2004-11-01 - 11:50 a.m. Happy Halloween My point in that entry was the fact that girls have a much easier time on Halloween than guys. This is because guy�s costumes are in general, horrible. If a girl dresses as Catwoman, that�s pretty hot. If I dress as Robin, the Joker, or even Batman, it�s kinda awful. I will admit that I do like the idea that girls could have this dialogue. Girl 1:�Yeah so I hooked up with Kermit the Frog.� Incidentally, I was at the bar in my costume, and someone said I was/looked �gay.� He did this by looking at me and saying �gaaaaaaaay�. And then I replied, �and?� Not the best comeback but I held strong as I stared at the guy for a good five seconds before we both got uncomfortable, because he thought I might kiss him, and well I thought that I might kiss him. I was going to take a picture of myself, but my camera broke, and my roommate�s picture site is down, and then our network didn�t work. Its safe to say that technology failed me. So instead I will make this point. Halloween is pretty stupid. Take a look at these costumes Parents. Neil Armstrong is no longer cool. Being an Astronaut is not �Out of this world.� Save your kid the pain of getting silly stringed and kicked in the balls, and avoid this costume. In fact, parents, be warned�don�t actually let your kids out alone if you are raising a dork. You should be able to realize if you kid is a dork or not. If he comes home with a black eye, he�s a dork. If he�s got bruised knuckles, then he has escaped dorkdom, for now... If you dressed your child in one of the below costumes, he�s probably a dork. Oh sure, they are cute now, but look at that chubby baby. What the hell is that middle one? A spider monkey? I would worry he would just think he�s in a big diaper and would crap inside the costume. Don�t rent baby costumes. I know they will never be able to wear it again, and you KNOW your kid won�t crap in the costume but trust me a baby HAS crapped in the costume. That�s a promise. Speaking of which, I nearly crapped when I saw this under �Female Costumes.� Yeah, great. Dress like Fred from Scooby Doo. While I truly believe woman don�t get much cross dressing opportunity as men, this is not the way to start. There are two girls and a Dog in that cartoon. Why Fred? The only good thing I can say is at least it�s not Shaggy. Normal Parent: What did you kid go as for Halloween? Advice: Dress you kid up like a Ninja Christ you have enough options. How many freaking Ninja�s do we need? When I was young (oh god I am old) you had one Ninja. It was all black with a Chinese star. Stupid Ninja Turtles, pushing Ninja boundaries. DAMN YOU DONATELLO!!! I call this the HELP! My child�s head is lodged in Gonzo�s esophagus costume. **Warning Hypocrite alert** GAAAAAAAYYY!!!!! Johhny Depp made pirates sexy again This kid made them scary again. I hope that�s not his one really snaggletooth. Cause he needs some serious help if this is for real. At least this costume isn�t horrible. Unlike�I don�t know. Pizza Kid. Just think, somewhere, some mom put her slightly overweight kid in this costume which will lead to years and years of psychotherapy after he goes insane and tries to locate and kill his archrival, THE NOID!!! Just to get back on track, here are a couple normal costumes This is a good idea, except for the fact that this girl looks so miserable; I would almost let her cross dress as Fred Flintstone if she asked with those puppy dog eyes. Or maybe dress her up like this� Choo Choo!!! Check out that Caboose! This one is pretty normal. Except for the �Glow in the dark feature� so that the bullies can find you and beat the ever loving crap out of you no matter how dense the bush you hide behind praying that God take your life before you get a purple nurple to make your hair turn white. So those are pretty much kid costumes. Now we are going to move into the sexy costume round. Nothing says Sexy like Vulcan ears. My general rule for a costume is this: The less you have to explain your costume the better. No one ever asked a Catholic School girl what she is. No one asks a Construction worker what he is. If someone didn�t know what you were dress as a Vulcan, could you even imagine explaining it? Girl you will never touch ever: What are you? A space guy? Incidentally a girl can dress as �Sexy Star Trek girl� and probably get lots of guys to turn their heads, because they will never ask what you are. What a girl can�t do is� Dress their dog like a bride. I am eliminating that idea right now. What a guy SHOULD do is Because listen�if you are that guy in the costume�are you going to do anything better than that? You are not really that attractive, and basically better hope that you are funny, because otherwise it�s over. And trust me; girls will give you �points� for wearing this. I�m not saying positive points�but it will cause a reaction. Finally, the most insulting of all the costumes was the Zorro series. Normally I am all for Zorro, but check out these suckas. Now we have �baby zorro� which is stupid. It�s ONE guy, not a freaking family of Zorro�s. At least not until Jerry Bruckheimer gets his hands on it. And don�t get me started on the second one. Yes, it looks okay, but that again, is a girl inside. Now I am not complaining, but girls have a lot of costumes�do they really need to start have to stealing our good ones? Why can�t they steal �buttcrack plumber� or �stormtrooper.� Zorro is one of the better male costumes out there. And then the Dog. You know I was mad at first, but then I realized it�s just �Zorro�s Seeing Eye Dog�. Yeah, in case you didn�t know, Zorro was blind and this mutt has to lead him around. It�s like Zorro actually was Anthony Hopkins and since he�s old, the dog did the work. Biting Crime at the right time. It�s like Rin-Tin-Tin and Bengi double-teamed Lassie, and you got this Mexican Canine. Come on people. Get a life and understand your dog doesn�t celebrate Halloween. And if you think it�s cute to make your dog into the personification of the Mexican Robin Hood, you are just sick. A sick mutherfucker. | |||||||||||
