2005-11-09 - 11:38 a.m.

Girls/Guys: Women at their worst

Warning: this will get a tad tasteless at the end

I was on the train this morning and a saw a woman at a low moment. I think that both women and men have these extremely masculine or feminine moments that are just completely repugnant to the other sex. I haven�t thought about it enough but I imagine that it probably is like when men are extremely violent and self destructive. I�m talking about the angry drunk, the drag racing, the riding around town looking for someone to beat up, the torture of innocent animals -- the dark side of testosterone induced pumping masculinity.

Now, I understand that sometime that can be exciting for some women, but I just don�t think under turn-ons many people list �gets drunks and beats up kids� or �burns dog with a hot poker�

Well for women it�s the other end of the spectrum.

I saw a woman on the train reading a book that was called something to the effect of �Spiritual Healing� or �Healing the Soul� or �Chicken Soup for the Soul.�

The cover had this obviously kooky guy on it who looked like a hippie from the actual day of Woodstock. He was wearing a sweater thing with a collar shirt underneath and had these thick thick glasses and really wild part gray part black beard. This is only important to realize that the guy looked like a 10th grade science teacher, and hence lost some credibility in my book.

In fact, only if the book opened with �I look like a 10th Grade Science teacher� would I really start paying attention. The first step is self discovery.

Anyway, it reminded me of this girl I knew, who was the purest more concentrated form of a NON self-confident girl in the world. In other words she was a wreck. A guy with no self confidence is an asshole. A girl with no self confidence is a wreck.

She told me a story from Chicken Soup for the Soul once. We talked a lot about souls.

Please forgive me if I don�t get this exactly right�

Anyway, the story is about a girl who wants a puppy. Now this girl goes to this pet store and take a look at all the best puppies, and sees this one in the corner that has only three legs. She picks that puppy up and plays with it a bit. She can�t afford and of the regular puppies, and so she asks the store owner if she can buy this puppy. The store owner tells her that she doesn�t want that puppy because it can�t run and play with all the kids and won�t be a fun puppy to play with.

And she said that it doesn�t matter. That�s when she picks up her pantleg to reveal her fake leg, and says �I can�t run or play with the kids either, so I want this puppy.� And it ends with the person reading bawling. � thinking �SHE WANTS THE PUPPY BECAUSE ITS HURT LIKE HER!�

I was there people. I *may* have shed a tear. It *might*have happened.

Anyway.

That�s sad. It�s supposed to be sad. It enriches the �soul�.

But this woman on the train was a bigger woman, and she was stuffed in this tiny seat, and wearing a suit for work and her makeup was running and she was just crying and crying at this book about spiritual cleansing. It was awful.

My point is this. If you are going to read those books, don�t do it on the train. That women was going into work and was going to look pathetic. Red Puffy eyes, ruined makeup, disheveled hair, and overall just a wreck that would make anyone run away.

And its sad, because she probably wants the respect of her co-workers and the people around her, but crying over a book right before you walk into work isn�t going to help. Its still a male workplace and respect is still earned in masculine terms.

I�m not saying its right, I�m saying that its true.

And just like how I shouldn�t watch fight club before going on an interview, women should stay away from reading heavy tear jerking books before going into work.

Those books are meant to be read in your PJ�s with a half gallon of ice cream in your bed.

I think I am going to write a book called �Clam Chowda for the Soul� which will be the advice men give women to feel better. It will obviously be a comedy book and meant to be read in a strict Boston Accent.

Examples:

Advice to a mother who lost her child.
�Buck up hun, you can always have another one and who doesn�t like a good shag.�

Advice to a child who�s dog has died.
�Don�t worry. Its gonna be a lot harder when your mom dies.�

Advice to a buddy who�s just broken up with his girlfriend.
�Dude, she was a whore. Totally. You need better. I mean, she wasn�t even a good fuck. Both me and Timmy agree on that one. Good head; bad fuck. You deserve better.�

Advice to a woman who just had a miscarriage
�At least you don�t need to pay for an abortion now!�

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Question: When are Men at their worst, in your opinion?

before - After

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