2006-03-10 - 2:46 p.m.

Insane People can be Secret Agents Too.

I'm actually a secret agent. I killed two people with my bare hands last night.

The sad part about me telling you this isn't that I have to kill you � its that I have to kill you quickly. See as a spy most of the on the job pleasure I derive comes mostly from long drawn out deaths. In training I was told were I ever to become a super villain, this secret love would be my ultimate demise.

See there is a pleasure in knowing your victim died even through they could have easily escaped.

I trust guards like I trust hemorrhoids. I don't want them around. The problem with guards is that they get paid. If they get paid more now they go from guards to assassins. This leaves me with two real options. The first is to pay them a lot and for the weak ass job they do this isn't viable. Or go guardless.

I've heard of this "loyalty" thing where if I save someone's life they are loyal to me�but I don't buy it. Everyone's got a price.

My price is like Two Weeks Pay Plus 1500 dollars. I would most likely give an assassin information to kill my boss of 1500 dollars. This price might seem low, but the assassin�s gonna find a buyer somewhere right?

Plus then I can get this Grand-Am I�ve always had my eye on.

Here at the agency new government protocal has forced us to adopted the rules of equality. Lets just say the "special needs" agents aren't really up to snuff. Sure they have retard strength, and can take alot of bullets, but they aren't really "undercover" agents. I just rather have Agent Cody Banks, than Corky Banks.

See being a secret agent isn't like being James Bond. I�m on salary. I have a feeling James Bond wasn�t on Salary. Can you imagine him making out his expense account? �James you have to save your recites!�

Nope its not as glamorous as the movies I know, but never the less that license to kill thing is pretty fun. Its like a license to drive though � you can�t drive a 120 and smash into three cops without getting a ticket. Hookers and Black people are fair game. But you kill a white person and you�re in jail for like three weeks.

However, most the killin�s done on Foreign Soil or in San Francisco � so no one really cares. I�ll tell you� I once killed four Russian people once (because I got confused and didn�t know that Chenybol was supposed to be called an accident. Right�middle of the cold war a nuclear plant just blows up. Sure�accident). Anyway, so I killed them and then tossed some jeans at them and they killed each other. The living ones. I don�t think they have undead in Russia.

Anyway I don�t go to Russia anymore because they might have undead and I like my blue jeans.

I think the moral of the story is: If the government gave me a better car, I wouldn�t have to sleep with so many hookers.

before - After

13 comments so far