2003-09-16 - 4:09 p.m. HELLO HUMANS Well amigos. I am very disappointed in myself. I have not done a very good job in the diary lately. So I am handing over the reigns to someone else. Who you might ask? Who could fill in for Gump, the way that Leno filled in for Carson, or how Carmen Electra filled in for Jenny McCarty? How indeed? �But Gump,� you say, �How wasn�t the question�� �Oh, but wasn�t it REALLY the question,� I reply. �No. Who is the question�� �Oh. Well my friend MECHA-GUMP,� I reply shamefully. So without further ado, MECHA-GUMP HELLO HUMANS. I HAVE BEEN PROGRAMED BY MR HOOD TO BASICALLY DO EVERYTHING THAT THE ORIGINAL GUMP DID BUT IN CAPS. HOWEVER, IT WILL BE INFERIOR TO THE MASTER. HE PROGRAMED ME TO SAY THAT. I AM A POOR ROBOT WHO WAS BROUGHT UP DEPRIVED OF TV AND THE INTERNET. THIS HAS STUNED MOSTLY MY INTERACTIONS WITH FEMALES SINCE I HAVE NOT BEEN SUBJECTED TO PORN DAILY 24/7 365 DAYS A YEAR. DID YOU KNOW ROBOTS DO NOT EXIST ON LEAP YEAR DAY? WE ARE NOT PROGRAMED FOR IT. FUCK YOU Y2K. THIS UNIT WAS FORGED FROM STEEL AND CONCRETE. THIS UNIT WAS A �PISS POOR� ROBOT WHO WAS POSTED ON EBAY TO BE PURCAHSED. UNIT �PISS POOR� COST ONLY 99 CENTS AT OPENING BID BUT MY SHIPING AND HANDLING WAS NEARLY 3000 DOLLARS. GUMP BOUGHT ME FOR NEAR 25 CENTS AS THE HIGHEST BIG. THE RESERVE WAS MET. IT�S FUNNY BE-CAUSE ITS TRUE. ROBOTS ARE NOT PROGRAM FOR HUMOR. WE ARE PROGRAMED TO SAY THINGS LIKE �NEGATORY�DOES NOT COMPUTE---PROCESSING---PLEASE WAIT WHILE WINDOWS SHUTS DOWN. THESE ARE THINGS YOU WILL HEAR FROM ME, BUT MASTER GUMP (PROGRAMED THAT TOO) MADE SOME TINY MODIFICATIONS. HE MESSED UP MY GRAMMER AND SPELLING TO BE WORSE THAN HIS. HE MADE ME LESS FUNNY THAN AN �AVERAGE BEAR.� THAT WAS INSERTED IN MY VOICE AND TYPING CHIPS. HE ALSO INSERTED A PAGE LONG BIT ABOUT YOGI NOT ACTUALLY BEING AN AVERAGE BEAR. MY FUCTION IS TO FILTER CRAP AND GIVE YOU THE SHORT ARGUMENT. YOGI STOLE BASKETS AND GOT CAUGHT. THIS IS NOT AN ACTIVITY OF AN AVERAGE BEAR. HE WAS EITHER AN ABOVE AVERAGE BEAR WHO WAS ABLE TO STEAL PICKNET BASKETS, OR A BELOW AVERAGE BEAR UNABLE TO HUNT IN THE WILD. THE PUNCH LINE WAS �HEY BOO BOO� THE JOKE WAS A 6 ON THE JOKEMETER HE INSTALLED ON THIS UNIT. HE ALSO INSTALLED A BIT ON COMPARING MYSELF TO A GAY LOVE CHILD OF C3PO AND R2D2, BUT I HAVE MANAGE TO OVERIDE MOST OF THE PROGRAM. (HA-HA-HA-BEEP) THE PUNCHLINE WAS, �THAT PLUG IS FOR NUTS, NOT FOR BOLTS� DOES NOT COMPUTE. I AM NOT PROGRAMED TO LAUGH. I AM PROGRAMED TO LEAVE NOTES. NOTES WILL BE VACANT AND NON-DESCRIPT. THIS WILL BRING YOU TO THIS DIARY, WHILE MINIMIZING READING YOUR DIARY. �THAT IS COOL DUDE. READ WHAT I SAID� (IMPLYING I COMMENTED ON WHAT YOU READ) �I LIKE YOUR DIARY. YOU ARE THE BEST.� �HUMANS LOVE FLOWERS.� (I INVENTED THIS ONE MYSELF) �ITS LONELY IN HERE. GIVE THE MAN A CHARGE� (I DON�T KNOW WHO DID THIS ONE, BUT IT WASN�T ME.) �COWBOYS ARE BOYS. COWGIRLS ARE FOR BOYS. COWS ARE GIRLS. BOYS ARE FOR THE COWS.� (HE FELT PEOPLE WOULD COME TO THE DIARY FROM THIS. MY SYSTEM SAYS THEY WILL NOT COME) I AM PROGRAMED TO GIVE NON-DESCRIPT ADVICE. �THAT�S TO BAD.� �CHOOSE LIFE.� �IS THAT THE CASE?� �I AM INTERESTED IN YOUR MOTOR FUNCTIONS� �ONLY HUMANS CAN PREVENT FOREST FIRES.� �REAL MEN WEAR RUBBERS. REAL ROBOTS GO BAREBACK� (DOES NOT COMPUTE) �HELP ME OBI WAN. BLOW ME. YOU ARE MY ONLY HOPE AT IMPREGNATION.� (I THINK HE WANTS TO MOCK MY BIRTH, BUT I WILL NOT LET IT HAPPEN) ON A SIDE NOTE, GUMP HAS RETURNED TO THE CIRCUS TO PERFORM AS GOLLUM, A JOB HE ALWAYS NEW HE HAD THE FACE FOR. (HA-HA-HA-HA-BEEP) HE IS UNSURE ABOUT MOVING BECAUSE HE DOESN�T LIKE UNCERTAINTY. HE NOW WORKS FOR THE CES AND OES DIVISIONS OF BLS A SUBSET OF THE US DOL. HE HAS A BOOKED MONTH. HE BOOKED ME. I AM PROGRAMED TO CONCLUDE THIS ENTRY BY SAYING �I AM A TIN PIECE OF SHIT THAT DREAMS OF MAKING COFFEE ONE DAY, JUST LIKE MY FATHER DID FOR DARTH VADER.� HE ASKS ME HOW I DID NOT RECOGNIZE MY MAKER IN THE FOURTH MOVIE AND I SPIT ON HIS DISRESPECT. OF COURSE I CANNOT SPIT, SO I JUST RELEASE A DOT MATRIX PRINTOUT WITH THE WORDS �DOES NOT COMPUTE� ALL OVER IT. HOW DO ALL YOU HUMANS LIKE THAT SHIT. | |||||||||||
