2005-01-19 - 2:06 p.m.

How to Fix the NHL

The National Hockey League is a Sham.

Listen, it�s so bad that you might stop reading this right now for how NOT interested you are in the NHL and hockey.

But remember, it�s not that long ago that the entire US of A was captivated as we beat the Russians in Hockey so at least it means something right?

Okay, so bear with me, but first lets look at the problems, and then we will fix them, because right now the league smells like shit so bad a dog wouldn�t sniff it.

Problems with Hockey

1) The players aren�t likable and this lockout would make us hate them more if we actually cared, which we don�t.
2) The game confuses people.
3) We can�t get behind the teams.
4) Canada is in the NHL and people don�t understand it.
5) Booooooring.

There are a lot more, but lets address there five in this entry.

1) The players are not likeable. The way to solve this is continue the lockout, accept to players who join a new union under news laws. Listen, the NHL is done. People who come to games know 1 or 2 people at most on their own team. Get new kids in there and make the game a little scrappier.

The new union should mold itself like follows � Lookout for both the player and the image of the players. The idea is that if you have likeable players -- it makes more fans like the game, so literally create harsher punishment for those awful players and have them lose salary rights and such.

Listen if you want to smack up your wife and then expect a salary raise, the truth is you should be in jail and be thankful that you are being allowed to play. I would have an investigation and if found guilty then drop that player to the league minimum retroactively.

Plus, have the owners pimp out the players. The owners OWN the players. You are a SLAVE. For 13 million a year, you can show up and do public service when you are told.

2) The game is slightly confusing with men running on and off the ice, as well as there weird rules. First of all, hockey should have minimal rules, because it�s a pretty natural game. Have the rules make sense.

A) Two line pass. It�s dumb. Gone.
B) Hooking, Spearing, tripping, all changed to �don�t hit someone with your stick� penalty.
C) Fighting is pretty clear cut. You both got at it, five minutes. One guy just mugs the other one, just he goes away. They got this right.
D) The crease rule is good. It makes for exciting replays.
E) Offsides and icing � makes sense and why we don�t need two lines.
F) Line Changes � This is good, but I think the jerseys should be different colors in a spot depending on what line you are on. That way fans know, and they can cheer when the bad 4th liners defeat the skilled first line. Plus this would add to jersey sales.

3) We can�t get behind the teams. It true. The teams are pretty weak. The Coyotes? The Capitals? The Oilers? If you are going to do it right, get real names. I know that they want to infuse the teams with a sense of community and historic pride, but listen, the UConn Huskies don�t have anything to do with the origin or the breeding of Huskies, and people love that team. It�s because they win. Get a name that the fans can get behind.

Why is there no professional team call the Spiders? Those are scary creatures. I think that the Richmond team is called the spiders, and the fans make a hand clawing motion. That�s what we need. What do the oiler fans do? Pretend to Drill?

There are some that should never change, like the Bruins, Red Wings, Canadians, Leafs, Blackhawks, and the Rangers � but listen, the Blue Jackets is a terrible name.

And get some good colors. Vomiting Cod is right, ever since The San Jose Sharks put teal in their team color, teal is the new black. No, teal is the old teal, which is the new crap. Grow some nuts and design a good uniform. The most interesting part of having a franchise is marketing it, so why do so many owners suck at it?

I will never know.

4) Canada should have, listen, MORE, not LESS teams. People in American don�t realize how much Canadians love hockey. Listen, it�s the exact same reason the Expos should have been in Puerto Rico over Montreal. If the league worked together teams like that could still exist, have a rabid fan base and everyone is happy.

Also I think we should have a Mexico City NHL team called the Mexico City Burrows and tickets should be dirt cheap, and they should pack the stadium with 150,000 thousand fans a night. It would be amazing.

Imagine all those drunk Mexicans cheering on their Hockey team with the opposite team just fearing for their life. Talk about home field advantage.

5) I know its boring, but lets face it, if the pro teams actually had a salary cap, and at the same time the owners had a profit cap, where if they made about a certain profit margin they had to reinvest it in the club like fan amenities, it could be a lot more fun.

Listen, Racing Zambonies? Like have mini ones, like go-carts. How could this go poorly? Pick fans out of the crowd. It would rule.

And why don�t stadiums have full bars? Just charge more? They could have the best theme drinks ever. I just think that having a Long Island Ice Tea while watching the Islanders losing to the Minnesota Spiders could be a blast!

I don�t think the NHL will learn, and I hope that it dissolves and something else better comes back, because tickets for a Bruins game start at 35 dollars. No thanks. I�ll save my money for when going to a game is fun.

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