Gump's Hood

2004-12-03 - 3:40 p.m.

Christmas Songs

Before - After

Christmas Songs

They started playing Christmas songs a few days before Thanksgiving this year. Now, I love me some Christmas music, but I also hate me some Christmas music.

Are you with me?

I think it�s really hit or miss. Sometimes you will like 3 songs in a row and then Little Drummer Boy will come on by Bob Segar and you will listen to it in mild disgust just like when any Hillary Duff song comes on.

After doing some research, I have been horrified by the absolute dregs of Christmas scene (if there is a scene). I have compiled a list in no particular order about Christmas songs I have either heard of or heard that make me question whether we should turn Christmas into the Olympics and just trot it out once every four years.

"Have a Rosie Christmas" by Rosie O'Donnell

Have yourself a Rosie little Christmas!

I would rather drink my own urine than listen to this song. I mean it. I would strip down, aim towards the sky, and shoot my hot stream up at my own face lapping at it like a dog drinks from a hose before I would push play on this song.

"Do You Hear What I Hear" by Rosie O'Donnell & Elmo

If Elton John sang back up vocals that would make it a trio of the three most obviously gay people in the world. I know that we are all tired of Rosie, but I suggest that it is time for us to retire Elmo. He�s a second rate puppet. He�s no Kermit, Fonzi, Ms. Piggy, Oscar, Big Bird, or even Animal. He�s like freaking Wembly from Fraggle Rock.

Have him die in a flaming Car accident on Sesame Street. I think it�s a good way to bring Sesame Street to a wider audience. I mean that�s an 8�oclock time slot in the making.

Incidentally I have always resented puppets because while the hand up their ass dies, they don�t. It�s unfair. I think when your master dies, you must go down with the ship. Just one man�s opinion.

The Song that will not be named by Paul McCartney

Okay, so this song is probably the most annoying song ever written. I really hate ALL the Beatles Christmas music but this one is the worst. Can�t think of the title? Good. Stop trying, because if you remember it � it will wedge its annoying chorus/verses into your brain and it�s never coming out. And I mean E-V-E-R. If you really want to know I will write it backwards below.

Lypmis gnivah a lufrednow emitsamtsirhc

Which of course forwards is �John is Shot, but it�s Paul�s Career that�s dead.�

It's Beginning to Look a Lot Like Christmas by Kathie Lee Gifford

File this one under, �You know your career is over when � � If she keeps this up people are going to start to confuse her with Kathy Griffin

Who I sometimes confuse with Andy Dick. (Put a red Curley wig on Andy Dick�)

My Grown-Up Christmas List by Donny Osmond

There is nothing like rich-ass-no-talent-has-been reminding me of the suffering in the world. Check out the lyrics This is my grown-up Christmas list. It�s not for myself, but for a world in need. No more lives torn apart, that wars would never start �

Thanks Donny, for bringing the suffering directly into my living room with your annoying voice. Go host a daytime talk show.

Please Daddy (Don't Get Drunk This Christmas) by John Denver

I actually think your kids were a bit more worried about his Rocky Mountain High. But seriously. Every Christmas I need a little PSA from Mr. Denver reminding me my children aren�t punching bags. But you know what, after listening to this song, I think I might have a drink. Or ten.

Somebody hide the brass knuckles, I�m drinking ice-house this Kwanza!

Christmas Card from a Hooker in Minnasota by Tom Waits.

This one comes with two options

I actually can�t tell if this song is brilliant or horrible. I would say not during the Christmas season, its brilliant, but if its on your holiday playlist, well, lets just say for Christmas you might be answering questions why �Janice called Bobby nine months later hoping he would send her money for dope because her pimp is going to kick he in the stomach�

Puts a new twist on Ho, Ho, Ho, Merry Christmas

Little Drummer Boy by Chicago

Oh great. Another version of Little Drummer Boy. Not even Boston could have saved this one.

It's Christmas (All Over the World) by New edition

South Park did a Merry Fucking Christmas song, which based on the shear fact that it WASN�T Christmas all over the world. But who expects Bobby Brown to be up on religious tolerance. His idea of White Christmas involved cocaine being snorted off of Whitney�s emaciated ribcage.

Santa Clause Goes Straight To The Ghetto by Snoop Doggy Dogg

Snoop, you never done me wrong. You can star in porn, you can host award shows, you can smoke weed in public, man I�d even let you pimp out my lady! (sorry honey) Hell, I even bought your acting in Starksy and Hutch! But rapping about Santa in the ghetto? Last time I checked Santa lived in the North Pole, not Columbia.

O Holy Night by Tracy Chapman

Made me want to get in a fast car and drive away.

