Gump's Hood

2003-11-24 - 2:52 p.m.

My father was laid off

Before - After

The following is a mix between an email I actually sent my girlfriend , my own thoughts, and a song.

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My Dad was laid off from work on Friday at the age of sixty. It was something that had effected me deeply.

There is something about seeing your father, your lifelong caretaker, be left loose in the wind without a job and to fend for himself. That something is sadness.

Fred sits alone at his desk in the dark

There's an awkward young shadow that waits in the hall

He's cleared all his things and he's put them in boxes

Things that remind him: 'Life has been good'

Dear Shelly,

I am getting emotional. This will probably catch you off guard, but this is hard for me to say, and I don't know if this how to do it, but I think that I should tell you because I don't often say how I feel. I know that. I am sorry.

Twenty-five years

He's worked at the paper

A man's here to take him downstairs

And I'm sorry, Mr. Jones

It's time

When I was younger, during the 80�s, was the last time that my bad was laid off. He had saved a good deal of money and was able to survive for that extended period of joblessness. But I know that he is a man raised during the 50�s and was taught that work is a part of what it means to be a man. He must be the provider. He must be the rock of the family. To be otherwise only creates depression and guilt. Feelings of uselessness. And despite the fact that he is not useless, the confidence of a man once employed is extinguished by the insult of being laid off.

I think I am really upset about my dad getting laid off. The first time it happened it really upset me, and I think it really gave me a lot off the money compulsive things that I have today. I am just so sad, so angry, and so upset that I am having a harder than normal time both acting normally and trying to contain my emotions.

I am also scared, because things have changed. On the very same day that my father was laid off, I was given my first raise.

I hesitated to tell my parents, because I wanted to avoid my feelings of guilt and possibly his feelings of jealousy.

However, as with many times in my life, I was wrong and he seemed to be happy and proud about the news.

There was no party, there were no songs

'Cause today's just a day like the day that he started

Noone has left here that knows his first name

And life barrels on like a runaway train

Where the passengers change

They don't change anything

You get off; someone else can get on

I feel like I am going to burst, and it's really frightening for me. I try so hard to maintain a level of dignity and composure, but I am afraid that today I may not be able to do it. That scared the hell out of me.

I suppose this is the way life goes. It�s sad though to se him is so much pain. Can you imagine telling your kid that you were unemployed? That you would be unable to provide. This right after I moved out. This right before Christmas.

And I'm sorry, Mr. Jones

It's time

I am going to make it through work, but I think I might have to see you tonight. Unfortunately, I don't think that I will be this open then. I know I will suppress what I am feelings, but I wanted you to know what I am feeling in case I am unable to tell you�or express it to you.

And sometimes I wonder what I can do to help. I feel useless and helpless as well. I want to give back to the man who gave me so much, but right now I have so very little. Probably over the past year I am currently at my lowest after spending on the apartment.

Streetlight shines through the shades

Casting lines on the floor, and lines on his face

He reflects on the day

The apartment that I selfishly spent my money on. For better or for worse, the money I spent I wish I could take back.

In fact even now as I am writing to you I have regained a control over my emotions and I am debating sending this. I already feel the shame and embarrassment from going through this. I know I have to settle down and think things out, but the burst of emotions are very bad. I don�t think that I should send this to you.

But I wonder if my help would make him happier or sadder. I suppose I am not his equal, at least in his mind yet. He is growing towards the later half of his life, and I am rising to the beginning of mine. I can�t imagine that he would want me to help him. I don�t think he would want to burden me.

Fred gets his paints out and goes to the basement

Projecting some slides onto a plain white

Canvas and traces it

Fills in the spaces

He turns off the slides, and it doesn't look right

But I have been a burden for so long

Yeah, and all of these bastards

Have taken his place

He's forgotten but not yet gone

And yet I sit here helpless, confused and sad. I feel empty and lonely. I feel a slight twinge of despair.

And I'm sorry, Mr. Jones

I am sure nothing like he is feeling