2003-08-17 - 11:36 p.m.

Evaporated

First Voice: Song

Second Voice: Me talking

Third Voice: Snapshots of things I remember

I am very upset today. My mind has been everywhere. I said to Dingus today goodbye and it was so quick. I couldn�t play game with Kerbang cause I had to see Shelly.

Yesterday my neighbor came into my kitchen and said her cat died. She gave me a game to play

I really thought this weekend was going to turn out different, but it was just really really depressing. I mean I got to see and be with people who I wanted to be with, but nothing went well.

Yesterday I am looking at a pile of candy used for poker chips, and a mug full of twenties. There are thirteen empty cans of beer by the sink

First of all Dingus�s dog died. She had to be put down because the end of her life was going to be too miserable and too full of suffering to continue to live. I got to see him rollercoaster the way I did when my dog died just a while back. It was like watching myself in a mirror

I spilled orange juice all over the paper

After going to bed at four, I woke up at noon. Dingus had tried to walk home, but failed to since it was a rather long trip. He decided this mostly due to a hard loss at a poker game, a terrible event with his dog, and utter momentary disgust for emotions and life.

Dingus poses for a picture I take with his mom, for a ceramic sheep he bought from my hard sale. They look happy

I had to help my parents with a yard sale this weekend. The yard sale is one of the worst things I can imagine doing. It involves deciding between things that are worth keeping and worth selling. There is nothing but second guessing and disappointment. I go through my old toys and box up the ones I no longer want to hold on to. We start bringing these boxes of items, full of ghosts and memories from the past, out to cheaply sell to strangers.

Someone brings a robot toy to buy that had a twenty five cents sticker on it. I used to play with this toy for hours. He hand me a quarter and leaves with a memory.

On my flight home the plan took off and was ascending. The girl who was next to me was very attractive and started talking to me about what had happened to her, because her flight was canceled due to the power outages. I smiled and told her she didn�t have anything to worry about now that we were in the air. All of a sudden the plane dropped like a rollercoaster and everyone stomach dropped. We started descending rapidly for about two seconds too long. For a moment we all thought we were going down.

I fingered around my salad at the ground round after I had eaten it. Our waitress had brought over three different times of vinegar. She also wanted to know if I wanted a salad with my salad. We left a small tip.

Dingus told me that he didn�t know what to think about his dog dying. He told me that he thought she was going to be okay up until the last minute. Then she died, and he and his dad drove home separately.

My screen shows the fifty pages I wrote this weekend has been whittled down to a measly twenty seven due to errors in converting a file.

My mom was sad that more stuff didn�t sell while my dad is angry. I am just confused by the whole thing and I think about what it would be like when they die and I have to sell off everything in my parents house. I, for once, am envious of people with brothers and sisters.

We are at the airport terminal and riding up the escalator. She hugs me and I wrap my arm around her.

Dingus is on top of Greg�s car resting. He didn�t want to walk home. He didn�t want the hassle of being alone for so long on such a tepid and humid night. He starts talking to me about how his emotions flare, and then reason tells him he is being ridiculous for acting in such a way. Then he becomes ashamed of apologizing. Then upset that he isn�t under better control of things. He told me that gambling is a gamble, and that sometimes you just think you can win, but you can�t. He talks awhile more as we drive to his house. We both know that we are getting too old for the things we once were so accustomed too.

I roll a D12 and say, �La Cucaracha.� No one hears me.

The candles are lit and Datchey is asleep in the chair at the end of the table. Dingus is rubbing his hair. Kerbang is writing something down. I pick up the candle and it burns me.

I spent the whole day realizing how much worse I am at things now that I am older. I think I recall someone saying that I would get better. I realize that I am depressed from being over stimulated for the past ten days. I flew a lot, and I drank too often, though surprisingly not too much. I ride home with the windows down, smelling the night air, because for some reason I sense a finality in the air.

There is a ceramic black Labrador retrieve on the first table when I walk into Dingus�s house

The air whistles through the cracked open sunroof and I sing as loud as I can as I race up RT3 as the light rain splashes off that windshield of my car. Lighting flashes in the distance, but I never hear any thunder. My head aches with the thought of responsibility, and my stomach turns with the thought of the passing of time.