2004-01-07 - 3:38 p.m. The Keys to writing a Flat Entry The Keys to writing a Flat Entry The Flat entry. This is the dread of diaryland. You know that you have written them. In fact, I would say that most diaries written mostly are consumed with the flat entry. What I am going to do is write about them, and hopefully help you, and me, avoid these dreaded braggarts. Step 1 In no way can you be in a mood to write an entry. The entry has to feel like a chore at some point while writing it. Usually you are doing it so you have an entry for that day so that people will actually read your diary and not take you off their list for such flatless warriors like Unclebob or Kate Hatchet (hehe). The entry usually beings in this way: So I was sitting around � Yes. It�s an entry written cause you were doing nothing, and this mean the entry likewise will be about nothing. Good Job. Step 2 You gotta be boring. Nothing you say can be unique, and you have to make sure that you have read it in others people�s diaries a 1000 times and probably in your own as well. So I was trying to update about (insert seemingly more interesting topic here) when diaryland lost my ENTIRE entry. I can�t believe it. I spent so long on it. Blah. or perhaps you will talk about your day. So at work today this girl was like, what the hizzi, and I said, �oh that�s the dumbest word ever� but in my head, not outloud, cause she�s a bitch Actually that was a little too interesting� I was studying for my political science class, and in a footnote it said Lincoln was the 17th president, when we all know he was the 16th. This book is stupid. How do I even know that things are right in here if they mess that up So the key to a boring entry is to call things �stupid� and �dumb� and then talk about work or school. Step 3 It�s all about you. No one else can really be the focus of this entry. You have to write about something that you did, or that bugged you. It gotta be something stupid too. It can�t be like �I got hit by a car� cause that�s interesting. It has to be like this: I have PMS like a wild wallaby, and I am sick and tired of people saying I look bloated! or I was sitting around and there was nothing on TV. It was so dull Thanks for transferring your dull, to my eyes! But overall the boring just comes naturally, cause you haven�t done anything and the only thing you have been thinking about is what is for dinner. Step 4 Whine Time: When all else fails. Whine you heart out. How many diaries out there are all about whining. I understand you gotta get it out, but lets face the facts folks, whining isn�t what brings them back for more. Think about all those Emo bands and their whining. It�s good ever now and then, but it is awful all the time. Cheer up Emo kid, (for those of us over the age of 18, Emo is Emotion rock. See: Green Day, Offspring, and They Might be Giants) Step 5 Long or short�no in-between If you are making a flat entry, it�s either gotta be SO short its utterly pointless: I am having the worse day, I just want to curl up against a rock and die, and live there until I die again. Waaa or so long that it makes people want to die. These are the entries that go on for days and days about how someone�s mailman delivered the mail or My cat was outside, and then it came inside, and then I took a picture, and then it hissed at me and went outside, and then I pooped, and the the it pooped, so I guess we pooped�hehe. And then I tired to kiss my cat, but my back wouldn�t bend that far Step 6 To bring it all together, the ultimate flat entry is the following: Talk about how no one loves you anymore, or how no one leaves notes for you to read. That�s right�you have so little to write about that you are writing in HOPES that someone will toss you a bone. Example: Can be seen here This my friends is the Michael Jackson of entries. The Robert Downey of rehabilitation, the Emeril Laggasi of sitcom flops. You diary had credibility, and then BAM!!! You kicked it down a notch. *taps plays in the background* Part II How you know you have written a flat entry. 1) People leave you notes that have NOTHING to do with what you wrote about: Like right here 2) You even try rubbing to sticks together, but you still can�t get a comment Thanks Jimmy, my only friend 3) The entry makes you sound insane. And you talk about how awful it is, despite how brutally long it is 4) You resort to liquor, and still the entry remains flat 5) You wait three months, and can only come up with 4 words, no matter how true they are. So in summation, I am sure that you have quite a few entries you would not be so proud of. It�s okay. We all do. They key is: Friends don�t let friends write flat. So Next time you see an entry as busty as Gwen Stephani, make sure you leave a special little note telling them� �I�m sure next time, it can�t be this bad� I�m out! | |||||||||||
