2005-08-09 - 4:32 p.m.

Get a Stamp!

I watched the Movie National Treasure the other night. Not that bad, not that good.

The biggest problem came from one actor who just mailed it in.

His name is Jon Voight.

Get a stamp, because Johnny�s mailing it in.

Seriously, I would like to reenact the conversation they had when they signed him.

Studio Flunky : Mr Voight we�d like to sign you onto a movie that we are doing.
Johnny V : Fine, I�ll do it.
Studio Flunky : Don�t you want to know about the movie first? I could send you over a script and we think it�s a strong role.
Johnny V : I don�t care. You just have to meet my demands.
Studio Flunky : Demands?
Johnny V : Yes man, keep up. There are a few simple demands for me doing a movie now. I don�t care if I have to kiss a man or ride an imaginary gay horse. I was in deliverance and this crap doesn�t shake me up.
Studio Flunky : Well, I wasn�t planning on negotiating over the phone but�
Johnny V : Good man. First. I only do one take. No exceptions. I don�t care if the boommike guy has a heart attack and knocks me out with damn sound stick. One take. If that take sucks, cut if from the movie.
Studio Flunky : That seems�a little �
Johnny V : Dammit man, I�m a professional. One take.
Studio Flunky : Is that the only demand?
Johnny V : No. God no. I also must never know my lines. I will only read them off cue cards or better have them whispered into my ear. Via Satellite.
Studio Flunky : You don�t want to even see the lines?
Johnny V : Dammit, I�m not ever going to see the movie. I don�t want to know what its about or what I am doing.
Studio Flunky : But its important to the story that �
Johnny V : You�ve casts me as a bumbling oaf. If you haven�t rewrite it. If you can�t rewrite it, go get Sean Connery.
Studio Flunky : We aren�t getting Sean Connery. He�s been dead for 8 years now.
Johnny V : Well I�m a walking corpse! Have you seen Karate Dog? I was in Karate Dog! I didn�t even get paid for that. I�m going to die any day now. I just do these shitty jobs for the goddamn giggles. One take, no lines. That is the arrangement.
Studio Flunky : No Money?
Johnny V : You have to pay me with Kraft Services.
Studio Flunky : I think we have a deal Mr. Voight.

Then they just trick him into thinking it�s a new scene if the take sucks. I swear to god he had the same line �its just another CLUE!� though the whole movie, and most of those lines were delivered off camera.

Does a man that has sex with this girl really look like he cares what movie he�s in?

He hasn�t cared since �The Champ.�

He basically realized at one point that he got paid the same or more for doing SHITTY movies, as he would get paid for doing GOOD movies.

When we talk about careers �Jumping the Shark�, I look to Jon Voight. Nominated for three Oscars, he suddenly accepts any deal imaginable for no good reason.

Then in the movie, he MAILS IT IN! I mean the look on his face the whole time is �Jesus this is easy.� With that half smile thinking that he�s going to pop a Viagra and have sex with two twenty year olds in about 30 minutes in his trailer.

He used to make sense. Now look at his ACTUAL quote about �Midnight Cowboy�

"In most ways it was a damn good picture. But if we remade Midnight Cowboy (1969) today, the whole relationship between Buck and Ratso would have to be sexualized or at least made, you know, like in love...to be sexually or erotically honest."

What? The new movie would have to be a gay movie? Jon Voight, you done gone crazy.

________________________________

1. SuperBabies: Baby Geniuses 2 (2004) .... Bill Biscane/Kane <-- Named one of the worst movies of all time on IMDB, and the ONLY returning cast member I believe.

2. The Karate Dog (2004) .... Hamilton Cage <--Nuff Said.

3. Holes (2003) .... Mr. Sir <-- We all saw this P.O.S. He might say that he's doing kids movies for his children, but his child is efing Billy Bob on the Red Carpet, and He's effing a girl half Angelina's age.

4. Jasper, Texas (2003) (TV) .... Billy Rowles <-- He didn�t even star as Texas Jasper!!!! Did Walker Texas Ranger not call?

5. Second String (2002) (TV) .... Coach Dichter -- TV movies? What was this on lifetime?

6. Uprising (2001) (TV) .... Maj. Gen. Jurgen Stroop � He was Asian in this one. Anyone wanna guess how Asian his accent was.

7. Jack and the Beanstalk: The Real Story (2001) (TV) � Jesus Christ. �the real story?�

8. Zoolander (2001) .... Larry Zoolander � Funny, but only because he didn�t care what was going on.

9. Lara Croft: Tomb Raider (2001) Mailed it in.

10. Pearl Harbor (2001) .... As FDR -- He got to roll around in a Wheelchair while actual voiceovers were used in a awful movie. Tough day at the office

11. The Prince and the Surfer (1999) < -- I saw this. It made sucking noises in the VCR.

12. A Dog of Flanders (1999)<-- This was the Canine Moll Flanders. Also set up his award winning roll in Karate Dog.

Karate God Damn Dog.

13. Anaconda (1997) .... Paul Sarone <-- The film that brought out the camp in Campy. Jon Voight and Ice Cube, the most awkward coupling since Anthony Hopkins and Chris Rock

before - After

23 comments so far