2004-02-11 - 12:26 p.m. Sick with Sadness I woke up feeling like I wanted to cry. I have gotten not a lot of sleep recently, and by not a lot I mean an absurd lack of sleep. I do this to myself sometimes, and I then fall into complete exhaustion. When this happens I begin to forget things and hallucinate. If you have never suffered from long term sleep deprivation, I suggest you try it. Things start to change shapes, and I have noticed that my mind plays funny funny tricks on me. Like I usually have this white cup that I drink water from on my side table by my bed, but last night it wasn�t there. My trash barrel kept changing shapes and becoming the cup close to me, and then as I reached out, it morphed back into the barrel. So I didn�t have a fever, cause I got 11 hours of sleep and I woke up this morning fine. It was sleep depravation. Which is good news that I am not sick, but bad news because I put myself through that. I have always learned to push myself, and can even push through that. One time, at it�s worse, I woke up during finals at school after passing out in my bed, and I thought I was in a jungle and I had to kill a snake. My roommates were a little frightened as I emerged from behind the curtin covering my bed (where I studied) with a pencil (knife) in my teeth. It only happens quickly, and then you can reason away the hallucination, but it�s still disconcerting. This leads to the next point. When you sleep, after not sleeping for a long time, your dreams are more real and more vivid than any other time I have ever experienced. To that point, it may sound like a good thing, but in fact, it isn�t. Here is why. I had a sexual dream. It involved myself, and someone who I had never had a sexual dream about before, Kerbang�s long term ex girlfriend. See, for some reason it was just the two of us alone in my living room in my house where I grew up. I started giving her a backrub, and then some how we started going at it. It�s a dream, you know how these things flow. But then we stopped and went to the oral part of the competition. And I quickly realized that I completely forgot how to get a girl off. Like I was just doing everything wrong. Licking in the wrong places, touching the wrong parts. And she was pissed. And she started insulting me, and emasculating me. It was pretty awful. And I then I realized I didn�t even want to be doing this, so I stopped and started yelling back that I never wanted to do this in the first place. And then we were in our clothes again and on the couch. And she was smoking. She said, �You know I am going to tell everyone about this, and how bad you were.� �I know� �I am going to tell Kerbang� �I know, he�ll never forgive me,� I realized I had destroyed a relationship with one of my best friends, I pleaded �but�I never wanted this. How did this happen?� �You gave me a backrub, and then it happened. You have to accept what you have done.� �But I didn�t want this.� �It doesn�t matter, you did it,� she puffed out a ring of smoke and looked at me, �You will have to tell Shelly.� And then I realized what I had done, and it killed me. I broke a promise to my girlfriend, and she would never forgive me, and I never felt so awful. And it was so real. And I woke up, but I didn�t realize that it was a dream. That feeling, that image, that incident stayed with me nearly ten minutes after I woke up, as if it had actually happened. It was so vivid. I actually believed it was real until in the shower I rationalized it, and realized that the incident never really happened. But it felt so real that I am still queasy from the experience. I think this is because this is one of my biggest fears. I fear the idea of hurting both my friend and my girlfriend for nothing. Nothing in the grand scheme of things. And it makes me sick to imagine that it could happen. Sick with sadness. | |||||||||||
