2004-04-13 - 1:18 a.m. The Clerk and the Chaos If you know or don't I went into to college to try and be a writer. I switched to math and economics. However freshman year I took a writing course. I stupidly took an advanced course with upperclassman, making me the only freshman. The class had us write 10 short stories and occasionally read them in front of class. The following story I wrote at 3:00 AM completly drunk after watching pulp fiction and drinking half a bottle of tequilla. When you are reading this please picture me hungover, and being the kid randomly selected to read his story in front of a room full of upperclassman. OUTLOUD. To make matters worse, I followed up a woman who just wrote about a miscarrage. Have fun.... The Clerk and the Chaos By Gumphood �You gotta be shitting me,� Nick said with anger and disbelief, �You just let that damn twelve year old buy a pack!� The beef jerky jumped out of the container as Nick slammed his fist against the counter. �His ID said he was twenty three,� the clerk replied in a cool calm voice, rearranging the jerky. I�ve had enough of these outbursts to last me a lifetime, the clerk though to himself �That fucking kid rode his bike here. He fucking went trick or treating at my house last week. He went as a Mighty Morphen Power Ranger,� Nick said with disdain, as he shot back his slush puppy in one large gulp. �I�m sure many twenty three year olds go trick or treating.� �You know what, they don�t, and you are a piece of dumb shit.� �Now that�s a comment from an immature man.� �Tomorrow is my fucking eighteenth birthday, you are fucking eighteen yourself. That kid was four feet tall.� �Don�t mock people�s height problem.� �I babysat for him� �I have a hard time imagining you babysitting a twenty three old man. �HE�S FUCKING TWELVE!!!! YOU PIECE OF SHIT, YOU PIECE OF DRIED UP SHIT.� At this point Nick had it up to his head with these people who plagued him every day, the people who don�t feed his addiction. He thought to himself how this clerk in front of him was totally devoid of intelligence or personality; A mindless automaton. Right before he was able to lash out in violent anger the puppy caught him. The blood rushed to his brain, shocking his system. �Fuck, goddamn slush puppy. Why do �.they�hurt so �.fuckin �much..Dammit?� �I �hink it�s �cause �der so �damn cowld,� the customer who just arrived commented. He had come in for Twinkies, but was the type to be nosy, so he eagerly joined in the conversation. It could be said that Joseph was addicted to finding out other people�s business. �Who�..FUCK THIS HURTS!� Nick screamed grabbing his head and clenching his eyes shut �Do you ever stop swearing. Really,� the clerk kindly added. He hoped to himself that maybe this pain would make him leave the store. His language was uncalled for and irritating. He was tired of dealing with this kid �Auuuuughhh!!!! I demand my money back, this slush puppy sucks,� Nick said squeezing his temples with a look of immense pain. He wanted to rip this clerk�s heart out for being so damn useless. �A machine could do your job you bastard. Just give me a pack of cigarettes!!� �As I said before, I cannot sell them to you,� the clerk replied. �Listen to me, if you don�t even understand what I have had to go through today. If you did, you�d sell me all the cigarettes in this room.� �You don�t have that kind of mon�� �IT�S A FIGURE OF SPEECH!!!� �Oh, sorry.� The color came back to Nick�s eyes as he removed his fingers from his head. �Anyway, my day has sucked. It�s the great American Smokeout and every last motherfucker at my school decided to quit. As if that would happen, I mean one day would never change anyone�s life. � Wone day changed m� lif�� �Shut up!! Who the fuck are you anyway?� Nick said in anger towards this Scottish man. �Mi� names Joe�sph, and can I lis�ten �bout de mutherfuckers?� Joseph was immigrant in his late thirties. He was very nosy and the type of person who would always be peering at the neighed from outside his window. He was, unlike Nick, a relatively harmless person. He thought to himself how he was in for a treat today. These two boys were certainly going to make for some gossip when he got home. �Sure, Joseph. Where was I? �Ye were tawlking �bout de mutherfuckers.� �Thanks, you�re a big help,� Nick said sarcastically. �I remember now, it all started at seven thirty this morning when I got up and was late for school. Man, I hate being late for school cause I can�t relax, I gotta have cigarette. Only I�m out, but I didn�t know that yet. �Why?