Dear Gump,
Will [your answers] include baking soda and what's on your mind, dear, before the situation gets out of hand?
Dear Betty,
I have no idea what you are talking about, and I guess I should have specified, place your questions in the form of a coherent thought. But yes, I have been using baking soda to take care of any unwanted headaches. Thanks for asking. wtf?
Dear Gump,
Why is "gas" not spelled teh same way as "ass"? They are, after all, phonetically similar?
Dear Procrasto,
Teh reason why is sipple. While they seem phonetically similar, the proper way to pronounce �gas� is g-as. As in gaz. It�s the sound �g� with the word �as�. Gaz. Many people don�t know this, and I am glad you axed.
Dear Gump,
Who is/was the fattest man/woman according to the Guinness Book of World Records? How much did the weigh?
Dear Cookie,
Good question. He was a American from Seattle named Jon Brower Minnoch (1941�83), 635 kilograms = 1 399.93536 pounds. That�s right 1400 lbs and the guy was only 6�1�. He had a lot of weird things about him, because he retained water due to a genetic birth defect, and the he ended up also holding the record for most weight loss of to go down to 700lbs. Not to shockingly he died of a heart attack.
Dear Gump,
What should someone do if they have a crush on someone with a significant other?
Dear Anonymous,
I would first recommend dating his brother. This usually works out well, with very few hurt feelings. However, in most situations I would just recommend killing the person you have a crush on, you know, so you forget about the crush all together.
Dear Gump
Is there anyway I can have my rent be lower with sexual favors?...cause you know everyone wins in this scenario.
Dear Sharon,
Yes, if you had the balls to actually make the first move, I am sure this is possible. Albert is a lonely man.
Dear Gump,
What the hell do you mean, Bea Arthur? Blanche was totally the fattest of the Golden Girls!
Dear Sandy,
I didn�t know TV had scales. I thought it was only snakes. On another note, I looked it up on the internet, and Estelle Getty was actually the fattest.
Dear Gump,
*points up* anonymous???? That wasn't very anonymous.
Dear Betty,
Why was it you? And if it was you, why did you point it out. And if it wasn�t you how did you know that it wasn�t someone else?
Dear Gump,
What causes dimples? in the cheeks on a face, not ass. I know what causes those. How come me sitting with my fingers pushed into my cheeks for hours as a kid didnt make dimples? I always wanted dimples.
Dear Kelly,
As we know dimples in the ass are caused by eating too much grape jelly. Dimples in the facial cheeks are caused by sugarplum fairies. To get a sugarplum fairy, you must simply travel to San Francisco and sing �Girl from Ipanema�.
However, that is all expensive, so I recommend just getting a needle and a clear button. Just thread the needles through your epidermal layer, and boom, a homemade dimple.
Dear Gump,
My question is why are you so AWESOME?! Thank you Gump, you're the greatest.
Dear Gump,
My question is why are you so AWESOME?! Thank you Gump, you're the greatest.
Dear Wondermart,
-My question is why did you put that twice? Anyway, I am as great as you let me be. Which means I am not usually that good usually. Take for example, the answer to this question. (if it is a question) Lame doesn't even cover the area I am venturing into.
Dear Gump
When is your anniversary with Shelly? (this one's for your benefit, assbag.)
Dear uNCLEPUMPKIn,
Shit.
Dear Gump,
Why did you not give me public acknowledgment of hooking you up with your *new* cool kids gmail?
Dear Cloudy,
Well I didn�t want to brag that it was I who invented G-mail. It�s true. Cloudy is responsible for the fiasco that is hotmail.
Dear Gump,
do you have religion?
Dear Poopy,
Why you looking to join up. I am thinking about starting a diaryring religion. Think you will join that?
Dear Gump
How many d-landers are you in love with?
Dear Applerobot,
It�s so hard to say. I mean what is love? Is it the sorta feeling like a butterfly on your nose, or a goat nibbling the zipper on your pants. Love is such a fickle thing that it would be hard to venture a guess at the amount of people that I could be in love with. I will venture, zero.
Dear Gump,
What is a good gift to give to a blind person?
Dear Jimmy,
Tripwire. Set it up all around the house for him. Also put steaks in the vents to fuck with the Seeing Eye dog.
Dear Gump,
why are you such a nice guy?
Dear Laural,
I�m not. What ever gave that impression.
Dear Gump,
Will the Red Sox win the World Series?
Dear Sarah,
Will Santa ever deliver Easter eggs? No, the Red Sox�s job isn�t to win the World Series; its to lose in the worst way possible. And they do that very very well.
Dear Gump,
Dude, everyone's got gmail now. 2 weeks ago, I hadn't HEARD OF it, now everyone has it. *Even me* So my question is, why are guys such elusive beings in general?
Dear Erin,
Is it the guy whose elusive, or is it you aren�t perceptive? I mean, g-mail was so big, and you totally missed the boat. Get in the game. Guys are very easy to figure out. Like a Crispy Wonton.
Dear Gump,
Why are black women so sexy?
Dear Monica,
They are so sexy I am scared of them. I think its because they have uber-confidence. Like if you ever fought Bruce Lee, he would kick your ass before the fight began. Black women have like, already had sex with me, before like�the talking began. That analogy didn�t pan out.
Dear Gump,
Who's your daddy?
Dear Kelly,
Technically, Papa Gump. According to Pedro, the Yankees.
Dear Gump,
questions: how do i get my fianc�e back who dumped me? she�s witty-kitten at diaryland; also how do I start a revolution after bush declares himself dictator?
Dear Publiclice,
Part 1: I have said it once, and I will say it again. Sleep with her sister. Works like a charm. Barring that, do something really stupid. Like you and your guy friends get in a room, drink 30 beers (between you) and the stupidest thing suggested, do that, but with a rose in your mouth.
--riding a bull naked wear a skinned beaver hat vs riding a bull naked wear a skinned beaver hat with a rose in your mouth
The rose turns idiotic into romantic. Much like how Phil Collins music turns romantic to desperate.
Part 2: Punch and Pie.
Dear Gump,
Hmm...this all seems very familiar...where have i seen this before coughpurplebananacough... :D Ok, here is my question: How long would it take you to crochet a wedding dress?
Dear Hil,
I wouldn�t play Croquet in a wedding dress. Would you play badminton in a Tux? We are talking Olympic sports her Hilseemore.
Dear Gump,
How much is rent?
Dear Lisa,
How much do you want it to be?
Dear Gump,
What�s the longest you have gone without masturbating.
~Pent up in the Pentagon
