2003-08-20 - 10:55 a.m.

Gump's got his eye on the news!

GUMP�S GOT HIS EYE ON THE NEWS

Here are real news articals that will elaborate on

**bump bump bump***Cool music...bump bump badada**

Christians Beg Sniper to Stop killing people, and turn himself in. The Sniper saw the sign posted outside a local church and called the pastor to tell him; I am turning myself in. When they arranged the meeting for the sniper to surrender, the pastor discovered a new meaning to the term Holy.

Gump reports that this was no surprise to the congergation because the pastor was report to be a "very bad sign maker" since he used shorthand.

A Boston company is canonizing anyone who pays a fee of $2,400. When clients pass on, their name is added to the registry of saints, there are given a feast day, and a title is added to their names such as "Saint Chuck the Personable Accountant." The company said that this is a popular service because it increases their clients self esteem.

Gump thinks the church would be better off with a bake sale, since they are throwing a feast anyway. And I agree with mindquills on this one, how does it improve self esteem when they are dead?

Mary Maiffret works for eEye Digital Security, making sure computer networks aren�t hacked. But don�t call him the Vice President of Internet Security, or even Chief Security Officer. Her title: Chief Hacking Officer.

Everyone, it seems, wants to be chief, and chief executives are ready to share some accountability. General Electric, the parent company of CNBC, has a Chief Knowledge Officer, and Dell Computer has a Chief Ethics Officer.

Cisco has a Chief Demonstration Officer; Sun Microsystems has a Chief Competitive Officer, and IBM has a Chief Privacy Officer.

But when do you have too many chiefs?

Gump thinks you have too many chiefs when you don�t have enough Indians, but there are a billion Indians, so I think we will be okay for awhile.

New York put SURR into action in 1989 to help improve math and reading. So, an unintended consequence is that art and other classes like music, gym, science and social studies get cut or compromised to make the budget focus more on the core curriculum.

Gump thinks the solution is just get bad teachers. Boring and mean teachers are cheap, and the kids will slowly learn to draw from doodling in class to cope with the boredom. Also really mean teachers make kids run away, so that�s your gym class right there. As for social studies and science, screw them!!! I don�t care about botany, and I certain would rather not know where New Jersey is.

Bush Diagnosed With Attention-To-Deficit Disorder

WASHINGTON, DC�Pointing to massive war-time tax cuts, physicians from the Congressional Budget Office diagnosed President Bush with attention-to-deficit disorder Tuesday. "The president exhibits all the symptoms of ATDD: impulsiveness, restlessness, inability to focus on mounting U.S. debt likely to reach $400 billion by the year's end," Dr. Terrence Spellman said. "Failing to address his affliction could lead to serious long-term fiscal health problems for future generations of Americans." To treat the president's ATDD, Spellman prescribed Ritalin and an introductory course in high-school economics. ~The Onion

Gump Reports that this is a good idea, but since they cut the funding to advanced classes in school, george was only allowed to take the hybrid class for English and Home Economics known as Cooking: Chicken Soup for the Soul. He found the class to be both tasty and touching.

The NRA said that it needed faster helicopters It seems that NRA hunters have had a hard time of late being able to kill all the wildlife. Bob McCaw states, �Those damn Animailas keep running away.�

Bob, a native of West Virgina, has been unable to run for the past 20 years do to his immese size, however the NRA allows him use of a fully automatic weapon and a helicopter so that he doesn�t have to miss the pleasure of the hunt.

�It�s a really special feeling to sneak up on one of those damn animailas and blow it away. They just look so scared. But I can't get them all!!!"

However Bob does make an effort to get those "animalias."

Once my pilot and I got a bald eagle in the rotor of the heli. We were eating Eagle for weeks.�

Gump Reports that Bob should have been place in jail for the killing of our nation�s bird, but after the NRA paid to have the law removed, Bob and buddies declared it open season on America's national symbols.

New Yorkers are recovering from a two day loss of power through out the city. Many of the citizens in the area are thankful that the power has been restored wondering how they could go on living with out power were it not to be restored. They were also relieved to learn that the outage was in no way related to a terrorist attack. However, Dirk McKinny said, �That be a mighty fine trick for them terrorist to pull in the future. We would be fucked!!!� Though the exact reason has not been nailed down New York can sleep knowing that it will never happen again.

Gump reports that Baghdad is reeling from a 4 month power cut which - it�s thought - may have been caused by the US Military.

A recent study shows that older men develop mutant sperm Over the passage of time the male testicals produces less normal sperm and more mutated sperm. However it seems that the normal sperm loose out to the mutant sperm more because they seem to be more powerful. These mutations can lead to webbing of fingers, abnormal growth patterns, and some genetic diseases.

Gump reports that he will attempt to cook his balls in a microwave. He hopes that later in life his mutant sperm an edge and eventually will produce a child with blue skin that can teleport.

Boston emergency rooms are grappling with soaring numbers of mental patients this year as cuts in insurance for the poor, coupled with slashed services at community clinics, leave patients with few options but to show up at the nearest hospital.

One doctor says, �It�s just crazy�

Another says, �These retards should get a job�

Gump reports that the best suggested plan (by Gump) is to have the mental patience pretend to be the doctors and then treat the new mental patience. If they really are crazy, then they won�t see the blatant negligence, and it gets them out of the �normal� people�s hair, so the doctors are free to continue with the plastic surgery for Extream Makeover.

MSN is reporting the best way to cure tantrums is a three step process. Get a level head, remember that you are the adult, and use your size to stop the crying. The best results appear to have come from the belt.

Gump reports the second less conventional and publicized tactic is the giant snake method. Initial reports say that the children think that the snake is like Gump�s penis. They think that it is going to be slimy, but then they realize it just has scales.

And now a editorial. Advice on Public Speaking.

Speaking in public can be a nerve-wracking experience.

� Structure your speech to include a strong opening, a memorable conclusion, and at least six references to your wife sitting in the front row.

� Rehearse your speech in front of the mirror, if you are attractive.

� Imagining your audience naked is pass�. Imagine them weak, emotionally vulnerable, and thirsty for a peer-shared breakthrough.

� Kids, if you are preparing to give a class presentation, remember not to be fat.

� Public speaking is a lot like riding your bike: It's tiring, you get sweaty, and sooner or later you take an iron bar to the nuts.

� The first step to great speech-giving is great speech-writing. And the only way to master speech-writing is to enroll in one of the many speech-writing courses at Newbury College. Newbury, where your dreams come to life.

� It's probably best to leave unverified allegations that Saddam Hussein tried to obtain uranium from Africa out of your State Of The Union address.

� Your audience is just as afraid of you as you are of it. Don't make any sudden movements.

� Posture is important! When speaking, insert your left hand into your toga and extend your right hand toward the heavens.

� As a public speaker, you should always be given snacks before speaking. Make this clear to the audience as soon as you get on stage: No snacks, no speech.

� "Weird Al" Yankovic performs in front of large groups of strangers all the time. If that freak can do it, you ought to be able to manage.

� Remember, girls: Pear-shaped vowels, crisp consonants. Inhale through the nose, delivering the air to the diaphragm. Exhale in a graceful, circular movement. (This tip courtesy of Miss Eleanor Carlton, headmistress of Miss Carlton's Finishing Academy For Exemplary Young Women, established 1932.)

� The oldest, best-known public-speaking tip still applies: Shut the fuck up, jackass.

This has been GumpHood saying: "I got my eye on you!"

~Onion