� �I�ll tell you. I began looking through my glove compartment, and then under my seat, then I looked through my bag to see if any fell to the bottom. Then I pulled over so I could check in the back seat and truck. This made me later for school. I was so pissed, I started screaming those stupid profanities you scream when you�re mad like: I�m gonna piss a shit, or I�ll fuck you car, I�ll whip open the gas tank and fuck you. �Like wen ye scream Oh Bloody Hell?� �You know Nick, I really don�t appreciate you swearing so much and keep the graphic details to a minimum,� the clerk said to Nick hoping for some change in dialect. Nick did not comply. �Like that Joe, just like that. So anyway, I am as pissed as a male porcupine in heat. I�m cursing and swearing and I kicked my stupid car. I�m bloody mad Joe, damn bloody mad. Put another dent or two in it, I mean Nissan really built them to last, eh? Anyway, so I get back into my car and drive to school. Of course, by this time there are no spots to park in.� �Kinda of like how you parked your car in that handicapped spot?� The clerk commented with a slight grin. Nick became infuriated at the clerk. He saw him as the most useless of all humans he thought he ever meet. He couldn�t stand being mocked by him. Too bad he�s the only way I can get a pack, Nick thought to himself. The clerk was just as annoyed at Nick because he refused to leave the store, and hadn�t shut up about his stupid cigarettes. �I came here for a quick pack, but I found an anal retentive monkey spank who will sell cigarettes to minors, but only minors with fake I.D.�s. But wait, you�ll change your tune when you hear what happened to me that day.� With that, Nick grabs a beef jerky and holds it as if was a cigarette. He insanely peels it open and puts it to his lips. �Oh sweet nicotine, where is thy taste? � �You are going to have to pay for that,� The clerk said, �And I have a question for you. Why didn�t you quit, since it was the Great American Smokeout?" �Let em �insh de story, laddie.� �Thanks Joe. And to answer you question workin� boy, I hate hypocrites, people who say one thing then do another. I ain�t gonna be no hypocrite. Any ways, when I was parked in the outer lot, I found a lone cigarette in my back pants pocket. It was mangled, so I removed it and place it into the front pocket of my shirt. You never throw away a cigarette, they are too expensive. I saved it, but I never thought it would be so hard to find a cigarette. I thought I would just bum one off my friend that day. The problem was, I was in that state between consciousness and dreamland that I forgot what day it was in the monotony of everyday high school life. I mean Christ, how was I supposed to know that it was The Great American Smokeout. Nick turns to Joseph and grabs him by the shoulders and yells, �Ryan, what do ya mean that you don�t have a light? You smoked since you were six, and now, for the first time in your life you decided to stop!?!?� Joseph was gaping at the event that had just transpired. �I dinna know. I dinna who Ryan es? Stop shaken me!!,� Joseph cried wildly as Nick shaked him back and forth wildly. �Actually Ryan was a bit calmer. Ryan said; Nick, ya gotta stop sometime, and now is my time. And I said; bullshit, you are addicted, now give me a cigarette. The little crack head replied: Hey all I got is a light, so here take my matches, they are all I got left.� �So why didn�t you light your cigarette in you pocket?� The clerk replied, �that would be the next logical step correct. I mean that is why you got the cigarette isn�t. You get them to smoke them right.� �Cause it sucked�I said that before. It was a Lucky Strike, and they are terrible. It�s like smoking the head of a fish. Plus the damn thing was pretty torn up from it� journey to the bottom of my pants. I digress. I headed over to my locker to search it for any left over packs, or strays. I had to move my French book, which hadn�t been touched all year, and I had to remove the old can of mountain dew that made it�s home in the bottom of my locker. The gross part was, all the water had evaporated (probably what cause that fungus on the door) and only the sludge remained. �Did ye done and drunk et?� �If I understood that correctly, no. I wouldn�t drink that for a hundred bucks. My friend Eli, though, we once told him to drink a container of Cooch Juice, which was gross. It was forged of eggs, and ham, milk, water, vodka, insects and urine, all mixed together in a blender. He drank it for only twenty bucks between the ten of us guys, and he added; It'll put hair on his chest. He refuses to smoke though, he says it will fuck up his lungs. He is a messed up individual. Anyway he would have drank the Mountain Dew off a gentleman�s bet, even thought it had been there since September.