The Christmas Shoes by NewSong

I know what�s missing from Christmas. TEARS! What I want to do is cry while I am opening my presents. I want to think about freaking New Songs dead mother meeting Jesus. Perfect. That�s the perfect freaking gift to the world. Thank you new song for Ruining Christmas.

This song would make me become Jewish but then freaking Newsong would probably write a song how Grand-Daddy needs a nice new Yakima before Hitler sends him to Auschwitz.

Christmas in Jail Merry Texas Christmas, Y'All

We are now entering the land where anyone is allowed to make a Christmas song. While you have to have SOME talent or at least a lot of money *cough*david hasselCough* to make a regular music CD, you can be ANYONE and make a Christmas song. (see �NewSong�s Christmas shoes, the actual name of the band which I didn�t believe until I googled it 20 times�)

Case in point. Christmas in Jail. From Texas y�all. While I know most people in Texas are in, or have been, in jail, I�ll just assume this is a local thing, but I listen to it.

It�s just awful I linked the site.

Enjoy it if you dare

Call Me Claus by Garth Brooks

I�m only going to call you a messed up Country singer who dressed up like a Goth kid right before he started playing baseball. The only think normal is how closely you resemble is Angels Coach Mike Scioscia.

Oh no wait. That�s not normal. THAT FREAKING WEIRD.

If you want to now dress up like Santa, weirder shit has happened and it�s a free country, but you will actually have to get Michael Clark Duncan to dress up like Rudolf before I put your CD on at my house.

Peace on Earth/Little Drummer Boy by David Bowie & Bing Crosby)

I like Bing Crodby. I even like David Bowie. But just because I like pickles and ice cream, doesn�t meant I want a pickle flavored ice cream. This song isn�t nearly as disgusting as it is unnecessary. Who called who to make this one happen? I just can�t imagine either one thought this would be a good idea.

XTINA'S Song by Christina Aguilera

Things X-tina should be thankful for this Christmas: Paris Hilton and Tara Reid.

She should send Paris Hilton and Tara Reid big fruit baskets, because without them, I am pretty sure we all know who the durtiest girl in Hollywood is. And by durty, I mean sluttiest. Oh and this song sucks too, in case you couldn�t guess.

The Twelve Days Of Cowboy Christmas off of the Album Christmas the Cowboy Way by Riders In The Sky

YEEEEEE HAWWWWW. One the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me: 3 Cattle rustler, 2 Six shooters, and A copy of this album for free.

Police Stop My Car by Bob Rivers

This is a parody of Feliz Navidad ( a particularly horrible song in of itself ) Here is a sample sung to that tune.

�Police roady block. They want to make sura dere no open bottles in me car!!!

Bob Rivers must be Stopped And after seeing that this song was on the SECOND of his holiday Christmas Albums, I think that it is our duty to stop him. Bob if you are reading this, there is a better way to make money.

It�s called begging. Get a cup and sit on the corner you talentless hack.

God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen by Barenaked Ladies & Sarah McLachlan)

While this isn�t the worst song, it might have been the worst conversation in human history. Here is how I imagine it went.

Bare Naked Ladies calls Sarah McLachlin (because she sure as shit ain�t calling then!): Hi Sarah?

Sarah: Hi yes, what is this all aboot?

BNL: Sorry. Well we were all over here wondering � no wait. I mean begging � begging if you would you do a Christmas Song with us?

Sarah: What a terrible idea! Sure I�ll do it. Why are you asking me?

BNL: Because Alanis Morissette was busy.

Sarah: Really? What is she doing?

BNL: She says she�s doing �These Three Kings� with Sting and the Californian Raisins.

Sarah: I always wanted to work with them. Well what song are we going to do?

BNL: God Rest ye Merry Gentlemen

Sarah: Ugh, that�s rough. Why not Little Drummer Boy?

BNL: Chicago did that.

Sarah: Yikes. Okay, what about �Christmas Shoes.�

BNL: Come on Sarah, even we aren�t that bad.

Sarah: Oh right. Well we could do �Silent Night�.

BNL: Yeah, well Celion Dion is thinking about doing that one, and her agent said if we even thought about aboot calling her again he�d send a copy of her CD over.

Sarah: So?

BNL: So we aren�t even thinking about it.

Sarah: Well, I�m certainly not busy. When do you want to light this candle?

BNL: We thought we could do it over the phone. Like right now. We�ll only need one take. We improv everything. It�s totally awful!

Sarah: Over the phone? Won�t the sound quality suck.

BNL: Well we figured since the song sucks, and we suck, why stop there? It not like we are trying to hide anything?

Sarah: Okay *sings song*.

BNL: Great! That was kinda decent!

Sarah: Now, aboot my payment�

BNL: If we had a million dollars, we would � *sarah hangs up*

BNL Fat Guy 1: I told you it would work.

BNL Fat Guy 2: Sweet. Lets High Five and then eat Kraft Dinner.