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I had twin kids, and I named them kibble and bits. Though many members of my family protested, I manage to obtain 20,000 from Kibble and bits and a lifetime supply of dogfood.
Too bad I hate dogs.
However, I tried to maximize my winning by feeding Kibble & Bits (my kids not the corpration) my spare dog food, but then Children Service took them away. I tried to tell the judge, �if any two kids in the world are supposed to each dog food�it�s mine.�
He didn�t see the irony.
I still see them on the weekend, though I tried to wave that �right�. In the end I figured, well, who the hell else is going to eat all this dog food.
Kibbles was a boy, and Bits was a girl. I guess Kibbles resented me much more for the name, and Bits more for the dog food diet. I told her she was lucky that she got to eat at the table. I let them have soda? What more could she have wanted?
Kibbles didn�t seem to mind the dog food all that much except when friends would come over. Then he wanted Bugles. Bugles!!! What is this�band camp? I told his friends that they could have the Homestyle brand, which I might add, they only give to me twice a year. That�s the good stuff, and as you can see quite nutritious. Most of those kids bitch, but that snotty kid Murph can�t get enough. He�d eat that stuff until he dropped dead.
His bitch mom yelled at me one time for letting him eat his weight in dog food, but I told her, �It�s not my fault that dogfood tastes better than your cooking.�
It certainly tasted better than her punani. She came over to pick up Snotty Murph, and while he gorged on Dogfood, we had adult-relations in my study. I told it was study because there was a book in it, but it was actually my garage. We did it on a ban-saw. Snotty Murphy walked in and refilled his kibbles and bits out of the giant birdseed holder I keep the massive amount of dogfood stored in for easy access. He had the gall to asked what we were doing.
I told him to ask his father. Little bastard.
Bits didn�t seem to appreciate that I cheated on �Mom�. That�s when I had to tell her that mom was actually around anymore. I had dressed up this scarecrow and put it in the downstairs closet with a sign that said �Mom�s Room� on the outside. I told the kids mom couldn�t come out because she was undergoing astronaut training for a mission to Mars, so they had to see how long she could spend in a tight space. I put a Walkie Talkie in there so I could read Kibbles and Bits stories at night, but I would do it in a high voice.
Those little pukes liked it so much they would stay up all night. I got sick and tired of spending time with them, so I just bought some books on tape to play into the speaker. They wondered why Mom started sounding like Jean Luc Picard from Star Trek and so I hit them with a spoon. I told them I didn�t want any Sci-fi geeks in my house.
Bits totally freaked when I opened the door to show her mom, because the pumpkin head of the scarecrow had practically liquidated. It ended up working out well for me though because I just told her that the starship enterprise must have shot her with a Photon Phaser and melted her head. Now I didn�t have to tell her mom is snorting coke of my bosses wang down at the power plant AND they stopped watching Star Trek.
Speaking of which, I have no idea where the hell they go during the week, you know, when they aren�t with me. Meh � it can�t be too good if they keep coming to my place.
Incidentally, Snotty Murph�s father came over to beat the crap out of me, but we got to talking after I told him that I didn�t even enjoy having sex with his wife. He just said, �Yeah, me either.�
I told him that now that I have all this extra dog food, since my kids weren�t eating it during the week, we should put it to good use. He came up with the idea for a �bar for dogs.� The idea was we would put liquor or beer in the kibbles and bits and then owners could get their pets drunk and perhaps mate, just like humans. In the end, it was an awful idea. Though the dog food was free, he lost a lot of money because he only got a few strays, and then had to play NASCAR on the TV to keep the regulars coming back. Then both people and animals started eating/drinking the Beer Bits and having sex with their pets/owners. It just got out of control.
Incidentally the bar was called �Dog Bone.�
Finally Children Services told Kibbles and Bits (the company, not my kids) what Kibbles and Bits had grown up to become. (my kids, not the company) They were very upset at a few things. First that they didn�t come up with the idea of the bar �Dog Bone�, and second that my kids hadn�t died. Apparently the executives wanted kibbles and bits to be slightly poisonous to humans, because they didn�t want us stealing the dog�s food. This does explain Snotty Murph�s death, but that really wasn�t a negative in any ones book. I have this secrete belief that the owner of Kibbles and Bits was actually a dog, but this is just because he barked a lot, and humped my leg.
Eventually they decided to create a line for all humans that is safe, and you can go here, scroll to the bottom, and elect to be a taste tester. Maybe your life will turn out better than mine, though I don�t see how that�s possible
In the end, I am still angry that I didn�t realize that junk was poisonous. If I had known that -- I would have made my wife eat it before she had twins, sued the crap out of Del Monte Foods, still gotten at least the 20,000 and maybe even the lifetime supply of Kibbles and Bits.
Live and learn. Live and learn.
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