When you go into the bathroom many choices await you. For some reason I, up until this point, felt equipped to make these choices.
Using a public restroom comes in stages.
Stage 1: Why are you there?
-- So you�ve gone to the bathroom, but you can�t help but wonder; why am I in here? Follow this simple questioner to determine the reason you have decided to go to the bathroom.
1) You have to wash your hands --- skip to stage 3
2) You have to pee --- Skip to stage 2
3) You have to poop --- Skip to Stage 2
4) You have to fart, but didn�t want to do it somewhere else. --- Congratulations. You have made a wise choice. Everyone farts, but no everyone does it in the bathroom. The bathroom is the best place to fart because it�s a area where that sorta thing occurs. AND if you do encounter that the fart was actually more than you believed it to be, you don�t have far to go. Just look around and rip away friend.
5) You have to look at yourself in a mirror, you handsome devil you. --- Take a look. Adjust. Flash yourself a smile and leave.
6) You have your period --- Skip to another diary. I�ve got no good advice.
7) You�re bleeding but its not period related. --- Leave the bathroom, go to the hospital.
8) You have to vomit --- Go for the stall. If not the stall, use the sink. While a urinal might be available, the surface area of the urinal and the proximity your face has to come to the urine splattered sides is too high risk. I mean, you�ll probably grab hold of the sides and die of dysentery, Oregon Trail style.
9) You just like the smell of fecal waste --- You�re sick. Head to a mental hospital.
Stage 2: Now that I�ve figured out why I am here � what do I do about it?
1) I�ve gotta poop --- Okay, you can�t really use the urinal, so you only have one thing to decide between. Do I have to go this bad? I myself have been there. I had to pay a british pound to use a bathroom/homeless center in one of the central and highly traveled train stations in London because my other option was wearing my digested dinner. It wasn�t a choice I wanted to make, but I made the right choice. Please, for the love of god, get some TP between you and the bowl, and if there isn�t enough TP for both a clean wipe and a seat cover, shower ASAP. But overall, if you don�t have to go, just hold it.
2) I�ve gotta pee --- Girls have the hover stall action. I pity you. With your high heels, purse, skirts, tight jeans, slinky undergarments, it might sometimes be like trying to pee while wearing chainmail armor. I mean it just seems really complicated. Guys have the urinal, which is a fine invention indeed. However, as we all know urinals have their rules
---- a.) 2 big boys and a junior. Take the middle, then the non junior by the wall, then the junior, UNLESS there is no one else waiting, in which case wait.
---- b.) 3 big boys. Take the one NOT by the wall on the end, then the one on the wall, then the middle, UNLESS there is no one waiting, then wait.
---- c.) 4 Big boys and a junior This ones a little more complicated. Basically start at either 1 or 2 (I prefer 1) then file into 3, (for the wall action), then the uncomfortable 4, and finally �whoops� junior #5. Try to wait if possible.
---- d.) 7+ Big Boys You are at a concert or an arena or something with a lot of foot traffic. Now it just doesn�t matter. Take the open one and keep the eyes straight ahead. Go piss in a stall if you have to. Just no the sink�okay fellas.
Stage 3 --- I might have got something on my hands.
You have two choices. You can be that guy who just walks out of the bathroom as if his shit didn�t stink and contain harmful bacteria that will cause him to die. Or you can wash your hands. This isn�t an easy choice though. You�ve got options.
1) The Low-Brow Heat Dryer --- This is the worst form of drying your hands. The Heat Jet is hot, but the wind is low. And NEWS FLASH, the skin BURNS before water Evaporates. So putting you freaking hand under one of these bad boys with low airflow is stupid, because unless it can boil water and not hurt your skin, its utterly pointless.
2) The Automatic Paper Dispenser --- This is awful because you get a tiny sheet of paper and have to stand in front of a machine waving your hand like an idiot trying to get more paper. Yes, it save one paper and the environment etc�but it�s a pain in the ass. I�ve got wet hands, and I not thinking �oh another sheet might save a redwood.�
3) The Regular Paper towel dispenser. The only negative to this one is you have to TOUCH the dispenser which is kinda gross after you washed your hands. But at least you can get a good supply of towels. The only problem here being the trash that overflows and never gets emptied.
4) The Towel Guy This is the dude that sits there and give you a towel to dry you hands. This is good. Really good. Who doesn�t like a nice warn towel to dry their hands. Plus the bathroom is really clean and you know so is the towel. There are just two problems. First you have this problem of the guy. You don�t really want to talk to him, but you don�t really want to treat him like he�s inhuman. This guy gets more �good weather� comments than he knows what to do with. The second is the tip. Do you tip the guy? What if you are wasted and will be in there like 6 more times. You can�t tip out once at the beginning cause he�ll want that everytime. You can�t tip out once at the end because you�ll be out of money, plus he might spit in your towel. This bothers me.
5) The Excelerator A jet engine powered hand drying machine of warm air. I don�t have to touch it. It doesn�t make a mess. I don�t have to tip it. Its good for the redwoods. I don�t have to talk to it. In fact the only problem is that its loud. But I like that. I means I don�t have to listen to people poop.
There ya go. Now you can use a public bathroom with ease. Unless it�s a porta-potty, in which case you must resort to POW tactics to get out alive.
