2004-07-23 - 10:18 a.m. Goodbye D.C. It�s been over five days since the last time anyone saw you. It�s sad that I held on for this long, but I really have to let go. I know you are gone now. When I first learned of this, I went to the edge of the porch and rattled your treats that you would always come back for. That�s when I first knew you weren�t coming back, because I didn�t see you bounding through the woods to come back home. You were my last pet. The four before you were never really mine as much as you were. The puppies, and the two other cats were friendly with me, but they were not like you. I will never forget about you. You never forgot about me. I can remember the first time we found you in the local pound and you and your brother had just been separated for probably the first time. I wonder if you remembered him at all, or missed him in some sort of familial way. Still when I picked you up, I was old enough to understand that you were sad and you were scared. You meowed the whole way home and my grandfather, who now has also left us, wanted to call you squeakers. I thought it was a horrible name, but I was never good at names. Through my middle school and high school years, you slept on my bed every night almost without fail. You used to lie on my chest and kneed into my skin gently enough so I could stand it. You purr was hypnotic. I wish I could see you again so that I could get out the long blue sticks that you would play with like if you were a kitten again. I am happy that not too soon before you left us I was able to play with you that last time on the rug in the family room. You are gone now, and have left us forever. Whether you found a home with a stranger or wander too far into the wilds of the woods you are gone and how is that different than dead? After I left for college you continued to sleep on my bed my parents told me. I hope you didn�t feel like you had lost me, but I know there must have been sadness. You were so happy whenever I came home that you almost never left my side. Then once I moved back, you continued to be happy and started sleeping on my bed again. Sometimes you would do this right next to my head where you would reach out your paws and press them against my face. Once I moved out for good, I think you knew that things were different, and I think the loneliness got to you because you started sleeping with my parents. If I had a place of my own, with a yard for you to play in, I would have taken you with me. My mother cried a lot when you left us because she loved you oh so much. My father feels guilty, because he let you out for the last time. I am sorry we didn�t see each other before you left. It makes me so sad sometimes to think about not seeing you again that my sadness turns to anger, which is ever so rare for me. I am going home this weekend because I need to find you. I will look through the woods for you, and your moonlighting locations, the trees you rubbed against and the places you used to visit during your days. I know this because I used to watch you when you didn�t know I was looking. I know your wiles and I will find you. I will go deeper into the woods like that time you followed me and got lost, and needed to be near me to find your way back. I will look for you not because I think I will find you, but because my heart can�t let go and I know that I need to try to find you. It is all I can do, and I have nothing else to give you now. Our pets give us so much unconditional love that it�s shocking we think we are worthy of keeping them around us considering our natural self-indulgence. I loved you so much that the only thing I can do now is remember you, because in my life I don�t think I will ever have a pet that will have a bigger impact on my happiness. You are a part of my childhood, my maturing, and my adult life that no other creature could take your place. When we die, we have a family and a minor legacy we leave behind as our mark on the world, but all our pets have is our memories. The best I can do is never forget her. | |||||||||||
