2003-07-07 - 1:20 p.m. Dreams 6 The Sun
It�s daytime and I am outside in a park. I am with Jackie Martin, Jason SooHo, and Diana Sacs. Diana Sacs is one of the most annoying girls on the planet. Jackie and Jason are dating, but I am really not to close to them. I kinda wish that my other friends were here. It really sunny out and the sun is lowering below the hill. I am sneezing up a storm as the sunlight burns my skin. I feel it burning and I can see my skin turning red. Call me Lobster Man. These three people with me are really worrying me. Its like I have met them and talked to them, but I feel very insecure about myself. You see I don�t know what they think about me. They are close strangers. I know of them, and I could pick them out of a crowd easily, but I have no idea if they like me. Diana Sacs scares me. She was so rude and haughty during classes. She was also really dumb. She was also unattractive. But I never said a mean word to her. I was always very nice to her. I always tried to treat her with respect. But if that was the case I wondered what these people thought of me. The sun caught my eye and gave me those spots in front of your eye�s like confetti that won�t disappear. My God it was bright. �Its going to eclipse.� Jackie said. What did that mean I wondered. �But only if you want it to,� Jason said. The sky started turning black and something started to move in front of the sun. �In Chaucers� Bakes Tale the sun symbolized truth and reveled peoples natures. It was marvelous.� Diana cackled. She always did this. That�s how she talked, like she was out of a Jane Austin novel. I wanted to smack her. Vikram once told me that something she said in english AP made him want to throw a chair at her, in hopes it would crush her skull. She wasn�t blessed with a great deal of charisma. I sneezed again as the sun started to become black. I thought of this time in English where Vikram got up and left the room. It might have been due to the nurse or a ear or eye test or something, but he told me it was cause he couldn�t stand to be in the room with Diana for another minute. I though that was really funny. It made me chuckle. And I smiled. Diana saw me smile. I looked at her and had a very honest and happy smile on my face. In return she smile back at me. I wonder why? The sun was blocked out, and my skin felt cool. I could see where I was going again. The people with me couldn�t see where they were going. They fumbled around aimlessly. The sun was black and the air was cold. And then I woke up.
2/15/97 �Well, why do you want to break up with me.� I wrote on a little piece of paper in European History AP. I passed it behind me to Laura. After a few minutes a note was passed back. �I can�t stand the way you look, the clothes you wear, the way you talk, or the way you breathe.� Laura replied in crazy quick penmanship. I replied �Well, I can stop breathing, but I really like this shirt.� Which I hoped would break up the mood and get her to settle down. After a minute or so of watching The Seventh Seal in class, I received a reply. Nothing was gonna get done in class today. European History was the class that stood between us and lunch. The teacher, who was a really good teacher, realized that seniors in the last semester of school weren�t about to stand for learning. This is why I loved this class. Right now it was more like kindergarten than at any other point in my schooling. People were either drawing, sleeping, or watching the TV. I liked this movie, but right now I had to read the reply. �I don�t think Laura wants to talk to you right now,� Erika handwriting stated. Whoa I just got the friend cut off via the note. What was this? I turned around and mouthed to Erika, W-H-A-T ? She was a good friend, but better friends with Laura. However I was still surprised at the shutdown. Laura had her head down. She had switch seats with her friends since the breakup. It was now political seating in this class. Kerbang had positioned himself, quite cleverly, in front of a girl who liked to show off cleveage, unwittingly. Kerbang used to turn around and draw little doodles on her notebook, distracting her attention from his roving eyes. It was so innocent though that I have always seen it as a primal sort of flirting. They always got along after that class. Sam, unclevely, sat near the front, ahead of John and next to Needles. He was away from the action, out of the loop, and the teacher saw his action whenever her turned around. Bad move. He just always sat in that seat though because his last name begins with an �A� so he just took that seat regardless of the seating arrangement. Needles sat in front of me, with John and the girl to my right. Laura and Jen sat behind me, followed by Kerry and Erika. Jen and Kerry and Laura have all now switched seats so that Laura is now directly two seat behind me, preventing any sort of face to face conflict. These girls were like cunning wolves, circling the prey. Well, notes were out, and I couldn�t talk to her. This one had to wait until after class. I gave it one last try. Now I am calm in retrospect but at the time I felt like a little wussy. No, strike that. I think I WAS a little wussy. That�s what I WAS. I felt like a Victorian lover who�s soulmate had been ripped away from him by the fickle spirits of the Gods. Ahhhh High school�.those were the days� But I felt that way and that�s why I wrote a note to Laura, the featured the phrase, �I think that I love you.� To anyone reading this. When in a break up setting, never start believing that you might have loved someone. You didn�t. You are being foolish and you will regret it later as you re-live the horrible moments of saying or writing LOVE YOU. It�s the pure form of regret, like the syrup form of coke. No one wants to drink that. It did the trick I supposed. She wrote back, �I didn�t know you felt that way. I think we should talk about this� and so on. Apparently she never knew how I truly felt about her. She invited me downstairs to her basement to �discuss� this. The thing was, she did know how I felt. We broke up a short time again later. And then maybe a few more times. And then maybe a couple more times after that. I didn�t really love her. The little wussy I think might have thought that he might be maybe falling slighlty in love with her. But I didn�t love her, and she didn�t love me. At least I know that. | |||||||||||
