2003-06-16 - 2:57 p.m. Dilemma Public Bathrooms are not clean places. Ladies, you know this better than us guys do, because while the urinal is a filthy, filthy piece of porcelain I don�t think anything will ever compare to the feminine products that I have heard get put god knows where. Frankly, this is one thing I can miss But that being said the male bathroom still lacks cleanliness. Lacks isn�t the word. It resists cleanliness. I like that better. The biggest difference besides the urinal is the ability for women to hover. Now this is something that I cannot accomplish. Here is the story: It�s after lunch and I am at work. Work bathrooms are somewhere in-between McDonalds Bathrooms and ritzy restaurant bathrooms. They are dirty, not filthy. People use the hell out of them, but they get cleaned. Note none of these are as bad as the bathrooms at concerts which are raised holes where pissing is suggested. However, we all know where it ends up. At Great Woods, the local outdoor amphitheater here are these sinks are circular and are trough-like. They are always mistaken for unique urinals. I see people pissing in them all the time. I just wonder what runs through their head when they go to wash their hands. Probably, �Why would I wash my hands, where�s the beer.� And girls you know these places. Why, cause I see more girls in our bathrooms than in the female bathrooms. �Cause the line is shorter� Well, I pity you girls. I pity that you have to enter that kinda of cock den. Hell, I get a little nervous in those settings. Just a note these grounds for body extrusions are just barley one step above Port-a-potties. These are plastic vessels of human disease. What makes it worse is the sun always cooks them, so they are sauna�s of crap. I just love those things. A kid in High School named �Beef� lost his virginity in one of those things. I don�t care who it was, I would rather screw for the first time in the middle of a highway, than in one of those pits. I hope one of his friends snickered and asked him �Where�s the beef?� Back to my point. Today at work I came upon this situation. I was faced with minimal toliet paper, and two options. (maybe three) 1) Create a Paper seat of tissue to protect between me and the rim. Minimal TP for wipeup. 3 plies at most. 2) Save the paper in case of disaster, (you know what I mean) and take the bare seat to seat contact. 3) Hover. Okay. None of these are desirable. But I figured that if girls could do it, hell, I could too. So I tried, about 3 inches off the seat. I even had the handicap handles. I just gasped at how hard this was. How did girls do this drunk? I then, after about 60 seconds of stabilization, began to �see a man about a wallaby.� (thanks Nemo) About 10 seconds into it, I could no longer sustain the concentration required for this feat. The best word I can use to describe what happened next would be that I �Plunked� onto the seat. This action resulted in two reactions. ---This first was the sudden dislodging of the before mentioned Wallaby. ---The Second was the Cannonball effect of the before mentioned Wallaby�s plummet. Regardless to say all plies were used in the disaster. I managed to use everyone to its fullest extent. I won�t go into the details. But what I will say is that this entry was already much too graphic. Anyway as I washed my hands, which thankfully we had soap, I was not pleased with my decision making process. I was thinking this as two things occurred. The first is my hands were becoming dry. The second is my realization that I was, in fact, using our fully stocked carton of paper towels to dry my hands. As I tossed them into the basket, I couldn�t help mocking myself. | |||||||||||