� Nick at this point scratched his head and bit off the end of his jerky. �Where was I?� �You were ranting on about your nicotine addiction.� The clerk commented. He was sick and tired of hearing these type of people babble on about their addiction to cigarettes, �you and every other under aged teenager who comes in here.� �Do ye smoke a pipe?� Joseph said picking up his own stick of jerky, and fondling it. �I�m warning you, you wiggle that at me anymore Joseph, no matter how Scottish you are, you�ll have to answer to that jerky,� Nick said making Joseph even more confused than before. �Did you just say� I�m so confuse...?� �Yeah, I fucked up,� the Nick yelled cutting the clerk off. �My bad.� �Anyway,� Nick said leaving time for the dramatic pause, �there was no nicotine in my locker, so I went to class. At this point, I was a wreck. My hands were shaking, and my lips were trembling. I need that nicotine. I asked this dumb bitch in my class if I could have one of her cigarettes. I said to her �Hey, Dumb bitch, can I get a cigarette off you?� And she said �No way, you penis, you always call me a dumb bitch.� Well, due to this obvious lack of respect for me we interchanged a few more words before Mr. Duffy threw us both out of class,� Nick finished with no hint of sarcasm. �Smooth Nick, real smooth.� The clerk said with delight. �Whine did ye cawll eire a dum �itch?� �Cause that�s what she is, and if she can�t accept that, then she has got a problem,� Nick said in a straightforward voice. �Well, did ye get de butt or nout?� �No, moron. If I had I would be here right now? Would I?� �Nigh.� �Good, let�s continue. After being kicked out of class, I went to my next a bit early. See, this professor I had was terrible. He was just simply a bad teacher, but I loved his class. He would just sit there and read the paper while we talked like mad. We called him professor chimney cause he left every fifteen minutes to have a butt. It�s illegal for both students and faculty to smoke on the grounds, but that never stopped this guy. I was hoping to get a butt off of him. I entered class and went up to him and asked. He said he didn�t smoke. I called him a liar and asked him why he leaves every fifteen minutes. He laughed and told me it was to have little nips of vodka. He giggled delightfully and said �How the hell else am I supposed to deal with you damn kids?� I left very angry and decided today was not my day. I was going to leave so I could spend the rest of my money to buy a pack.� �End now ye�r �ear!� �Who�s telling the story?� �Ye r�� �Are we clear on this?� �Yah� �Are you sure, cause I don�t want you to be confused?� �I�m good.� �All right then, No, I did not end up here just yet, cause I got hit by that urge for nicotine. I needed a butt so as I walked out side I took that damn broken Lucky Strike out and went to get the matches Ryan had given me. Only two left, I said to myself as I opened the box. I tried to light the first match on the side of the box, but the damn �spark shit� was all gone. I tried so fucking hard that the wood broke and the match head fell to the ground. I didn�t even get angry, cause I had another. In fact, I picked up my foot and lit the new match on the bottom of my shoe. The match flame was steady as I raised it towards my mouth, and I went to light the cigarette, when all of a sudden a breeze came by. �And let me guess, it blew out the match.� The clerk said believing the story to be complete lie. �No, the breeze didn�t do shit except fuel to fire to light the cigarette. The problem I found was I lit the filtered end. It sucked. I had no more matches and the breeze actually made the fire move quicker. I cursed my life for lighting that damn filter, but, hey, the Lucky Strike sucked anyway. Then I came here. �Can I ask you a question Nick?� �Sure, peckerhead.� �Why is it that you use profanities like they are an everyday word?� �Because they ARE EVERYDAY WORDS!� �Well, then why do we censor TV?� �I don�t know. It seems like a bunch of bullshit to me.� �What doesn�t seem like bullshit to you?� The clerk replied. �Could you please keep the swearing to a minimum, I find it offensive, and I think some thing wrong with you if you don�t. It�s really not necessary.� �Oh yeah, fuck you.