2003-11-21 - 9:26 a.m. A survey thats totally True. First and Lasts *First Kiss: I suppose that it was with �me-. See, one day, when I was younger I looked at this boy in the mirror, and I thought�no�I knew; there was never going to be a boy I would rather kiss than myself. I made out with that mirror for at least 30 minutes until my mom pulled me off and gave me a bath, followed by a cold shower. Damn that was sexy. *First REAL kiss: I thought I just wrote about it� I guess I will talk about my first kiss with a girl. I was 19, she was 71. Grandma had been looking a little down ever since her cat died. I decided that it was time for me to become a man, and for her to become a woman. I think she thought I was going in for a peck, but let it put it this way boys�I lead with the tongue. *First Job: I was a snake herder at the age of 14. It�s a tough job, but only children are small enough to do it. Plus, they told me that my young immune system would be an advantage in fighting off the poison. I had to obtain a working permit, and though I couldn�t get it in New Hampshire, good old Maine came through with the blatant disregard for my safety. I was bit only once. On my left cheek... The folks at the farm had a nickname for me. Those lovable bastards used to call me �Crazy.� *First screen name: Well it should have been �FlamingMandingatits� but that was already taken. So I changed it to �Flamingmandingatits69� *First self-purchased album: Mandinga Tits plays the hits, by Willy Nelson. *First funeral: That would have to be my own. It was a big misunderstanding. It turns out I just had really bad gas. *First pets: Well, I had a lobster name �Clampy the Sea-spiting Cheek Monster,� but my dad cooked him before I had time to take him for a walk. So I guess it would be my grandmother after I made out with her. � We are talking first thing I pet right? *First piercing: My first and last was the head of my penis. Cause really folks�where do I go from there? *First true love: My first love was �technically� Clampy the Sea Spiting Cheek Monster, but once he was dead my �sea spit� heart moved on to another. Florence Headsome. Though mock by the other children for being a very �Headsome� girl, I loved her and her strange ways. More about her later. *First big trip: Me and the Ms Headsome went to Franklin Park Zoo, and looked at the apes. This was a big trip cause it was the first time Ms. Headsome could be with her own kind. No No, I didn�t date an Ape, just a girl that LOOKED like an ape. I also saw a giraffe poop, and ate cotton candy. Or was it a giraffe that saw cotton candy, and me that ate poop. Either way I remember it like it was yesterday. *First musician you remember hearing in the house: Music was forbidden because the cult that we belonged to. It was apparently devil music. All music was devil music. All the devil liked was music. The weird part was that we kinda worshipped the devil�I don�t think anyone thought that out� Anyway, one time my father did bring home a musical artist called Eagle Eye Cherry. He sang some song about Saving a Knife or something, and my father stabbed him to death, as is our way. The weirdest part was, nobody noticed that Eagle Eye was dead. I mean, the blood was a good clue, but he was on our floor for like a week before Dad called his record label to come pick him up. Apparently they didn�t pick him up. So we buried him in the dumpster behind Costco. And by bury I mean stuck a label on him that said �clearance.� *Last big car ride: A dodge Dart. *Last kiss: Well my Headsome girlfriend was also my last girlfriend. I used to have to make out with her dog before going down on her cause I have no saliva glands, and the dog�s juices were used for lubrication. Of course, she had me make out with the dog before she announced that she was breaking up with me. Oh and she announced that the dog had just eaten it�s own poop. *Last good cry: WHY GOD WHY!!!! *Last movie seen: Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. I watch it everymorning before I give a drop of blood to Satan. I love the part when Dick Van Dike sings �Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.� It�s like 2-dimensional magic. *Last food consumed: I suppose that you are thinking I am going to say something like Eagle Eyes foot, or a giraffe�s cotton candy poop. Nope. The last thing I ate was just like something I saw in the movie. In Indiana Jones and the temple of doom, they eat monkey brains. Well I ate an ape like brain. I ate Ms. Headsome�s brain, cause if the bitch is dumb enough to make me make out with Doggie Poopy Tounge, she�s gotz to get her brains eaten. Cause and Effect you dumb shit monkey faced good with mustard bitch. *Last phone call: To the internet to make this post. Of course, I could have used my �one phone call� time better than filling out this stupid survey. A lawyer perhaps. *Last tv show watched: When AnimalsTape themselves having sex 7; Gotta love the fine producers at Fox. *Last shoes worn: I have metal feet, due to a wish that went awary with Satan. I asked for an tasty girlfriend, a Petal bed sheet, and play dough. Satan�s hearing must be going because I got a Gay makeover, and metal feet. The only one he came through on was the tasty girlfriend. And the gay makeover wasn�t so bad. But my eyelashes are huge now. Everytime I blink I fear that I will never open my eye again. *Last cd played: Sleepless in Seattle. *Last item bought: I just bought an anal protector for here in jail. It sits in my anus and is basically two razorblades that cross. It does two things for me. The first is slice any thing going in which is Tre useful, and the second is make my poop look like Jello Giggalars on the way out. Maybe not those, but wouldn�t those be yummy right now? *Last disappointment: When Justin and Britney broke up. I thought those crazy kids were going to make it. *Last soda drunk: I don�t get drunk off of soda usually But if I did, let me tell you, It would be Mountain Dew Code red for me. (if anyone can tell me what that meant, I�ll give them a quarter) (not a real quarter either�a cyberspace quarter) (that isn�t worth anything) (not like those cyberspace dimes that are all dancing around yelling, HA HA quarters � where�s the party at now? God I hate them.) *Last ice cream: When I jacked off into the Freezer at the Super Stop and Shop. Just so you know�you don�t have to pay a sperm back to house your little daddies. The supermarket will do it for free. You just got hide it somewhere where no one will ever go. Like behind Mama Celestes Four Cheese Pizza. *Last shirt worn: A shirt that says, �Worst Question to End a Survey Ever� | |||||||||||
