2004-12-29 - 1:42 p.m. Double Sequels What happens when your movie is so bad that it demands a sequel? The sad thing is that this actually happens. I don�t have a punch line. It doesn�t seem logical, but it seems sometimes Hollywood has movies so bad they need a sequel. I wrote about the movie Boa vs Python where the star of Boa ( the boa ) and the star of Python and Python 2 ( again, the python ) meet to fight in a city, in a CGI terror which I can only describe as � well � movie making at its finest. It got me to thinking. Hollywood has this unwritten rule that if a movie grosses more than �X� and cost less than �Y� then a sequel gets made. This is unless the sequel is just utterly impossible. Think American Beauty 2: The Yellow Rose. Fight Club 2? Se7en 2: Ei8ht. (Sounds like a ball game score more than a move) I think the plot of Fight Club 2 would be like the fake plot to �the three� in adaptation where Norton gets possessed by a demon, and Tyler works with it and Norton against it. God that would suck� But there are some movies that DO in fact have sequels that shouldn�t. Take the movie �Underworld� where Vampires fight Werewolves. In this movie the werewolves use anabolic steroids meanwhile the vampires are from the matrix. The sequel is green lit. Why? Why not. The trailer had a freaking vampire fighting with a whip in it. Only Indian Jones has used a whip and made it cool. That�s the first and last time. ( maybe Zorro ) There was a saying about really good athletes that goes �you can�t stop them, you can only hope to contain them.� I can�t stop bad movies. But maybe I can contain them. I suggest that instead of producing one half-ass script, that we get teams from two different movies together to create 1 script for two bad sequels. Two-half-ass scripts is a whole ass, if I do my numbers correctly. This was used for Alien vs Predator. No one was going to see Alien 5 and Predator 3. This is why they did Freddy vs Jason. This is why I talked about Boa vs Python. ( Maybe this is why they did Kramer vs Kramer ) Do you really think that anyone will care/notice if we make Underworld 2 and Van Helsing 2 into one big sequel monster movie? Will either movie get worse? Newsflash: It can�t This would really cut down of a lot of the Hollywood crap out there. This is consolidation people. I am doing the world a favor. Okay, so let�s think. Never Been Kissed 2 ( which would have been �Been Kissed Once� ) and Varsity Blues 2 could be formed into Varsity Kiss. Tagline: She�s only been kissed once. He�s never fucked a cheerleader. Different worlds keep them apart, but sex brings them together. Then maybe Speed 3, and Miss Congeniality 2. Agent Miss Speed. Can you even remember what Sandra Bullock name was in Speed? Just make her, after the tragedy in the boat and the bus, become and FBI agent, and have to ride a really fast Jet Ski during the Miss Universe contest. And would anyone care? Couldn�t Jersey Girl and Gigli been the same movie? Gigli Girl. Great title. Would anyone bat an eye? Men in Black 2 and Jurassic Park 4. � Black park or Men in Jurassic Park. I think Agent K and J could battle some dinosaurs and we wouldn�t really care. �J, that T-rex is an alien!� �Whatever, lets jump in our computer animated car and fly to the moon, because dinasours can�t breathe on the moon.� �Brilliant!� Blade 4 and Daredevil 2 -- The tagline could be �Do you want to play Blade or Dare?� Or �Pointless CGI fights has never been so ruckus.� I think that my ideal job in life is to come up with taglines to movies. I think that I could really excel at this, and only this. I think most movies can be summed up in one clever line. Lake Placid � More Croc, Less Talk. Battlefield Earth � Expect the worse: You won�t be disappointed. The Crying Game � It�s like masturbating about your Mom. The Austin Powers 4 : Mission Impossible 3 collaboration � Spy vs Werid Guy Overall I think my point is I have been fairly disappointed by the pure CRAP that gets thrown into theaters. But there is hope. Check out this trailer which pretty much has everything I could hope for in a movie, starting with Jessica Alba | |||||||||||
