2003-07-06 - 2:18 a.m.

My Lizard man

Signs that you might be an Alcoholic

1) You have a cooler of beer in your trunk, in case at some point there is a chance to stop and drink.

2) You sneak beer in the car before a show just so that you got a beer in you before you go and buy beer.

3) When you go into the concert, the ticket guy says to you �I don�t need to see your ticket, you�ve spilt beer on me before.�

4) The attendant comes over to you personally and says �last call� You get up and go.

5) You are growing a beer belly in hope that someday you might give birth to a keg. Mostly so you can use the line �yeah, it was a dandy, my ass was dilated for a week. Beer was good though.�

6) You take a wrong turn home so you can have a longer drive to sober up.

7) You drink the Coors instead of the Coors lite, for the higher alcoholic content. (extra Gold) My question is what happened to the slightly Gold.

8) You scream like a girl (unless you are a girl in which case the option is scream like a man)

9) You eat less and sit out in the sun so you �feel drunker�

10) You make diaryland entries and sing about lizard men.

In summation I talked to Ben Folds. He�s really cool. Most of these drunk things didn�t happen, but some did.

I did sing a song about a lizard man that I made up on the spot trying to tell someone how bad this singer that opened for Ben Fold was. It went like this

I met this Lizard man

He wanted a tan

But he just got matriculation

Came to my school

Swam in my pool

He was quite the complication.

Oh Lizard man

You ruin my plans

For world�..domination

I think that you

Need to come through

And start a conversation

My Lizard man

(oooh Lizard man)

with your crazy plans

Your bent on human termination.

But I got a note

That your just a goat

With wild hallucinations.

(very off tune) My crazy, fucked up, wildly sardonic

Cha cha cha.