� At that point another guest visited the store. He was a red neck named Ed, and he wanted porn. �Hey, I would like the Playboy, the Hustler, and the Penthouse. Oh yeah and two of these jerky�s.� Ed was a simple man who had a family but seemed to live a little behind the times. Coming from an inbreeding state, Ed new little of class and even less of respect. He grew up buying porn and drinking at strip joints. He simply wanted porn. �Sure, I�m just going to need to see your ID.� The clerk said. �Oh shit here we go,� Nick said. �He�s not going to let you buy anything unless you got ID. �What if I take out the jerky?� Ed asked innocently. �Nigh, he�ll still ask fer ye ID� �What in the hell did he just say?� �He said I�m still gonna need to see some ID.� The clerk said getting sick of the crowd, �Did I mention that there was no loitering here?� �Shut up. I�ll leave as soon as I get my cigarettes.� �I leave as soon as I get my dang blasted Porn magazines.� Ed said, �I have been trying to get my porn mags all day and I don�t have time to put up with your dirt swallowing crap. I demand my porn magazines and dang blasted I deserve them. I don�t give a donkey�s behind who you are, I�m Ed White and I�m gonna get me some porn. �LISTEN! LISTEN TO ME! NO ID. NO PORN!! NO CIGARETTES!! NO NOTHING!� The clerk said as he exploded with anger. �Canna I buy de jerky?� �NO. �Why net? �Because�. Because we don�t sell jerky.� At this point the clerk grabbed the jerky out of the Scots hands and took the display case behind the counter. �Maybe if all of you people weren�t so addicted to profanityies, porn, or nicotine, none of us would have any problems. All I see day in and day out is people buying cigarettes and porn magazines. Kids eight years old trying to buy alcohol in the liquor store next door, and then cigarettes here. I�m sick of people�s addiction to sex and drugs. I�m not gonna sell this stuff anymore.� Ed seemed confused by the clerk�s point. Ed was that kid who used to buy the alcohol and cigarettes underage. He had to such a point that he believed it to be legal, and written in the constitution. �Em not addicted to em.� Joseph chimed in. �No, but you�re addicted to something. You Joseph are addicted to being nosy. You couldn�t leave right now if you wanted to. Me, I�m addicted to TV. All I do is sit around like a mindless machine and watch TV. I don�t exercise, I don�t study, I just watch TV. All I see is violence, sex, and drugs. I turn on one station; A guy in a cornfield talking of suicide. Next station: a comatose victim dying in front of her mother. Next Station: girl dies on a canoeing trip. Next station: a funeral scene. I see death and graves everywhere!! Death Death Death Death Death Death Death. Either that or Sex. I mean how many shows do we have that have blondes with big breasts in them? How about, all of them. The most popular show in the world is Baywatch. I mean that is sex all the way. I�m sick of the way people are addicted to foul language too. It�s like every other word out of a person�s mouth is fuck this, or fuck that. Everyone is taking too much freedom with what they want and what they desire, but they don�t stop to think what freedoms they are taking away from others. No one ever talks things out anymore. Viewers don�t want to see happy endings. Viewers want cliffhangers and tragedy. Shakespeare knew that and that�s why his most famous play is also his bloodiest. Isn�t about time we cast off the bonds of our addictions. Now all of you get out. You have no more business here.� �No,� Nick said, �I think you need to sell me some cigarettes.� �I�m an important citizen of America and I ain�t leaving until I have my porn. My right to my pornography is as American as owing a gun to protect my family.� Ed said, �If a gun is good enough to protect something as important as a liquor store or a bar, than it�s good enough to protect my family.� �Em net American, bet Eh want me Jerky!� �I�m going to have to ask you three to leave,� the clerk said as he reached for the baseball bat behind the counter. As he pulled it out the other three men were slightly stunned. �Now get out, before I call the police.� �What de �ell es dat?� �It�s a baseball bat, Joe, and I�m gonna beat you with it until you go away.