2004-02-23 - 1:01 p.m.

May new forsaken's be forgot.

Well I have decided to go back and look at how �it� all began. Of course, the �it� is this diary. So I took my first entry and I am going to talk about it and tell you what I think.

As you may have noticed I have been updating less, and there are several reasons for this, none of which I am going to get into.

My only problem, I feel, is both a decrease in quantity AND quality. Well I guess we will see.

So when I first discovered diaryland it was through my days of traversing the internet for strange and wonderful things. I found it. And I read a diary, sadly, which I can�t recall. I put diaryland on my favorite�s list and waited�a week went by, and then two weeks.

I finally opened it when I was really bored on the most evil of days, a Tuesday, right before work was ending. I signed up, and posted an entry that no one read.

I find that fact delicious.

Here we go�

4/8/03

I was concerned with the dating�until I realized it automatically dated it. That�s life. At least a part of life.

Interesting.

This is totally my true voice. That moment was really strange because it was me writing the word interesting, because I found this interesting, and then I thought the decision to write that word was interesting�I don�t expect anyone to understand, but then again, no one read this entry.

My first entry. I guess I should state what I hope to do.

Again, this is me to a �T�. That is, of course, exactly what I should do�but why would I say that? To tell the reader? Maybe. I find it particularly exciting that I didn�t talk about feelings in the least.

-catalog memories

My intention, and something I have fallen short of. I always wished that this was more of a collection of my direct experiences, more than of my abstract thoughts. But god, my diary would be as boring as church on Sunday if I did it that way.

-avoid cliche's

I have a tendency to write things like �don�t take a gift horse to water� or things like that. I wanted to avoid talking about things that are just plain and dull. I did that though, but I tried in an interesting way.

I think it�s just human nature. We are only interested in about 5 things total in our lives. I highly doubt that any of you could come up with more than five things you are really concerned about. Now you might pick things like �my mom, my dad, my friends� but that�s just one thing. You care about people.

I actually think that there are only three, but I am not bold enough to make that statement with any conviction.

-learn to spell

Failed that goal.

-avoid becoming melodramatic.

I will tell you a secrete. I spelled that wrong on purpose, and then went back and fixed it later. Isn�t that interesting? I regretted it.

Of course, I failed that goal as well because my diary is, at times, melodramatic. A little too much at points. Don�t worry. I plan to undo all that I have done.

-try to daily update

Well, minus the weekends�Close to 500 in a year. That�s more than 365, so I am happy.

-Influence someone; even if it me.

This was lame. Who am I going to influence�and with what. This is something that we as humans care about. We care about our effect on others�our personal ripple. AS you can see this mattered to me too.

What I hope to explore, occasionally, is why. Why did that matter to me? I think that�s an interesting question.

Today work is ending and that makes me happy. 15 minutes left. This time of day is like Christmas Eve.

Right now it�s lunchtime and I am sad. I feel like I have not done enough with this diary to make it worthwhile. I also know I get notes to cheer up, etc� but though that helps, it�s not the point.

The point is that I have so many memories, and so many stories that I can remember, but I can muster the strength, or the courage to expunge them.

I want to talk about things I see in others. I want to talk about the peculiar nature of the interactions of people and �.

Listen, I think things, and I see things, and then they tend to be right. But often it goes against what people believe.

What does that mean?

If I can explain something, and it�s right, but I am told the hypothesis is wrong�what does that mean?

I have been told my whole life that I see things differently. I have been told by my friends, parents, girlfriends, teachers, mentors, and strangers that I see the world differently. I arrive at the same point most the time, but no one can see how sometimes.

I am broken, but somehow the pieces fell together to create something unique. Or is that what I need to believe?

Ah. That�s the trick which sounds like madness. My frame of reference is too narrow to understand my own frame of reference.

It starts with me. It goes to you.

I don�t want to believe.

It�s too soon for me to say, but I don�t want to believe in this system anymore.

I sound crazy.

New goal

-- Don�t sound freaking crazy.

When I wrote my first entry I didn�t think about who would read it, except for myself. I thought about what I would think about myself when I would look back and read it. Would I like it? How would it make me feel? How would I react? Did I think that I would be cooler now or then? What if I was happier then? Would I still have the same blue template? Would anyone read? Would my friends care? If they read how could I be honest? How could I scare them away? How could I build my wall? How could I block them out? Careful gump�use another name�don�t say to much�don�t give too much away. Don�t say anything�you can thwart them�but you have to be careful. You have to understand them. Why are you writing this?

Why are you reading this?

before - After

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