2003-08-19 - 3:59 p.m. Love 5 Mania
�Love is never having to say you are sorry� �Shut the fuck up. That�s such bullshit. Where did you see that? On VH1 last night?� Pam was right. Jim had been up too late watching I love the 70�s, and he though that a movie line could get him out of being an idiot. �Thinking a movie line is going to help is just like something an idiot like you would think� Jim didn�t think things through. He was an emotional type of guy that is more likely to make you cardboard flowers from colored paper than to buy them at the store. He would think that is sweeter, and it might be, but he would get distracted and do a really crappy job on them. He would end up giving you scraps of paper elmered glued together with a little note that said, �I love you� Pam was tired of it. Jim�s life was a failed experiment in hear over reason. The man did whatever his heart told him too. Its what sucked Pam in at first, like a moth to the flame. Being with Jim made her feel loved; his destructive lifestyle made her feel like the first time she rode on a rollercoaster and felt feared danger. Now coasters are no longer scary and Jim no longer makes her feel alive. He now makes her feel disrespected. Jim on the other hand has unconditional for Pam. When he sees her he thinks he can see an aura of passion. He looks to her as a muse for his life. Someone who inspires his every breath; his every step. It boarders on obsession. But in Jim�s life didn�t? He was a stamp collector, which to the rest of the world is just something that they hear about people doing. Jim lived for it. He collected every stamp he could find just to looks at and cataloged the different photos. He actually went to the post office to wait in line for a new commemorative stamp released on the Beatles. He thought the place would be a mob scene. He was the first and last person in line. Where�s Beatle mania? He littered his office with hundreds of thousands of stamps. Pam was not pleased by this when his office became their living room. After about three weeks of nagging, the stamp theme got licked. Jim also was obsessed with the boy band O-town for the past three years. He taped every one of their MTV shows and went to every concert in a 100 miles radius. He knew each band members name and height. He knew that one liked lilies in the tub, while another liked pictures of Ricky Martin in the tour bus. Jim would stand in the crowd amidst the thousands of screaming girls, not lecherously gawking, but trying to make a moment of intimate eye contact with one of the band members. Pam also put the �fire� out to this �flaming� activity. She said it was embarrassing to have anyone like something so much that wasn�t a real part of their lives. Jim agreed, and admitted later that he only liked a few of their songs. But Jim was about commitment. He didn�t know how to go through life any other way. He felt that it makes no sense to do something if you aren�t going to go all the way. He would often argue that, �You don�t feel like going for a swim and then just stand in the kiddie pool.� Pam would counter with, �Yes but you don�t by Scuba Gear and try to start a colony of underwater freaks either. You learn moderation, or you turn into a prune.� Jim and Pam met at a Computer show. Pam went with her friend who was trying to find a compatible disk drive, when she saw a rather handsome man assembling a keyboard. When she approached him, they had the longest conversation about keyboards two people have ever had. They discussed the history of the letters, the proper curvature of the individual keys, the angle at which the keyboard is properly placed. Then Jim did something shocking. He discussed the best keyboard to have sex on. Pam was taken back, but Jim explained that he, now obsessed over keyboards, like doing it on a desk with a woman�s back pressed down on the keyboard, as the buttons made a strange electronic beeping noise which was an aphrodisiac to him. Pam was taken back, but turned on by the forth right discussion Jim had with his apparent fetish. She hoped that they would be naked in less than two hours. First a quick cocktail where Pam screen Jim with a series of predetermined questions that she gave to almost every man she ever met. It was both oral and visual as she measured his clothing, habits, and cleanliness. She also got into parents and carreer. Despite Jim�s over zealous love of keyboards and apparent habit of winking after a question, he seemed like fuckable material. And that�s what they did, as he spread her over a finally ridged set of plastic letter and numbers. He seemed proficient at the art of love making, but she worried this key board thing would get old after a few times. However, it wasn�t a light session and the keyboard seemed beyond repair after the first climax. Pam felt that Jim would forget all about those nasty keyboards once he had a taste of her. And he did. For the next two years Pam and Jim were side by side. Jim would take Pam on new adventures and get her caught up in the excitement of skydiving, or the thrill of sculpting. The problem was that Jim would try to become the best at whatever he did, and it because both a very expensive and very annoying habit. Pam wondered why Jim was unable to truly stick with anything. He seemed to give up on almost anything that he did after he felt he had reached a certain level, or she did a sufficient amount of nagging. After he practically toured with O-Town through the Midwest, she decided that they needed to end things. She realized that thought she loved the feeling of being with Jim; she didn�t love, and barely respected the person he was. She was also afraid that someday Jim might stop being obsessed with her, and she couldn�t handle that kind of rejection, despite her tepid feelings. �Listen Jim, this has gone on far too long� �Pam, no honey, I love you so much my legs ache when I see you. I can barley walk with out you.� �That�s the problem Jimmy. You need other things. You are empty. You keep trying to fill yourself up.� �I was full with you.� �You will burn me out just like everything else in your life.� �What about you. Don�t you love me.� �You idiot. That�s why I am here. That�s why I have been with you. Of course I love you, but you will stop loving me.� �You are lying. You are trying to put this on me. You don�t know anything about the love I have Pam. You think you are all perfect and normal. You are the freak here. So what if I don�t think I am complete. So what if I want to do things. What does that have to do with love?� �I am tired of this shit. It�s the same argument.� �No, answer me. I know you don�t love me. If you did, you wouldn�t be this cruel.� �FINE THEN JIM!!! Is that what you want me to say?� �No, Tell me how you feel, Ms. Perfection. You claim to have all these emotions and feelings that I am so vacant of. Tell me about them. Wow me with your ability to be in touch.� �I think that cruelest thing that we can do to each other is pretend that we were in love.� � �Jim, I don�t love you. I don�t know if I ever did. I loved things about you, but no you. There was nothing there. You were just like some infomercial, wasting all your time talking about one thing. There is no one behind the curtain, not even a boy. You are just empty. How can I love that?� �The only thing I know is how much I love you. How much I think about you and want you and dream of you. Oh god, don�t do this to me. You can�t be saying these things. When I am with you its like I am dancing on the sun. It�s like I can walk around the emptiness in me. Don�t do this. You have to stop, or else you are going to ruin me.� �You are right. We can�t talk anymore. All I am going to be doing is leading you on and hurting you. I know it hurts, but Jim, honey, you are going to be fine. I am sure you will find something else to fill the hole I am leaving.� �How can I replace love?� �You have to start by realizing it was never there.� | |||||||||||