� In an instant chaos broke out. Joseph, in typical Scottish fashion, swung at the clerk. His swing was off, since the clerk moved to evade it. Nick, the tobacco fiend, decided to run into the children�s isle in this Quickie Mart. Joseph froze after his swing missed, but manage to give a spectacular �frozen� headbutt to the Louisville slugger. This was right before he passed out. Ed ran out of the store and apparently left Nick to fend for himself. Nick seeing the seriousness in the clerk�s actions grabbed the nearest child�s toy, which happened to be a magic eight ball and threw it at the clerk. The purple ink exploded on the clerk�s head and he cried out in pain. �I bet the eight ball didn�t see that one coming.� Nick said out loud. �Damn it. I just wanted to do my job. Why couldn�t you guys leave. I can�t sell you anything, you don�t have Id.� At that point, Ed, who was though to turned tail and run, drove onto the curb. He got out of his pickup and screamed, �Let�s see how effective that bat is against my shotgun.� And with that the buckshot burst into the store shattering the glass and taking out the rotating slush puppy. The clerk, now fearing his life, dropped the bat and ran for the back door. As he sprinted down the corn chip isle, the bugles, air crisps, and Ritz burst open with buckshot scattering grain products into the atmosphere of the quickie mart. The clerk fell and skidded down the isle and crashed into the glass milk and �tonic� fridge. His shoulder ached with pain, as he got out his keys to exit the building. He was suddenly greeted with the cascade of glass and milk, which left the clerk with a new sensation of pain consisting of glass entering the skin while it seemed that milk poured out his veins. His mind drifted back to TV as he thought to himself, �God, this would make a great �Got Milk� ad.� He understood his true addiction to the TV, since that was his last thought, right before his face was met by the steel tip boot of Nick. �I�ll give you my ID, bitch.� Nick said giving the clerk another kick to the skull, �You like TV, now you�ll be on the eleven O�clock news.� �You wanted less violence,� Ed said slamming his shotgun into the clerk�s cranium, �I want porn. Looks like we both loose.� His shotgun barrel broke the unconscious jawbone of the clerk. �I just wanted a cigarette buddy, � Nick said plowing his foot into the clerk�s side, forcing blood out of both the nose and the mouth of the clerk, �Nothing personal.� �Hey, stop,� Ed said. �Let�s get out of here before someone comes.� �What about the Scot?� �Let him take the heat. He probably doesn�t have his green card yet.� Ed said. Nick and Ed got into their cars and drove off. _________________________________ The sounds of sirens filled the store, as two police officers step out into the shattered store. They immediately noticed that there was some sort of war that took place in this store. They noticed the dead clerk and the unconscious Scot. The policeman knew that this was his lucky day. �Well Bill, look at what we got here.� The policeman said to his partner, �A homicide, a scapegoat, A Quickie Mart, and five hundred yards of police tape. Call in for backup, lots of backup.� �Yes sir,� Bill said as he finished removing the last of the change from the cash register. _______________________________ Tonight, a convenience store was robbed and the clerk was killed in a brutal assault. We have from an unconfirmed report they may have been up to five men responsible for the murder. Pastries, coffee, chips and perishable products were stolen along with the money in the register. The Chief was quote as saying �We don�t know who took those donuts and coffee, but we have men working around the clock to find them. We do have their ringleader in custody and he is being questioned.� It seems the present suspect might be responsible for several other robberies. The last person to see the clerk alive is the twenty three-year-old midget who is a regular to the store. He was quoted as saying �He didn�t seem like his normal self, it was like he knew he was going to die. The other guy in the store was buying cigarettes and seemed to be trying to calm him down. I don�t know that�s just what I think I saw.� The other suspects linked with the Scotsman are classified as being from eighteen to twenty four, male Caucasian, and addicted to cigarettes and pornographic magazines. If you have knowledge of a person fitting these characteristics, please do not approach, they should be considered dangerous. If you have any knowledge to the whereabouts of these men you can call 1-800-P-U-B-L-I-C-E-Y-E. This is Channel Five news, the first to bring you the truth to the late breaking stories. We cut through the lies to give you the truth. **This was read completly unedited, and it got a few chuckles, and alot of blank stares. I got a B+. | |||||||||||
