2003-12-02 - 4:38 p.m. Hurt her just a little more I have this reoccurring day dream in which I get to dump my second girlfriend in different ways. It�s inspired by several things I imagine. It was a pretty horrific breakup, and never really gotten better from that point, and the fact that she got �the last word in� and dumped me. For the last month of our relationship we were playing hot potato with who would dump who. Despite the fact that we broke up, we still hooked up for nearly two months afterwards. When we did break up, I tried to talk her out of it, but scaring her of the change in her life it will cause. I wanted her to love me out of fear. I wasn�t really in a good place. I was in a worse place after that. I did some crazy things; things that scared people. But it wasn�t like I was crazy. I was just doing crazy things. I can�t even mention them because they were just too crazy. Sufficient to say, my parents thought that I was going to hurt myself. Listen: I have run into my fair share of walls, but I am not going to hurt myself in THAT way. It was just what I was observing and the timing. It was the end of high school and I have always felt that period was like a crumbling of reality. Did I break down. Certainly. Did I regret things I did. Even more certainly. My largest fears were amplified during that period, and as any of my friend could tell you; it�s not easy to get under my skin. Not much bothers me and the things that do bother me are so strange that they rarely happen. But I am going to tell you what it usually revolves around. When something I planned falls apart is when I fall apart. And I am a planner. I am a schemer. I have this beautifully elaborate plans everyday of my life, and I account for so much and see so much that almost none of my plans disassemble. But oh my God; when they do� it�s curtains. These things have been as simple as someone drinking all the coke, to me being dumped near the end of school. However, I am a vengeful person, and I think my next entry will detail my vengeance. I have plans that stretch over years and years to hurt people. My friends understand that this case, and don�t often directly wrong me, due to my vindictive nature. I scare them out of plotting against me. I scare them, because I fear that they will. I have come recently to realize that they won�t, and that has given me a new air of happiness. Trusting another person is about that hardest thing I could ever hope to do. It means a lot to me when they come through time and time again. Right now I have only three people left that I am plotting against. Two old, one new. And as for my Ex-girlfriend who dumped me, we aren�t even close to being friends, thought I suspect we never really were, since she is one of the only people I fought with. And the fact that I wish I could just go back and dump her. Or do something to hurt her just a little more. | |||||||||||
