2003-12-23 - 4:12 p.m. Christmas Traditions: Part 2 Christmas Traditions: Part 2 Gump Was thinking. (I get Satan eyes when I think) What in the world is Christmas all about? I know the story, I mean I�m ALIVE aren�t I. You start with Baby Jesus. Then Three wise men follow a star and are wise. Actually the wise men are kinda pointless. They give Jesus, gold, a frankfoot, and muir. What the heck is Muir. If someone gave me Muir for Christmas I would shit a brick. So then someone St. Nick got the idea of giving presents�for Jesus�s birthday. Listen up Fuckers�if anyone gives EACH other presents on MY birthday, there is gonna be a shit storm that will make diving in a mud pit seem like washing your ass with Tonic Water. But, what the fuck happened that made Christmas so big? It�s way too out of whack. I mean sandwiched in-between Thanksgiving and New Years, Christmas just seems out of place. New Years is the party, Thanksgiving is the point at which we stuff ourselves. Christmas is like this crazy eating/parting/gift giving thing. And it�s the BIG holiday. I mean you know when 7-11 closes it�s gotta be big. I ended up figuring out that 7-11 has locks on its door only for Christmas, since it�s open every other HOUR of the year. Then the Christmas tree. I have a ghetto one. It kinda looks like this: But whose idea was it to bring a living tree into the house and decorate it. Why not just hang some snowflakes off of a coat hanger�good lord. It�s like the whole fucken country goes mad for a month. Gotta get the shopping down, tree up, eggnog ready, decorations up, wax the dog, get the Christmas boxers, grab the milk and cookies. Actually in my house we didn�t do milk and cookies cause my dad�s diabetic and no one drinks milk in my house. So unless I wanted my dad to drop dead, we did carrots and Diet Coke. The excuse was �Santa�s getting fat, and reindeers get hungry too.� I objected saying the reindeers couldn�t eat, cause then they would poop and people could �trail them.� Note to Self: Some prank involving a young child, and reindeer poop. This could be huge Though I have to compliment the original Santa liar. He didn�t go with Polar Bears, the obvious North Pole choice, and he didn�t make up something like Magical Unicorns (not those NORMAL unicorns ??). Reindeer were a good choice. But in the end I am left in a winter wonderland listening to Carolers who should be at home (there�s a terror alert you know) and an empty wallet hoping my gift suck so I can return them and pay rent. But even I, the Grinch of the East, have a permeable soul to the Christmas cheer. It gets to me, occasionally, the fake cocco induced happiness that is �the holidays.� I have to admit that sometimes I buy into it. My family and I, decorate the tree and put the bulbs and the ornaments on, and then the star on top. We nixed the outdoor lights because my Dad couldn�t handle doing them. He would grow far too angry. Then we do gifts on Christmas Eve, and off to the Grandparents for Christmas Day. I do feel like a kid again on these days, and I suppose that�s the point, until I become the adult�and give my children Christmas, starting traditions of my own. Like freaking out on the bushes when one light burns out. Or getting really drunk playing beer bong instead of buy presents. Shit�Gotta run. | |||||||||||
