2003-05-19 - 3:37 p.m. Personal Ad If I ever decided to take out a personal ad, I would want it to be funny. But here�s the problem. Weird is a magnet for weird. It doesn�t repel weirdness. Like. If I posted something that said: **************** Single White male seeking love mate. A mate because she will be first mate on my pirate ship of love. I am into sailing, peg legs, parrots, and spice rum. I hate landlubbers. So if your ready for your maiden voyage, say �Ahoy� to Single white pirate. ********************** Note: I find this very amusing. I am chuckling right now. But the problem is that weird attracts weird. What do I mean by that. That means that hot chick looking for a guy sees that and goes. Ahoy freakzilla! No thank you. In the personal ads people reply with there own personal ad, which doesn�t mean they like you, but they are just kinda putting up there. So that being said, after a weekend posting I would expect to get this in my inbox on Monday ****************** White female, driven, and looking to mate. I hate eight tendrils and a beak. I am not a Syrin calling you to come, but rather a giant squid ready to cling to you with my barnacle like suction cups.. I am up for many oceanic adventures, as long as there is a lot of plankton feeding and fish gulping. I am wet and willing to board you ship of love. Permission to slither aboard. ********************* I am a female looking for you. I have a tattoo of the sea on my chest. I am willing to get all seven seas tattooed on me, if that�s a requirement for boarding the love boat. I have my passport. I have lots of cats. Are cats welcome on the open sea? My sister lost her left ear to scurvy. I faired all right from it as well. I don�t care how you feel about your mother. ************************ So this is what you are left with. Cat lady, and Giant Squid. Now. Giant squid could be a funny attractive female who is just really clever, like me. But, she could also be a giant squid female. Fish gulping�that could be really good. Or really, really bad. What if she asks to see you at a haborside restaurant. Are you going to go? What if she stands you up? The squid lady would have stood you up. What if she is the squid lady? She might eat the whole restaurant looking to mate. And if she is an incredibly attractive female, and shows up, you are going to be too worried about being stood up or eaten to act normal. Plus she may actually be looking for the pirate. And who wants a lady looking for a pirate man. And then there is cat lady, who is clearly desperate and disfigured. There is no doubt that she has replied to every email ever, trying to find a mate. She clearly has a third arm coming out of her head. And while you might be thinking �!BONUS in the sack!� Let it be know that this is not a good thing. Also; She doesn�t care what I think about my mom?!!? Yeah. Desperate. So weird is out. So let�s try truth.
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I am a single white male in my early 20�s looking for a foxy someone to take out on the town. I work for the federal government. I live with my parents. I like movies, trivia, books, beer, and having fun. I have an online journal. Its scary that the only think that separates me and Cliff Claven is an online journal.
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Anyway, I put my heart out there and wait. Monday I check my in box and I get 4 replies. ************************* Are you satisfied with your level of dissatisfaction towards your life? Do you discount astrology yet read your horoscope religiously? Are you looking for a woman who will fulfill your every desire? I am not that woman, but I will gladly prepare you to know that woman when you do meet her. ******************************** Single White female who is just looking for love. I haven�t found it yet, but someday I hope to meet it. Love. I will meet love. And not in an alley, put in my open arms. If that happens to be in an ally�.so be it. But I suspect it won�t be since I stay away from Allies. I am single. Religion unimportant. *************************** Single, 25, smoker. I am about to burst. I need sex and cigarettes, but Boston is both smoke and sex free apparently. Didn�t get the memo. Looking for someone else who didn�t either. You might be the guy. ***************************** I am a female looking for you. I have a tattoo of the sea on my chest. I am willing to get all seven seas tattooed on me, if that�s a requirement for boarding the love boat. I have my passport. I have lots of cats. Are cats welcome on the open sea? My sister lost her left ear to scurvy. I faired all right from it as well. I don�t care how you feel about your mother. ** ********* ********** I suddenly feel sorry for crazy disfigured lady, who apparently put all her cards in the pirate man deck. But despite my sorrow, she still had that third arm. The first lady did nothing but confuse me. Is mystery intriguing in a movie. Yes. Is mystery intriguing in a personal ad? No. If I said I was a tall dark stranger, and I will meet you when the clock strikes 11, you would be terrified. Crazy Horoscope/Hatehoroscope lady is out. That leaves the uber-confused sexpot #2, and Smoker #3 I choose the confused girl, and I will tell you why. But first why I didn�t choose the Smoker. First, smoking doesn�t mean the girl is good looking. The only drug that guarantees attractiveness is cocaine. Ugly people don�t do cocaine.
That being said, she looks like a guaranteed lay, but I think the pirate would have taken that, but honest Cliff Claven is looking for love too. Plus she was very forward and would be way to experienced for Cliff. I have seen her heart. And she is the black widow, with a black heart of emphysema. That leaves the confused timid girl looking for love and wrote a quick desperate personal. This is a positive because it means she didn�t spend much time on this, and that means she probably a person who avoid personal. That makes her cool. With this little information and giant blanket assumptions, she is the girl I choose. I decided to compose and email and send it. ********************** Dear Lady, I am kinda awful, but I want to meet you. You sent me your personal ad, which is cool. I chose you over the Squid girl. I think we could get to know each other. I would like to eat with you. I know this place. Its in an alley�.HAHAA LOL. Oh God. Long John Silver ******************** When I go to email her back I notice that her email is the same as mine. Suddenly I remember that I posted as a girl over the weekend when I was drunk. I am left with the queasy feeling that I am naturally attracted to myself. | |||||||||||
