2003-05-07 - 3:41 p.m. Template This is my new template. I feel that I should explain why I choose this one. I chose this because Shelly loves Shag and introduced me to Shag�s artwork. So this entry is for us. Shelly. This entry is dedicated to you, because I have whispered about you too much. I love Shelly. This is something that makes me warm and makes me feel alive. Shelly has been the mast for my sail, and the oxygen in my blood. For the first year of our relationship we were freshman in college not looking to get a steady girl/boy, but we found each other. It wasn�t storybook, it was real and hard, which makes the present that much more momentous. After a confusing freshman year, we parted ways for the summer and I went back to my hometown. I made a mistake the summer of not understanding what the relationship between Shelly and myself was. I did not think that we were broken up, but I didn�t know the rules of interaction of a long distance summer relationship. I decided to honor our relationship for the summer and when I returned to school see where it would go. This was my bad decision because Shelly felt closer to me that summer when we left, and expected more from our long distance summer relationship. While I was off with my friends, she wondered why I wasn�t calling. I still hurt from doing this. To make things worse I never really brought her up to my friends that summer. They didn�t know about her until much later. So then Shelly and I went back to school and after a lot of realization and apologizing on my part, I explained myself and apologize for my actions. I think that she forgave me because my intent was not to hurt her, but in fact my hurtful actions were due to my personal ignorance. That summer taught me to realize that in a relationship, things aren�t always even. That�s what you go for, equality. But sometimes one person is playing, and the other is waiting. In a relationship the person who is happier must take care of the other to make sure there isn�t resentment in the relationship. That is to say that in a true relationship, one person shouldn�t be happy unless the other is also happy. Helping comes first, and that leads to trust and happiness. Shelly helped me the year of Graduate school despite the fact that I was a bear, and she was going through a rough time as well. Between my irregular sleeping habits, extreme self-induced stress, and hectic schedule, she managed to be a calming force. I highly doubt that a single �Mr. Gump� could have gotten through that year. She has shown me nothing but kindness and tolerance. In return, over the six years we have dated, I hoped that I have only been a positive person in her life. I am unhappy if I am not able to be there for her. To both celebrate and endure pain with her. The second summer, I tried to improve, and I thought that I did. However, since it had been nearly two years of dating, I made another blunder. I didn�t tell my friends. I was embarrassed from the previous year, and selfishly didn�t wish to explain myself. They weren�t fools though, and managed to figure it out. I have a difficult time talking about love and my feelings towards girls. Towards my relationships. I try not to talk about them. At least to my friends. I think because love is such a strange emotion, that it�s hard to talk about. To highlight the point, this is the first entry I have made in regards to love, but I feel like I would be shortchanging myself to not tell you about Shelly. I have regretted things that I have done, because I have hurt her over these six years, but I treasure our relationship. The first time I told someone I felt like I had been released. I love her. Saying that now exhilarates me. I feel like I can fly. I feel like jumping from a cliff into the warm summer ocean. I let the water circle me and hold me in its embrace. The water is all around me. I feel warm and comfortable; free. I can see the edge of the earth from the ocean. I realize love IS transcendence. I dream of giving my heart away. | |||||||||||
