2004-03-10 - 4:42 p.m. Baby Brother So I am going to write a letter to my little brother. Since I am an only child, I figured that this would be a worthy venture. I wonder what he would think were he ever to discover this diary. Dear brother, I know that our lives have gone different ways, and it�s strange. It�s strange that I would open that way. You see I wish that I could have known you better. I wish I could teach you more. I have always felt it is the job of the older brother to teach the younger brother until you are too strong or indignant to listen to me anymore. You became both stronger and indignant far too early. I guess that�s why our lives have gone different ways. I know that you made choices to leave home and get away from the family. I know that you have resent growing up in my shadow. I set the bar high. I set it high to make our parents proud. I set it high to challenge you. I don�t know if I did it on purpose. I don�t think I did, but my base philosophy was that you needed my help in life, but you probably would be too stubborn to take it. When I told you to wear a helmet on your bike down by the lake, and you didn�t because I didn�t wear mine. You saw the double standard that I did not. I knew I was a better rider, and I knew you would hurt yourself, but you didn�t. You started not taking any of my advice. So I pushed you. I never let you win. You earned every game you plated every point you scored. I put up grades so that you could never beat them. I put the bar higher than you could ever hope to jump. But you tried. And in pushing you I made myself more successful. You made me more successful� But you fell. You didn�t rise to my level. And for that I mocked you. I dared you to try. And you got frustrated and left us. You moved away, and you barely spoke to me anymore after high school. We spoke. We talked at Christmas, and thanksgiving. But I was working and you were going to school. I felt like we were strangers at the same table some of those nights. I felt like you were trying to forget about me. I didn�t do this for me! I did it for you, and I couldn�t believe you didn�t see that. I felt like knocking that anger out you with my hands when I thought about how disrespectful you had been. I was heated at the idea that you could possibly resent me. I went first every time. I didn�t know what I was trying to beat! You had every chance to chase me, but you just kept failing. The suffering that you experienced should have lead you right back to the beginning, kept you fresh and trying again. I don�t know whether I failed you, or if you failed me, but something between us is gone and I don�t know if we can ever get it back. I love you, but I feel that our relationship is one of people who used to be friends, but were ended by a girl. There is an undertone of bitterness in every word. I wanted to be your teacher. I challenged you so that you would become better, and it has worked. You have achieved things now that you have moved that are great and wonderful, but you can�t see my part in this. I know that I have lost you now, and it�s funny to me. I was the one that didn�t understand us. | |||||||||||
