem with it? I write in either short sentences, or long run on sentences. I have no point and no direction. I can�t use commas, I can�t use syntax, and I can�t spell. My best ability is observation. I�m a math guy. What does this add up to? I can�t write. Yes, it�s true. I don�t know how to. I went to school for math and economics. I got a grad degree in it. I don�t know how to write, and that�s a fact. I also write here. It�s a book that I have started. Gay? Maybe. It�s a story I have always wanted to tell. Its in my head but I have so little confidence in my structure and my ability to write that I fear writing it and I am so afraid that it will be horrible, not because of the ideas, but the structure. Things ring out in my memory. A conversation I had with someone in publishing that said �if you don�t know grammar, if you can�t spell, and if you don�t have structure you will never be published. They won�t even read your book.� Then from a friend who stated �most good writers are good at structure, grammar and spelling because they understand language, and you can�t be a good writer unless you understand language.� I�ve got so many ideas. But I don�t have the ability to follow up on them. I read a lot about failure. I love studying the people that failed and not the people who succeeded. There is very little written about the great failures of our world. In what I have looked at, people fail for four reasons. 1) They fail despite themselves. Examples of this could be �My So called Life, Futurerama, or Family Guy� Shows which were good and liked but unlucky. Most the time someone with a good idea just don�t get the break. 3) They fail due to stubbornness. Look at American Car makers, look at Fiona Apple who won�t release a single for Epic, so Epic refuses to release her new CD. Sometimes this isn�t �failure� but its just pride. But nevertheless it prevents ideas from being released. 4) They fail because the idea is not understood. Look at Larry David. His first stand up was so poorly received. He walked up and said �I never would want to be a Spanish Drug Lord. I wouldn�t want this because I wouldn�t want to deal with knowing when to use the �usted� form with my employee�s.� Seinfeld was almost canceled. And it wasn�t like number �1�. It wasn�t a bad break, its just the humor scared people. Much like Aqua Teen Hunger Force, which humor is downright offensive at times. I feel I fail on two levels. The first is I lack talent. The second is because I don�t think what I am talking about is always understood. I would like to make a short list of ideas that I have had. 1) I want to study Traffic. There is an intersection where Rt 93 meets Rt 95 North of Boston which always backs up. There are four lanes. Lane 1 is the lane closest to the exit. Lane 2 is the lane people ride in where a percentage of them cut over to the exit. Lane 3 is the key lane. After the people in Lane 2 get into lane 1, Lane 2 is the fastest. The problem occurs when the slow drivers, normally in lane one, cut into lane 3. They drive slow. The third lane, which is normally reserved for fast drivers who don�t want go super fast get clogged up, forcing them into the fast lane, which is jammed packed. In the end, lane 1 ends up being faster up until the last � mile. Lane 2 then is the fastest. Lane 4, ironically the fastest lane, ends up being the slowest. I want to study this. 2) I want to write a story about a super anti hero. Not a villain, but a story that�s tongue and cheek to all the superhero movies today. The story is based on a survey I saw where when polled with the question �What would you do if you had a superpower� only 5% of people said �fight crime.� I want to write a story about the other 95%. This entry is already too long. But it�s my diary and I don�t like to talk about me and talk about how unsatisfied I am with myself. I feel like I am a joke, and that the only thing I will ever be mildly good at is beer pong. I loathe loathing myself. But this is my flickr account, so hurrah to those of you who read this junk. | |||||||||||
